Happy Birthd- ahh forget it.

Can I pass this one up? Can I skip Wednesday, wake up tomorrow and have it be Thursday, October 15, still only be 32, and just miss the whole thing?

That's been my feeling about birthdays for the past few years. 30 sucked. 31 and 32 sucked. And now, 33 doesn't look any more promising. I don't know what it is. It's not about the birthday itself, it's about the years counting up, I think. It's been a sad several months for reasons I won't go into, but I'm reminded of how I'm no closer to the short list of simple things I truly want in life and I have this ever-present sense of time trying to run as far away from me as it can. I feel like I'm basically a good person and I deserve a whole lot better than the last couple years and recent months have given me.

I think that's why I've become a curmudgeon about birthdays. I've grown exhausted of the feeling of being stepped on and screwed over (and over) in general, and birthdays just enhance that feeling. All it takes is one person forgetting, or you hear there will be cake for you in the office, but on that day everyone is too busy to run to Jewel to buy one... or something small like that, and the next thing you know, you hate everyone. I know I'm only being dramatic (unintentionally) and that it is not as bad as all that, but writing it out and seeing it helps to clear up the feeling (a little) and put it into perspective, so I'll run with it.

The sun is out today - maybe this will improve things. Maybe I just need a vacation? Been talking with my bestie about visiting California in January or February - actually we've been talking about it for a good six months or so, maybe more, but it seems like an actual plan now, so maybe that will help? 3 or 4 days away from Chicago snow and cold - who wouldn't want that!? Maybe I just have the "fall blues" because the cold and rain snuck in early this year? Maybe I just need another cup of coffee or have PMS, I don't know.

Wow, did I ever bring the party down here or what? It must be the PMS thing. (heh heh!) But I'll try a coffee refill. That normally helps. In any case, I don't think there will be cake in the office tomorrow (which might be ok, because I HATE having people sing over cake! Can we stop that horsecrap already? Once you're past 12, that needs to stop. New rule. Kim has spoken), so I think I'll stuff a lit match in a Ho-Ho, blow it out, make a wish for a second Ho-Ho, and be done with 33. God, it hurts to look at those numbers, all sitting next to each other like that. >.<

And before anyone comes in and says "shut up, just wait until you hit my age", I'm doing a pre-emptive kiss my arse. That isn't going to help my mood. Give me things made out of chocolate or else keep quiet.

So, I think it's time to be good to myself, when nobody else will (copyright Steve Perry 1986... screw the other two).

Make things happen. Carpe diem. Damn the world, it's all about me. No one is going to do it for me, and all that other affirmative jazz.

Now, where's my friggin' Ho-Hos?