The Quest to 120

I have a pretty big list of things I'm happy about and things I've never done before. This one fits both categories. I always wanted to join a health club, and I finally did so last month. I'm on a quest to be the weight I was 10 years ago. This means better eating and regular exercise.

Or so I thought. So far it's not working that well, but I'm having an adventure doing it!

On day one, I went in and headed for the elliptical trainers. Right away, I found problems. The last row of ellipticals is conveniently located in front of the cycling machines - the kind that are low, where you sit back, pedal, and enjoy the view. And sure enough, the occupants of most of the cyclers were older men, enjoying the view of the occupants of most of the ellipticals... the young women.

If there is one thing I can't stand, it's elderly eyeballs wandering all over the ass I'm trying to shape up.

Alright, well... not much I can do about it, so I ignore it and get on the machine, where I proceed along to a total of about 3.5 miles, half of which is at the setting of Crossramp 10 / Resistance 8.

Translation: "Oh my god, make it stop!"

I wanted to bail out. I tried to talk myself into giving up by telling myself that it was my first day and if I wanted to stop because it was too much for me, that was ok because I needed time to work up to it.

And then, I replied to myself with, "Oh toughen up, you big sissy, what did you expect, a rickshaw to cart your ass around here so you didn't have to do anything? Keep it moving!" Now, Crossramp 10 / Resistance 8 is really not that big a deal, but on day one and for someone as out of shape as myself, it was like trying to climb Kilamanjaro with Star Jones (pre-gastric bypass) riding piggyback.

Much to my own surprise, I actually kept going. See, I know me, and I'm a giant whining baby, especially when something hurts. But I managed to make it 3.5 miles in about 35 minutes on the first day. That's not a lot, I know, but it's a personal victory for me. The last time I traveled 3.5 miles on foot, let alone at any kind of brisk speed....

Hmm. I don't have an end to that sentence. O.O

Another thing I have trouble adjusting to is the Women's Locker Room Situation. I haven't belonged to a gym before now, but I've taken some aerobics classes, etc. at the Y, and things like that, so it isn't new to me. Still, I've not been able to adjust.

I don't know if it's because I was raised in a modest household, or if it's because I'm shy or uptight, or what, but I can't get with the program of wandering around with everything just out there, even if it's just other women. They do have changing areas, with curtains and doors and whatnot... and I never see them being used (except when *I'm* using one). I mean these people are strangers... I don't know these people. Why would I want them seeing my t & a?

I have a general rule... I keep clothes ON in front of anyone that isn't a physician or a significant other.

I'm pretty sure this comes from my upbringing. As a little kid, I preferred a nightshirt and panties, and that nightshirt better be long enough, boy, let me tell you. If my dad saw so much as a hint of underwear...

"Get upstairs and put some clothes on!"

"Dad, I have clothes on."

There was never a comeback for that. He would just glare over the top of his glasses, and that meant 'move your ass before I move it for you.' But I digress.

I don't quite have as much of an issue with a quick-change... it's not a big deal and I'd do it if I had to. What boggles me are the folks who stroll out of the shower and wander around the whole (very large) locker room for 10-20 minutes without towels, going about other business such as hair-drying and teeth-brushing, as if it were their home.

Now, the number one problem with this, ladies, is that by not wearing a towel, you are dripping puddles all over the friggin' place and someone is going to slip. And guess what, it's probably going to be me, because, well... I do that.

More than anything else, this is a safety issue, and I promote safety (I have to, I'm a klutz). You're also dripping all over the bench areas in front of the lockers which means I can't sit down or put my bag down without absorbing your runoff. It's bad enough I can't access my locker because your bra, panties, gym bag, shampoo bottle, hairbrush, wet towel, extra clothes, etc. are strewn all over, but additionally, you've created a river that I must ford just to get my small bag of items out of the locker. What is this, the Orgeon Trail? I have to gather a party of 4 others and bring supplies to navigate your mess?

For another, and much more selfish thing... basically, I'm uptight and prudish, and your va-jay-jay is kinda freaking me out. I can deal with the ta-tas... but really, if you must parade this way, at least tie the towel around your waist. AT LEAST.

And ok... ok... if you really really have to just show it all off... if you really have to... then could you please borrow a Flowbee or a Garden Weasel or some hedge clippers from your neighbor and work on your area just a bit? This again, is a safety issue. I passed by a lady one evening and a big raccoon jumped out of her unruly shrub and attacked me. No lie. I'll show you the scar.

It isn't all bad, though. I've found plenty of things I do enjoy about going to the gym. The main thing is the workout, and the feeling of accomplishment. Instead of sitting at home in front of the TV on the ass I always complain about, I'm actually doing something about it. AND... to my happy surprise, I found that I can do both! The treadmills, cyclers and step machines have TVs on them! I can get in 50 minutes of climbing while I watch Family Guy, The Golden Girls, cheesy 80s videos and the Stanley Cup Playoffs!

Yes, I honestly watch The Golden Girls while on the elliptical... I find it motivating. I can't stand that Rue McClanahan in her mid-50's could wear a size 8 and I'm still 10, and that Betty White got more sex than I get. Then again, what's to be envious of... she was married to Allen Ludden.

(Do you think they played "Dirty Password" in bed? I think so.)

I'm not jealous of Bea Arthur. I'm just as damn funny as she was, and I can wear heels without hitting my head on the sun.

Along with my new exercise routine, I've changed my eating habits. Slightly. The problem is this: Every article I read and every person I speak to each tell me something different I should be doing and half of these things conflict with the other half.

I've tried the Atkins approach in the past. Didn't do a thing for me, and low carb food is disgusting. First, they charge you double for it, even though it's missing the carbs... shouldn't I receive a discount since I'm receiving less ingredients? But no. It seems that the carb removal process is complex and expensive, which is why anything labeled "low carb" or "Atkinks friendly" will cost roughly $2 to $4 more than its tastier counterpart. And for what?

Let me tell you what happens when they take the carbohydrates out of bagels - they turn into mini tires, in both taste and texture. And you can't fix that with cream cheese and raisins either. Low carb bread, tried that too. I'll save you the money - eat a handful of seaweed and sawdust. Same thing.

So this time, instead of going "no-carb", I've cut it down to "not as many carbs as I usually have". (it's a start!) For years I've practiced the habit of picking the low-sugar or sugar-free, the lower fat or fat-free and the low sodium options from the store shelves, anyway... so I'm still doing this. I don't eat as many bread products. I don't do fast food (except Chipotle). And my beverage choices now are Low Sodium V-8, bottled water, Propel or Vitamin water, and EAS AdvantEdge Protein drinks. I've maybe comsumed 4 diet sodas in the last 4 weeks (down from at least 2 a DAY).

So why.... WHY for the love of (insert deity of choice right here) do I still weight the EXACT same as I did over 2 months ago? The scale hasn't moved a bit. Now, I'm not expecting anything dramatic in such a short time, but come ON... you'd think in all this I would have lost a pound or two. I do 45-50 minutes 3 to 4 times a week and I've eliminated many of the things I love to eat and drink and replaced them with protein bars that taste like chocolate paste and chalk-flavored beverages.

I EVEN GAVE UP STARBUCKS!!

I'm tired of listening to everyone's conflicting opinions of what is good/bad and I'm tired of health magazines giving me contradictory information. But obviously, I'm doing something wrong because that scale is glued at 139, and has been for quite some time.

So the quest to 120 continues...