Om Nom Nom

I'll get the food blog out of the way straight off the bat. With a blog title such as "Om Nom Nom Dot Com", there may be an assumption that it is an entire blog about food, but it isn't. This is not to say there won't be food-related blogs, though, and this is the first one.

More to the point, today we're talking about food service.

I don't know if I've simply been lucky up to now or if the food service industry is becoming much worse, but whatever the case, I can honestly say over the last year or so, I've encountered some of the worst service in restaurants and fast food chains that I've ever seen.

I'm talking about situations that just make my hamster fall off the wheel - the kind of things that happen or that people say that just stun you to the point of complete disbelief. You heard it, but you simply can't believe anyone with half a brain would say it.

First I'll tell the story of a trip to Jimmy John's that gave me a headache for about a week and a half. The mission (and I chose to accept it) was to stop off at Jimmy John's and pick up two sandwiches. My friend's choice was a Slim #4 (a turkey sandwich, that is) with extra mayo.

That is the way she told it to me, so that's what I ordered. And by the way, I'd heard her order it this way a hundred times without a problem. But... the day I went alone, it was way too much for Blondie behind the counter to handle. And this is what happened:

Me: "Can I please have a Slim #4 with extra mayo?"

Blondie: (after looking at me like I was speaking Russian) "Ummm... we don't put mayo on the Slim #4."

After leaving the sandwich establishment, I kicked myself because the rest of this exchange should have played out this way:

Me: "Ok. Do you have a knife back there? Do you have access to the mayo? Is your boss going to fire you for putting mayo on a non-mayo item?"

But that isn't what happened because "Ummm... we don't put mayo on the Slim #4" is what pushed my hamster off the wheel. Blondie rendered me sarcasm-less!! I wouldn't have expected that to be possible.

What actually happened was that I stared at her in disbelief and I said (with a tone of "you must be stupid, so I'll work around it...") "Ohhhh-kaaaay, well, you have mayo packets? Can I just have those?"

And she actually had to think about this for several seconds!

Another recent example of this happened last weekend at Six Flags. Right away you're thinking, "Come on, Kim, it's a theme park. You're not expecting 5 star service, are you?"

No, I'm not. But I'm expecting Zippy the Pinhead at the Mooseburger Lodge to understand the concept of a hamburger and its possible fixins. I mean... "burger"... it's right there in the title of the place! But that isn't what happened.

I was with a friend, which pertinent to this story for two reasons... 1) there were two of us who lost our hamsters on this one, that's how bad it was and 2) he's the one who confused Zippy by trying to order 'outside the box'.

Mooseburger Lodge offers a bacon cheeseburger, which is what he wanted. But he didn't want the cheese, so he asked for a hamburger with bacon. I actually saw this one unfolding the minute he said it, but it was really entertaining, so I just stood there and let it happen.

The girl at the counter was absolutely useless. She didn't even know what to say, so she looked at Zippy for help. He must have been the Assistant Manager in Charge of Extremely Complicated Food Orders. Zippy told my friend that they don't make a hamburger with bacon.

His hamster died. I watched it happen. Didn't just stop running and fall off the wheel - Zippy killed it. Mine just fell off the wheel laughing at the fact that this was happening... again.

So with the Great Mayo Caper fresh in my mind, I saw what the problem was and intervened to fix it. It wasn't what he ordered, it was the way he asked for it. He made it way too complicated for the likes of a Six Flags burger joint worker.

So I says to Zippy, I says, "You have a bacon cheeseburger... can we have it without the cheese?"

And I swear, Zippy actually said, "Oh, so you just don't want the cheese."

Riiiiiight.

You cannot possibly expect me to believe this was the first time someone had patronized the Mooseburger Lodge and wanted a burger without cheese on it.

"We don't have a burger with bacon..." He said it as if it were one inseparable item instead of a sandwich upon which you might place any number of interchangeable toppings.

"We don't put mayo on the number 4...." Is Dracula going to come and eat her face if she adds something that isn't in the menu description? Is there some kind of Mission Statement at Jimmy John's that prevents them from arbitrarily adding condiments where they don't belong?

These people are going to breed one day!!

The most recent tale happened just last night. I was trying to order my usual at Chipotle - a Steak Burrito Bol (and why do they spell it like that?!). I always pick the things I want and order the exact same way and I even use the thumb and index finger gesture to indicate when I only want a small amount of something. And they always manage to screw up at least one of the things I ask for. But this one took the cake...

I only like sour cream in really small amounts, so when they ask me if I want it, I hold up my thumb and index finger about an inch apart to illustrate what I'm talking about for the hard-of-English-speaking, and I say the same thing every single time...

"Just a really little bit of sour cream."

I know it's poor grammar, but you have to know your audience and translate accordingly. That's why there's a difference between a hamburger with bacon and a bacon cheeseburger without cheese.

So that was what I said... "just a really little bit..." complete with the hand gesture. She was even looking at me as I said and did this.

Guess what happened?

*scoooooooop* *BLLLOPPP*

Seems that in her language, the term "just a really little bit" means "sour cream soup, please". I didn't know this beforehand.

I said, "Whoa, that is a truckload of sour cream!"

Hang on, it gets a lot better...

My annoyed *HUFF* and my eyeroll must have indicated to her that I was about to complain (and I was), so before I had the chance to think of the nicest way to say that I wanted a new one, I see that she has taken matters into her own hands - literally. She had one of the little cups they use for guacamole, and she was trying to scoop out the sour cream. Oh yeah, that's right. She's trying to scoop off liquid that's already penetrated every nook of my entree.

He coworker watches this going and and finally tells her to stop and make a new one.

I'm not sure what's worse, that she misunderstood "little bit", that the gesture didn't make it extra clear, or that she actually had to be told to stop trying to sop up sour cream with her (gloved) finger and a guacamole cup and re-do it.

In any case, I've decided that this is one of the best forms of entertainment imaginable. I encourage everyone to go out to a take out place, order something that varies in some way from what they are trained to create, and wait for chaos.

Be sure to report back to me!