Anatomy of a Crappy Song CHALLENGE!

First ever song dissection challenge!

I've received a challenge to apply my own special way of breaking down songs and slicing and dicing among its lyrical nougatty center for the crap that lies within.

The challenge comes from my friend CJ, who happens to be one of two people in my life who needs to wear a tinfoil hat when dealing with me because the number of times we've said or thought the same things at the same time, or had the same idea, or made the same joke are just too numerous to be coincidence.

So the challenge was to tear apart the same song and compare.

I've not read hers and won't be able to until I post it too. I'm unsure if I can link to hers so y'all can compare, I'd need permission for that... but in the least, I'll report back. Chances are she will win the challenge. She's funnier than I am by far.

The challenge song is "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood.

Now, all I know about Carrie Underwood is that she was on American Idol and that I like to call her Carrie Underwear. I had to look up the song on YouTube....

... and I did not like it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSG4Cml7HXs

I'm not too big a fan of country music anyway, but really, that doesn't seem to be impacting my dislike of this song that much. I found enough problems with it that the genre doesn't even matter to me.

"Before He Cheats" - Carrie Underwear- er... Underwood*.


Right now he's probably slow dancing

Stop. He's "probably" slow dancing? Probably?

Ok, right away we have a jealous woman who doesn't actually know what her guy is doing, so she's sitting around assuming the worst. You know what happens when we ASSUME, don't you Carrie?

With a bleached-blond tramp

This isn't even funny. This is just annoying. This is where the stereotype of women always being catty jealous bitches comes from. Carrie, you are not helping the female cause very much here.

Because a ficticious woman is fooling around with your guy in YOUR imagination, she's a bleached-blonde tramp?

Maybe she's a fat brunette virgin law student? And maybe your guy is out with her instead of you because you're a catty jealous bitch? Look into that and get back to me.

And she's probably getting frisky
Right now, he's probably buying
Her some fruity little drink'
Cause she can't shoot whiskey

Frisky and whiskey?

This is why I don't listen to country.

Right now, he's probably up behind her
With a pool stick

Ha ha, YEAH he is!! A-how-how-howwwww!

Showing her how to shoot a combo
And he don't know

I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat

Now I see the problem. You jacked up the guy's car and you left your name in the damage? And you think "he don't know"? Unless he never learned to read... he does know.

You dumb shit! No wonder he's out with another girl!


I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats


And maybe he will also have your American Idol ass arrested since he will know exactly who vandalized his vehicle.

Right now, she's probably up singing some
White-trash version of Shania karaoke

Yeah. Or maybe a white-trash version of this piece of lyrical poop.

What a bitch. This isn't country music, this is cuntry music.

(oh yeah. I went there.)

Right now, she's probably saying, "I'm drunk"
And he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky

He probably IS gonna get lucky. Know why? He got to make an insurance claim and got a brand new sweet ride because you destoyed his old one, and now he's getting under more women than a maxi pad!

Right now,
he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars
Worth of that bathroom Polo

Huh? Ralph Lauren makes Polo. Hardly a 3 dollar item. What is "bathroom Polo"? Cheap-ass generic Polo? Then it wouldn't be "Polo". Dur.

Oh and he don't know

Yes he does!! He read your name carved in the seat!

(didn't this theme surface in "MmmBop", too? Why do they always think we don't know things that can easily be read in places?)

That I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat

See! The seat says "Carrie"! He knows!


I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats

Maybe next time he'll think before he leaves his car unlocked.

I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl
'Cause the next time that he cheats
Oh, you know it won't be on me!

No, but I bet the next time he pours sugar in someone's gas tank, it will be yours.

Yous a crazy ho.


(she didn't write this piece of crap... only sings it... but it doesn't work if I can't yell at the singer)


I hope this came off well. Not bad for 1) a song I've never heard before today and 2) an off the cuff "let's see what I can do with it" shot in the dark. Next challenge? Happy to take requests. LOL!