"Kim Just Trimmed Her Bush in Farmville"

That ^ was honestly the best Facebook status I've ever posted. I think it might become the title of the book I'll never write.

But you don't even have to play the game to get why it's funny. Facebook members have all seen these goofy wall posts, and the folks who don't play the game have probably become annoyed enough to hide all the posts from this application by now, since (I believe I read somewhere that) Farmville has become the most popular Facebook application.

I became addicted to playing this game, as all of my Facebook connections know by now. It's my winter evening chill out activity. Almost time for bed, not quite ready to sleep and am bored, so... go farm for awhile.

But, even better, I learned last week that Farmville serves a better purpose - feeding my seriously sick sense of humor.

It isn't enough that Farmville gives me all kinds of wonderful things to make fun of, like the stupid pop-ups encouraging me to tell all my friends that I just mastered the Squash crops and that I'm now the proud owner of a Baby Turkey... yeah, thanks Farmville... what this basically says is "Hi! Go tell all your friends on Facebook what a loser you are and don't have a date tonight, so while you're sitting on your couch eating Godiva truffles, you just harvested your 1,200th batch of cartoon tomatoes and are now the Tomato Master of the World!"

Incidentally, I apologize to my Facebook friends and family for all the lost animal and gold egg posts. To be fair, I don't post all the other stupid shit the game tries to make me share... but Farmville really sticks it to you with the lost animals. They give you a picture of a really sad looking animal and they tell you it got lost and is lonely. Say you get a sad, lonely ugly duckling or a lost cow... they give you 2 buttons to click. One says "Help Cow" and one says "Ignore Cow".

I don't care if it's only a cartoon game, you have to have a great big disgusting black heart to be able to click "Ignore Cow" and live with yourself.

If you're politically correct, a christian, or any kind of nice person, you're not going to like what's coming. The rest of you heathens are invited along for the ride.

Recently, Farmville added some Christmas items and caused a big stir among the serious players (read: among a lot of people with way too much friggin' time on their hands to complain about a f*%#!ing cartoon tree). All this did for me was give me more things to laugh at, so I came out a winner.

Farmville gave every player a "Holiday Tree" which can hold "gifts" that can be sent back and forth between friends. What happened was Farmville sent this cute little tree to each player's gift box so that players might place the tree on their farms and place gifts under it. Basically, all it means is that you're going to get FREE items for your game.

You like free items, right?

I do too!!

Well, two things happened. First off, many players became upset that Farmville named it a "Holiday Tree" and not a "Christmas Tree".

Well, we hear that argument every year at this time, so no big surprise.

(aside: please stop forwarding me those emails becuase I truly do not care. It's a Christmas Tree to me because it's the word I learned for it over 30 years years ago and because it is a symbol of the Christmas holiday, but if it makes people feel better to call it a "Holiday" tree, then I really don't give a damn. Call it "Steve" for all I friggin' care. It's a dead pine tree, that's what *I* call it. Do you people not realize the world is full of starving children, environmental trouble, war, criminals and Rush Limbaugh? Bigger fish to bake and dust with lemon juice and pepper, people!! ((I prefer that to frying)) What was I saying? Oh yeah... the Christmas tree...))

So there was the one camp of people complaining that it was called a Holiday Tree... and the second thing that happened was the other side of the argument, the people who want nothing to do with Christmas complained that the Farmville developers FORCED a Christmas tree on them. Even though they called it a "Holiday Tree", the wool could not be pulled over on this group of scholars. They knew damn well it was a Christmas Tree!! And they were PISSED.

HOW DARE these crafty game developers try to give them free crap under the guise of Christmas! HOW DARE they take such liberties as to place a green bundle of pixels in the gift boxes of people who don't celebrate Christmas!! I honestly read a comment like that - that Farmville was wrong to take it upon themselves to just run amok and PUT that Christmas Tree in the person's giftbox. I mean, wow. Just wow. O.o

It's not like Farmville has a "delete item" option, or anything. Wait... what?

The little red shovel that says "delete" can be used for removing unwanted items?

You're kidding?!

Well, problem solved then!!

What? You mean that wasn't good enough and people still complained?

Unimaginable!

These people are now my target. Would have been just as easy to shut up, delete the tree, and stay off my radar but unfortunately the damage is done.

I had a conversation about this with a friend, about all the people freaking out over something so stupid. There's no violation of religious beliefs and there is no purposeful slight against any group of people. It's a GAME... just interactive colored pixels. That's all it is.

Personally, I would like to see them really get into the Christmas spirit over at Farmville. Let's transform it into ChristianVille for the Holy Season. Your don't get a farmer... instead, you get a little Kirk Cameron that wanders about tending the sheep and whatnot. Granted, your farming neighbors might stop visiting until he goes away, but see, that's part of the game challenge.

So, where's the limited edition nativity scene? Where's the Mary and Joseph? Lord knows I have enough freakin' sheep and lambs to put inside the darn thing.

I want to go into the game on Christmas morning and see the little "ready" icon over Mary's head and choose "Collect" and harvest from her my limited edition Baby Jesus. Why can't I do that? Then maybe I can place him on my farm and he can grow up, just like the crops grow... then on Good Friday he can wilt, like the daffodils do, and lay in a heap among the hay bales. Then on Easter Sunday I can choose "Transform" and bring him back! "Kim just resurrected her Jesus in Farmville! Click to Collect a Bonus!" Then you a get a purple Easter egg.

I want wisemen, and every 2 days I want to click them and collect frankincense and myrrh.

"A lost, lonely Jew wandered onto your farm looking for a good sale."

Help Jew ... Ignore Jew

I mean come on!! If we're going to have some fun with this game, let's REALLY get into it!

Hmm. Maybe we should stick with adoptable animals instead of adoptable Jews. That might be just one too far. It isn't so much a political correctness issue as it is a human rights issue. PETA can kiss my lily white tuchus, but I don't need the JDO breathing down my neck.

"A lonely, lost Gefilte Fish swam into the pond on your farm."

Help Gefilte Fish ... Put Gefilte Fish on Cracker and Eat Him

That's better.

But this might actually fall under the heading of HannukahVille.

(Do you people have any idea how hard it was for me not to type JewVille?)

Oops.

Er.

Moving on...

My other favorite complaints have been the people who have something to say about the things that you collect from the animals. When lost, lonely turtles arrived, their collection item was eggs.

Yeah? And?

I read some comments about cruelty, or some such nonsense.

Good lord! It's a goofy game! Er... guys? Psssst! The turtle eggs aren't real!

You know what I want? I want to stuff a pig, a chicken and a cow into the dairy barn and harvest me a Bacon, Egg & Cheese sammich. I want to click the horse and get a nice plate of Cheval a la Bordelaise! Why can't I collect tubs of mayo from the chicken coops? It's made of eggs, ISN'T IT?!

"Baby Calf is ready" - "Click to Brush Calf for 90 coins"

What? No!

Give me Veal Scallopini!!

No one listens to me. I have all the great ideas, and no one cares.

But it doesn't matter anyway, because my Eggplants are almost ready and I'm just about to become the Eggplant Master. Goo goo g'joob.

3 girls, 1 Cup

I've been examining some things in the world of our favorite classic sitcoms which I don't believe have been fully looked into. Some of these are small things, and some of them require a bit more investigation. I've noticed a few things with regard to the living situation of our beloved television families. A number of these things don't add up. I really have to question the architecture and contracting in the sitcom world. (Why? Because it's 11:30 at night and I have nothing to do at the moment)

Mary Tyler Moore... it's a minor thing, but it always bothered me. This poor girl had the worst apartment ever. She didn't even have a bed, and she was a television executive! I suppose she had it ok, what with having the biggest studio apartment I have ever seen, and it was the 70s, so I'm sure her rent was pretty low, but her kitchen wasn't big enough to turn around in and she didn't have a bathroom! She had what we were led to believe was a changing room or a walk in closet of some sort... was the bathroom in there? I never heard a toilet flush. Maybe Mary was too ladylike to flush with people around, and god knows that damn Cloris Leachman was showing up every 10 minutes. Always in the middle of the night too, her and that Rhoda. I'd have moved out the same week I moved in if that was what was going on. Just what a girl wants... she has to pull out the sofa and make up the bed every night after struggling around to make cocoa in that ridiculous "kitchen"... she finally gets into bed, shuts off the light, and Valerie Harper keeps showing up. Definitely a raw deal and a trade down from Mary lived on the Dick Van Dyke show. Then again, she went from Rob tripping over shit and waking her up to Rhoda knocking down the door at 2 am every night, so maybe not.

Meanwhile, over at 704 Hauser Street in Queens, New York, you DID hear the toilet flush. All the way down in Baltimore! We never heard the radio playing in the other room, or Archie and Edith going at it (and you would THINK Edith would be a screamer with that voice!) but you could hear that toilet flush from the moon.

Now, I'd also like to know if anyone else has noticed that the One Day At A Time Family lived in the same apartment as the Good Times family, which is funny for three reasons: Good Times lived in Chicago, One Day At A Time lived in Indianapolis and Florida from Good Times lived in New York one day and had a husband and three grown kids in a Chicago project the next.

The Golden Girls. I have to say, if you actually pay attention to that house, you will notice there isn't actually ANY room where their bedrooms are supposed to be. Kind of a problem for a house full of horny old widows. So we go from a house with no bedrooms to a house with a very flawed bathroom.

Oh yeah.

It's been done. Every stand up comedian has touched on this but none of them really looked into the problem.

The classic joke about how a father of 6 who is also an architect builds his house with one bathroom for 6 kids. A bathroom with no toilet.

There was no toilet!!

The Brady Bunch had a big giant house with 6 kids, 2 parents, an Alice and a dog... should Mike have maybe threw in an extra bedroom? Maybe another bathroom? A toilet or two, perhaps?

But this really brings up a problem. And I want an answer. How did the Bradys go to the bathroom!?!? Just what was going on in that house? Should DCFS have maybe popped on by and checked into things? The Brady kids couldn't go to the bathroom!

We know that 6 children shared one bathroom with no toilet so what went on? Did they just "go" like farm animals and Alice had to shoo them off to school and go up there with a shovel before she made the beds? Did they have a cup hidden under Cindy's bed that they shared?

Did they poop on the Astroturf in the yard with Tiger? Is that how Jan really lost her necklace? She wasn't leaning out that window to see any stars, I'm telling you that right now. She was hanging moon out that window and trying not to get any on the siding.

There's only one conclusion I can come too. The Brady kids were born without bungholes. Think about it... on all the other shows you at least heard a joke or a mention about a person needing to pee, or being int he bathroom, or having questionable Mexican food for dinner. The Brady kids never seemed to have to use the bathroom for anything except washing up for dinner and brushing their hair. They had no escape hatches!!

And what does this all tie into?

Simple.

I watched WAY too much freakin' tv as kid.

Ok, I gotta go now. Roseanne is on.

Anatomy of a Crappy Song #7: "Ironic"

This one has been coming for awhile. It bugs me every time I hear the song.

First, we must examine the meaning of the word "irony". There are several types of irony, therefore many definitions and some of them are subjective, but I believe I found a nice summary...

"The American Heritage Dictionary's secondary meaning for irony: “incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.” This sense, however, is not synonymous with "incongruous" but merely a definition of dramatic or situational irony. The American Heritage Dictionary’s usage panel found it unacceptable to use the word ironic to describe mere unfortunate coincidences or surprising disappointments that 'suggest no particular lessons about human vanity or folly.'"

It's that bold part there - that's what I was looking to find proof of. I knew that, but I couldn't find a dictionary entry that gave it to me in the words I needed or one that gave me a definition that wouldn't have involved me looking up six other words to figure out what in hell they were talking about.

So this brings us to Alanis Morisette's "Ironic". I feel bad for this one, because I like Alanis. But this song just begs for it.

The wind is let out of my sails a bit by the fact that Alanis has already copped to the misuse of the word. Behold:

"The song's usage of the word "ironic" attracted attention for what some think is an improper application of the term. Two situations that Morissette describes in the song are arguably examples of cosmic irony: events that, as the Oxford English Dictionary puts it, appear "as if in mockery of the fitness or rightness of things", such as "a death row pardon/two minutes too late". Morissette has also confirmed that she is a self-dubbed "malapropism queen" and alleges that the song was lighthearted and not taken too seriously at the time it was written."


Well, you know what? That isn't about to stop me.

"Ironic" - Alanis Morisette

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day

Nope. Not irony. Might be cosmic irony if the guy was 35.
He was 98!!

It's a black fly in your Chardonnay

Mmmm... nope. Not ironic. Gross, but not ironic. And completely preventable, by the way. Hang up a no-pest strip for crying out loud, and you will drastically reduce the odds of ironic insects in your beverages.

It's a death row pardon two minutes too late

Subjective. Cosmically ironic, I agree. Ok, she got one right, so far.

(Chorus)

And isn't it ironic... don't you think

No, I don't. Thus, this blog.


It's like rain on your wedding day

Not ironic unless you happen to be marrying a weatherman who took the day off to marry you and his incompetent fill-in predicted sun.

It's a free ride when you've already paid

If you've paid, it isn't a free ride. Even if someone offers you free boarding, and you've already paid, so it's still a paid ride. How about "It's the offer of a free ride when you've already paid"? I can see how this poses a melodic problem, but that doesn't make it ok to alter the English language.

It's the good advice that you just didn't take

Dismissing good advice is not irony. If you receive the good advice and choose to ignore it, the consequences are your own fault. Now, it might be ironic if you received the advice 5 minutes after you did the dumb thing, and the advice turns out to be information you would have appreciated and used had you gotten it five minutes earlier. But I suppose trying to work that in poses an even bigger melodic problem.

Who would've thought... it figures

I would have. I'm starting to believe this song should have been called "Murphy's Law", because that is what all of these situations sound like. And by the way, isn't that when people usually use the expression "it figures"? When they've been run over by Murphy's Law?

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought"Well isn't this nice..."

Again, probably cosmic irony at work here, so I don't mind giving a slight pass on this one too, but...

... who is sitting there thinking "Well, isn't this nice?" as their plane is crashing? Even with a sarcastic tone, that's the kind of thing you think when you spill coffee on a white shirt or you get caught jerking off, or something. Now I wouldn't know firsthand, but I'm assuming that if the plane is crashing, smartass quips are not what are going to happen across peoples' minds at the time.

"OHMYGODNOOOOOOHOLYSHITTHISCAN'TBEHAPPENING
OHGODOHGODOHGODHELPMEICAN'TBELIEVETHIS!"

...is probably what is going to go through peoples' minds.
But again... melodically, it does not work.

(Chorus)

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right

Isn't that almost the very definition of Murphy's Law? Or close enough at least? If you remove the "when you think" part, you're there. Murphy's Law. If anything can go wrong, it will. A fucking fly will land right in your wine.

And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong
and everything blows up in your face

Something blew up in my face just a few nights ago. Literally. Life did not help me. Whining and crying "It hurts!!" helped alot though!!


A traffic jam when you're already late

I call b.s. Traffic jams happen all the time. When you're late, when you're early, when you're not even out driving... if you get into a car at any time of the day, start it, and drive down a road where other cars are also driving, you risk being in a traffic jam. There is nothing ironic about it.

A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break

Then go somewhere else and smoke, dumbass.

It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife

Who on this planet, OTHER than spoon factory workers and possibly Crate and Barrel employees, has ever in their life encountered 10,000 spoons? I want to meet the person who was in their kitchen or at a concession stand searching for a knife and all they could find were 10,000 spoons.


It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife

Not ironic! That one falls under "unfortunate".

And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

Well, I don't, and it's MY blog. Ppppbbbblttt!

Oh just get bent already.

Seriously?

The Hindus Are Mad

James Cameron's new film "Avatar" may have one of the biggest budgets of all time ... but it also has one big problem -- a group of Hindus are up in arms because they claim the title disgraces their religion.

The Universal Society of Hinduism and its president Rajan Zed are demanding Cameron put a disclaimer before and after the new 3-D flick saying it has diddly squat to do with the Hindu religion and its concepts ... and the title is just a coincidence.The concept of "avatar" -- commonly known as incarnation -- is a central theme in Hinduism and prominent Hindus are worried the movie will completely botch it if Cameron doesn't bother to explain himself.

Let's just back that train up a minute, there, Rajan. I think it is pretty freakin' crystal clear from the trailer, posters, write-ups and commercials that this movie has nothing to do with Hinduism or it's beliefs.

The word "avatar" means something else in the tech age and anyone who owns a computer and has navigated ANY social site AT LEAST ONCE knows this.

Brief lesson for those who don't know: commonly, an "avatar" refers to a photo or graphic used to represent a user. Your Facebook profile picture is an avatar. The funny little icons you may choose on message boards or other online profiles are avatars. Your little Farmville and YoVille people are avatars.

AVATAR in it's original tech meaning stands for Advanced Video Attribute Terminal Assembler and Recreator. AVATAR has the same job as ANSI escape sequences, which are used to control text formatting and other output options on text terminals. Translation: AVATAR quickly renders colors (text and graphics) faster over slower connection speeds. It was later improved to better handle patterns and scrolling.

Now, I don't want to sound racial here, but these people should be damn jolly well aware of what the modern definitions of "avatar" are seeing as how these are the people on the other end of every computer tech support phone number I have ever dialed. Sorry, but it's true.

Is it really that slow of a day? Can't find anything else to complain about. They are "demanding" a disclaimer? Omg. COME ON.

It's getting to where no movie is ever released without some group of people getting all bungled up over it. Here is what should happen:

James Cameron should release a one line statement that reads as follows...

"My new film, "Avatar", has nothing whatsoever to do with any belief related to Hinduism. Thank you."

And be DONE with it. Then they should go "Oh, ok, his movie is about something else. No problem." If they miss the statement, then too bad. Do some research before you get pissed, how's that.

"A movie called Avatar? Omg, freakout!"

Dude... LOOK IT UP ON THE INTERWEBS. See what it's about, read the description, learn that it has nothing to do with your religion, and go "Ok, my bad" and move on with your freakin' day.

I have an idea. Why don't we all just UNCLENCH, for like, five minutes. Just to see what happens. I bet it would be the best five minutes that ever happened in the whole history of the planet.

I might be in a grumpy mood today. Heh heh.

Cookie Monster: Public Enemy #1

I've just read a CNN Entertainment article about the upcoming 40th anniversary of Sesame Street and how it just "ain't what it used to be" and how it had to be changed for today's children. And it reminded me of the article that I previously complained about regarding smoking scenes being edited from old Tom & Jerry cartoons.

They've cleaned up Sesame Street and I can't say I support some of the block improvements they've made.

"Those early years are now available on DVD; and the discs contain a disclaimer that essentially states that they are intended for nostalgia purposes only. The warning reads as follows:

"These early 'Sesame Street' episodes are intended for grown-ups, and may not suit the needs of today's preschool child."

Wrong. They don't suit the needs of today's preschool child's parents.

"On the DVDs, Cookie Monster can be seen as his character of Alistair Cookie in his "Monsterpiece Theatre" segment (a spoof of Alistair Cooke's "Masterpiece Theatre") smoking a pipe.

Yep, Cookie Monster smoked."

Oh come on! Cookie Monster also ate plates and books. I think I saw him sneak up on Big Bird with a bag of charcoal and barbecue tongs once as well.

But still! I watched Cookie Monster do these things and I never had the urge to pick up a pipe, or eat a plate or a book (I do enjoy barbecued poultry, but that's the 4th of July's fault, not Cookie Monster's).

"Today, Cookie Monster's diet is much more balanced, as he has adopted the philosophy that cookies are a "sometimes food." Cookie coincidentally changed his tune in 2006 amidst reports that childhood obesity had reached epidemic proportions."

YGTBFKM.

*clears throat*

Are we all paying attention?

Excuse me... you in the back, there... could you please stop tweeting for a sec? Thanks. And you... your boss can wait, put that phone down.

Everyone listening? Oh good. Because I would like to report something shocking so please brace yourselves.

COOKIE MONSTER DOES NOT MAKE CHILDREN FAT!!

Is Cookie Monster doing your grocery shopping? Is Cookie Monster bringing the Chips Ahoy into your house and throwing away the tomatoes and carrots when you aren't home? Is he the Cookie Ninja instead of the Cookie Monster? The big question... is Cookie Monster the one packing your child's lunch or making it's dinner? Cookie Monster ain't making your ankle-biters fat guys, YOU are.

Cookies ARE a sometimes food. For US! Not for Cookie Monster.


THAT'S WHY HIS NAME IS COOKIE MONSTER AND NOT ASPARAGUS MONSTER.

He is fantasy. It's ok that he eats cookies all the time. It's ok that he becomes overzealous and thinks his plate is a cookie and eats it. It is called IMAGINATION and without imagination, people, we are just plain fucked.

Guess whose job it is to explain that Cookie Monster is a character and that we do not eat cookies in such extraordinary amounts? Guess whose in charge of what and how much of it goes into the grocery cart (or onto the Peapod order, if you're one of those)? I bet I don't have to answer this one for you. You lot are pretty smart.

This article also made a mention of how other things found on Sesame Street in 1969 would be found unacceptable today (there's only one I actually agree with), and they mention how Oscar the Grouch was nasty, but they don't elaborate on why that was such a problem.

And I'd like to point out that the modern day Oscar the Grouch is a character on Spongebob Squarepants called Squidward Tentacles, so the Oscar the Grouch argument is pointless and dead in the water. And iF you ask me, Squidward is a much nastier bastard than Oscar ever was. People don't see it that way because his nastiness always backfires on him, but trust me, he's a dick.

The article ends with this:

"For better or worse, today's preschooler is very different from the 1969 version. And children's television programming simply has to reflect that."



What? No.

4 years olds in 2009 are the same as 4 year olds in 1969. It's the 4 year olds from 1969 who have grown up to have 4 year old in 2009 that are jacking everything up.

(Not all of them, calm down)

What else have we done to Sesame Street that I don't know about? Are Burt and Ernie still allowed to live together, or have we taken away their domestic partership? (they're here, they're queer, get over it!) Is Ernie still allowed to keep his Twiddlebugs in the flower box, or did PETA show up with protest signs? Have they given Slimy a bath? Has Forgetful Jones been tested for ADHD yet?

The bottom line is that it's a bit of a different world and we know more things and we need to properly pass these things onto children, but that's what a parent's job is regardless of what year it is or what is on TV.

None of this is meant to indicate that I don't support change for the welfare of children. I do, very much. But you have to give me a better reason than Cookie Monster is a bad influence, because I have no problem pointing out the stupid logic here. Complain when there are problems outside of your control that might affect your child. This is not one of them. Just don't buy the crap and feed little Mary Lou a friggin' veggie or two.

Cookie Monster is fine. His fans are fine. Their parents are the ones responsible to make sure they grow up fine, not a blue furry sock with googley eyes.


Full text found HERE

Never thought I'd be quoting Eminem

I came to a conclusion last night. I have just too much to keep inside, but it's also too much to let out. I'm not sure how that works, but I know it's the truth. Can't keep it in, can't let it out, so what do you do with it?

Maybe it was the birthday thing again. I'm not sure. It might have been because I let a friend do Tarot on me yesterday and the result said that while things in my life seem to be in place, I'm not proactively going after the things I want.

In any case...

It made me think of a closet... it's way too full and items are just barely staying in. If you have to open the door, it must be done fast and it also must be closed again fast so that all this extra stuff doesn't get out.

And you can't let all the stuff out, because that just messes up the whole house, gets in the way and other people don't want to deal with your crap all over the place because the truth is, even if your best buddies tell you they'll help you move, even lend over their pick-up truck or minivan, they really would rather not deal with your same old crap over and over. You're basically on your own. I mean hey, you bought all this bullshit, right? So it's your job to organize it, dust it, repair it, repack it or remove it.

That's where I ended up on Eminem's doorstep. I thought about that song of his, "Cleanin' Out My Closet". Granted, it's about a guy trying to let go of his horrible relationship with his mother... which has nothing to do with what I'm talking (or thinking) about, but underneath that, the message I get from it is getting rid of things you don't need to continue hanging onto.

I've done a great deal of that, which is good, but what happens when you get rid of the old stuff? You go right back out and get new shit, and maybe it was an impulse buy, or maybe you're a shopaholic, or maybe you really wanted and truly needed it. The packaging was ok, and the instructions seemed easy, because hey, you've used a food processor before. But they aren't all alike and one does not necessarily work like the other and sometimes it quits on you - maybe even sooner than you thought it might - and now it's just hanging around in the closet.

Everyday you go to get your coat and there it is and you are forced to see it, but you don't know what to do with it, or even what you want to do with it. Some people will keep it around because they might do something with it one day. Some people leave it there, and later take it out of the box again, thinking, "...maybe today it will work again?" But one day comes and goes, and all the stuff it still there, still not working, just sitting there looking at you. The skirt doesn't fit anymore, and the shoes are out of style. The ankle weights were just a ridiculous purchase and the box of dried up flowers from a guy are like a knife in the heart to look at. And why do I still have this damn food processor?

Wouldn't it be nice to be able to have a clean empty closet to start with every day? Maybe not. Then the cool items wouldn't be there, like the skirt that does fit, and the mix tape that reminds you of your high school best friend, and oh my god, the pictures from girls' night out '99. But all the crummy items wrapped in bags of hurt wouldn't be there either, and some days - only SOME - it seems like an easy trade off.

I put some of those items so far away that I forgot what they looked like. And you can't do that. If you forget what they look like, you might not recognize them if you see them again in the store, and you just might accidentally buy another one. And then before you know it, the closet is full again, and you waste another Saturday trying to weed through it all.

And that, my dear friends, is why U-Haul and therapists make so much money.

Weirdness

The universe is weird this week.

It feels like an extraordinary number of things are going wrong, breaking down or functioning abnormally.

Some of these things I will not go into because they'd just take too much explaining or have too much backstory to follow rationally if you weren't involved from point one, but trust me, things are off. Maybe I can summarize.

I got a weird feeling yesterday about a friend, and that feeling continues. I don't know yet if there is something to it or not. Another friend is presently encountering a pretty weird situation, one that is just... I don't know, but 'weird' isn't even the right word. Certainly not the kind of thing that is within the normal parameters of 'weird', like an argument with someone or strange work project or something.

At work... good lord, there are problems all over. Everything is physically breaking down. 3 pretty major things have broken or experienced a big issue in the last two days, along with a few minor breakages. Could just be coincidental, but with so much other weirdness, it just adds to the feeling of "what in hell is going on?"

This morning, I couldn't get to my highway on-ramp because of some kind of epic police drama or accident or something. That's never happened before. I had a feeling, as I left the house, that I should take I-294. I thought that due to it being 8:06, that I shouldn't risk it because of the I-190 backup. Still I kept feeling like, "no, take 294... take 294..." Well, I didn't. And as I headed for I-90... complete chaos. I should have taken 294. I could not even get to the on-ramp, I got stuck in an epic jam up, had to sidetrack east, then north, then back west... all because I ignored a feeling.

I'm hoping the cosmos rights itself soon. I'm not up for anymore surprises.

Pay attention now, class.

I should have been an English teacher. This grammar thing is way out of control. I'm pretty sure that if I see "your" used improperly just one more time, I might snap.

To, Too and Two

To is a preposition which begins a prepositional phrase or an infinitive.

"I have an urge to eat a cheeseburger."

Too is an adverb meaning "excessively" or "also."

"I believe I would like a cheeseburger, too."

"I have eaten too many cheeseburgers."

Two is a number.

"I have eaten two cheeseburgers."

Ok? Next.

There, They're and Their

Their is a possessive pronoun. It always describes a noun.

"Their lunch will not include cheeseburgers."


There is an adverb meaning "that location."

"Oh! There is my cheeseburger!"

They're is a contraction of they are.

"They're not going to get their paws on my cheeseburgers!"

Ok? Are we getting this?

Your and You're

Your is a possessive pronoun

"I ate your cheeseburger, sucka." See? Your is the pronoun, and the noun you're (not your!) possessing is "cheeseburger". trust me on this, "your cheeseburger" and "you're cheeseburger" mean two (not too) very different things.

You're is a contraction of 'you are'.

"You're not going to eat my cheeseburger."

Here's a trick. When in doubt as to which is the correct form to use, ask yourself the following question... can the words you're using to convey an idea be un-contracted and still make sense?

Un-contract the one in the first example and see if you still have a coherent sentence...

"I ate you are cheeseburger."

Nope. Doesn't make sense, so you would use the one that is not a contraction. This isn't going to help you with to, too and two, but still, baby steps are good.

A select few of you abuse the hell out of the following, so we're going to review:

The Mighty Ellipsis

"The ellipsis is three periods in a row. It signifies that words or figures are missing. Most frequently an ellipsis is used with quotations. It may come at the middle or end of a quotation. It may be used at the beginning of a quotation if the quotation begins mid-sentence and there is an appropriate lead-in.

In mathematics an ellipsis shows that numbers have been left out. This is usually used in decimals, series, and matrices."

This: .............. is not an ellipsis and it is, quite frankly, annoying.

It is especially annoying at the end of a sentence, comment or question. It leads me to believe there is more information coming. If the information or statement is complete, one period will handle the situation.

"So how are you doing........." Bah!

"Let's meet for lunch on Sunday........... is one o'clock alright?" Double bah!

Stop it.

Farther and Further

I've been corrected on this one a few times, and one time, I was corrected by the worst ellipsis abuser on the planet....... glass houses, people!.................................

Farther denotes physical distance.

"Your cheeseburger is farther from my cheeseburger."

Further denotes time or amount.

"I am further along in my cheeseburger-eating than you are."

I'm not perfect. I have one I have problems with also, so let's get me on the right page now, shall we?

Its or It's?

Go back and notice something about the way I write.

I use "it is" quite often don't I? I do that because I can be sure it's (bah!) correct. The apostrophe confuses me.

(and I use "quite often" or "many times" to dodge the fact that I can't remember the difference between "a lot" and "alot"... we'll do that one next. I wonder what we'll find!?)

An apostrophe plus an 's' indicates a contraction as well as possessiveness.

There's is "there is" but "Joe's" is not "Joe is". This one has never stumped me until it's/its.

For whatever reason, I always think "it's" is possessive but it is not. (hee!)

It's = it is or it has

"It's been three days since I had a cheeseburger!"

Its = posessive

"This cheeseburger tastes like hell without its toppings!"

In ten minutes I will not remember this and I will inevitably type something like "Its raining." Actually I won't... that's where my trick comes in handy! "It is raining."

Of course, I might just do well to remember MY OWN trick - if I can uncontract it, then the apostrophe form is correct. It is not likely that I will remember that though. ;-)

A lot vs. alot

This one, it turns out, is easy.

A lot = meaning a large amount or number of people or things, can be used to modify a noun.

"I want to eat a lot of cheeseburgers."

Alot = not a word.

"Alot is not a word and I want a cheeseburger."

One last one...

Y'all vs. Y'alls

Y'all refers to one person.

"Y'all gonna eat that cheeseburger?"

Y'alls is misleading and is not a word. It does not refer to 2 or more people, as many think.

The plural form of y'all is all y'all.

"All y'all goin' out for cheeseburgers?"

Y'all's is the possessive of y'all and all y'all's is the plural possessive.

"I left all y'all's cheeseburgers in the kitchen."

Damn. Now I want a cheeseburger.

Facebook

I love it. Facebook is MySpace for adults. Well, mostly. There are certainly plenty of adults who act like stupid children, but you'll have that in other areas of life anyway. But there are no stupid bling pictures all over the place that hinder the pages from loading or the cringeworthy Top 8... 10... 12... 400 friends. You never hear "Jody took me off her top 10, what the hell? That's it, I'm making her number 18!"

I got away from MySpace because I lost interest in all the upkeep. Changing profile layouts, updating song lists, adding and removing graphics... forget it. Facebook changes on its own without much effort on my part and I'm a fan of that. With friends updating, etc., I have little to no work to do. I log on, and people have posted new things, so I have new things to read without clicking on a bunch of pages that take an eon to load because of people who post every picture they've ever taken of themselves right on their page along with 1400 flashing glittery butterflies and Hello Kitties.

Special note to you people: All of those pictures look the same because you take them from the same one-armed angle every time. Stop it. Additionally, 3 or 4 of those pictures are enough. Pic the best few and post them. Eleventy hundred pictures of you and half of your arm is overkill.

Facebook is great, but it does have its minor annoyances. The first one is status updates. Right off the bat, I'll tell you that I do post Facebook statuses and sometimes Twitters. So yes, I'm about to have the nerve tread fairly close to slamming something that I participate in. And yes, I'm quite that sure from time to time I post statuses that make people go "So? Who cares?"

But I'd like to point out that, overall, I do my part to keep things interesting. Even the most boring statuses can be jazzed up. I'm willing to take odds that 98% of the friends on Susie Floosie's Facebook don't give a flying rat's ass that she's tired, or that she is talking on the phone, or that she's watching Spongebob. And the other 2% only comment on it because they're her best friends and they already know she's a little bit special. Either that or they're as boring as Susie and they honestly find it interesting that she's just found a dime in her pants pocket.

Now, "Susie is talking on the phone, and collecting $2.50 a minute..." - there's your attention-getter. It doesn't have to be true.

I post totally random song lyrics from time to time because one of two things is going to happen. The readers will 1) recognize the lyric and laugh or 2) not recognize it and become confused. In either situation, I win. This was a real update I posted one day:

"Kim is going to take you by surprise and make you realize, Amanda."

Or once in awhile I log on to Facebook and it occurs to me that I haven't changed the status in awhile, so I go to enter a new status, but it's barely 9 am and nothing has happened yet. I don't like to post things like "Kim is at work" or "Kim is having some juice", so if I draw a blank, I'll post whatever is playing on the radio at the time, and that is why one particularly uneventful Thursday morning, my status said, "Kim is just a small town girl, living in her lonely world."

Yes, I know - a Don't Stop Believin' reference is lame these days (thanks a lot, Sopranos and sports teams!) but not as bad as some I've seen. I tried to jazz it up the following day by posting the words to "Copacabana". Hey, it was funny to me.

The problem with that is the people who really know me or my humor get why I do that - one reason: duh, it's random and funny! And those who don't know me well probably read that and believe I need to be committed. Which might also be true, but not for this.

But again, at least I try to keep it interesting. That's the goal.

If you witness a high-speed car chase up I-94, and the chasee is in a black Iroc which crashes into the jersey barrier, causing all the ridiculous blue neon from the sides of the car and around the license plate to fly off and impale his face, then I want to know about that immediately! Pull over (safety first!), get on your Blackberry or iPhone or whatever gizmo you're attached to 24/7, and update your status right away and send me a Tweet.

If you've just made a cup of tea, then please leave the rest of us alone about it.

Facebook status updates lead to a whole separate area of both entertainment and annoyance - the comments.

Here's one I saw one evening during last season's Biggest Loser, and I know I can use this, because even though the status poster will see this (and probably laugh), I don't know the commenter and I don't have to worry about offending her because she won't see it.

Status: (Friend's Name) is watching Biggest Loser, pulling for Mikey!!!

Now... I was also watching Biggest Loser, and I was also pulling for Mike, and it would have been nice to discuss it with my friend.

But the first comment on the status was: Don't post results! I am DVRing it!

I see this a lot actually. Basically, every time someone posts about a current TV show or sporting event, Johnny D. Killjoy shows up to scold them about spoliers. So, now we have to wait around for everyone to catch up on everything before we can discuss anything?

No. Wrong. If you don't want to know the results, then get off the internet. Seriously. And here is why:

Is there anything anymore that doesn't hit the internet within microseconds of its happening? No. So if you're trying to avoid the score of a game you're haven't watched yet, or the winner of any of the 12 million reality shows we have, or heaven forbid, this week's American Idol results, don't open your browser. I'm not going to sit around waiting to talk about things until you have time to catch up on your TiVo. You may have a life, but I don't, and The Biggest Loser is the ONE damn reality show I watch per year and it is my addiction for the 3 months that it's on, so go piss off with your DVR.

Sidenote to you American Idol watchers... I'm about to spoil every future season for you:

Some half-wit douchebag won and the contestant you like, and probably deserved to win was just kicked off.


Here's the other thing that's getting to me about Facebook... the games. I continue to let myself get sucked into these games and at one point I was running 2 mafias, 3 farms, some kind of - ok, I don't really know what the object of it is - but it's called YoVille and if anyone can explain to me why I'm supposed to keep acquiring coins to buy weird-looking furniture, I'd appreciate it. Thx.

First it was Metropolis. I gave that one up, but I didn't remove the application, so every day I get a notice that says my citizens miss me. Sorry, citizens... I've just been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing in particular, and I will not be returning to your town.

Oh wait... that wasn't me.

But it might as well have been.

Anyway, please continue to enjoy the 75,000 playgrounds and 6,000 Westminster Abbys I have built for you and stop sending me messages.

Then it was Mob Wars. Thanks, Chris.

Then Mafia Wars came along and was a lot more fun. Until I realized that I will never advance beyond the level of Underboss because IT'S TOO DAMN HARD TO KEEP TRYING TO GET THOSE G.D. UNTRACABLE CELL PHONES!

Don't even get me started about Bejeweled. Fall/Winter + Cold, Crummy Weather + a hot cup of tea or Starbucks + Bejeweled = happiness.

FarmVille is the new one I can't stop playing.

"Yeah, I know Target closes at 10, just hold on a minute! My tomatoes are almost ready to harvest!"

Seriously, this Farmville thing has become an insane addiction. As I write this, I'm waiting for my crop of sunflowers to mature. Maybe at some point *I* will mature and not have to refresh Facebook every ten minutes to see if there is a new duckling for me to adopt.

So that's it. No more games. I'll keep my farm with its Olive Trees and Piggies and Sunflower crops, but no more. It's too much. It's a nice escape for a few minutes of relaxation in the evening, especially since the real world has been less than kind lately, but it's too much work, and I'm starting to see things in my sleep, like lines of Bejeweled gems, pink cows, and flowers that need tending, so this has to be nipped in the bud. Pun intended. (Hi Karen!)

Facebook is also perfect for gloom. You've all seen the melancholy club. These are the messages that say things like " *sigh* " or "enough already" and other such pensiveness.

I hate this (I've probably done it, but still, I hate it). I don't so much mind when people want or need to let something off their chest, but come on, you obviously want to get it out, so just post whatever it is... " *sigh* I've just stepped in doggie poop". There, done. We know why you're sighing and we can properly console you.

Don't just write " *sigh* " and make me drag it out of you. I've got my own issues to deal with and haven't time for that. Watermelons need harvesting and my mafia has recently been attacked. Time is of the essence here, people.

The quizzes. Ohhhhh, the quizzes.

I love them when they're funny and I hate them when they are lame, and by lame, I mean they involve things I have no interest in. "Which Twilight Vampire Are You?' I don't know and I don't care. I'm the Vampire that gets offed in the first chapter of the first book, probably, because I have no idea what that Twilight business is all about.

"What random object are you?" - now we're talking! I love random. I am a fan of random! My result was "You are a sexually suggestive cheeto".

I'm a penis cheeto and that's ok, because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

Happy Birthd- ahh forget it.

Can I pass this one up? Can I skip Wednesday, wake up tomorrow and have it be Thursday, October 15, still only be 32, and just miss the whole thing?

That's been my feeling about birthdays for the past few years. 30 sucked. 31 and 32 sucked. And now, 33 doesn't look any more promising. I don't know what it is. It's not about the birthday itself, it's about the years counting up, I think. It's been a sad several months for reasons I won't go into, but I'm reminded of how I'm no closer to the short list of simple things I truly want in life and I have this ever-present sense of time trying to run as far away from me as it can. I feel like I'm basically a good person and I deserve a whole lot better than the last couple years and recent months have given me.

I think that's why I've become a curmudgeon about birthdays. I've grown exhausted of the feeling of being stepped on and screwed over (and over) in general, and birthdays just enhance that feeling. All it takes is one person forgetting, or you hear there will be cake for you in the office, but on that day everyone is too busy to run to Jewel to buy one... or something small like that, and the next thing you know, you hate everyone. I know I'm only being dramatic (unintentionally) and that it is not as bad as all that, but writing it out and seeing it helps to clear up the feeling (a little) and put it into perspective, so I'll run with it.

The sun is out today - maybe this will improve things. Maybe I just need a vacation? Been talking with my bestie about visiting California in January or February - actually we've been talking about it for a good six months or so, maybe more, but it seems like an actual plan now, so maybe that will help? 3 or 4 days away from Chicago snow and cold - who wouldn't want that!? Maybe I just have the "fall blues" because the cold and rain snuck in early this year? Maybe I just need another cup of coffee or have PMS, I don't know.

Wow, did I ever bring the party down here or what? It must be the PMS thing. (heh heh!) But I'll try a coffee refill. That normally helps. In any case, I don't think there will be cake in the office tomorrow (which might be ok, because I HATE having people sing over cake! Can we stop that horsecrap already? Once you're past 12, that needs to stop. New rule. Kim has spoken), so I think I'll stuff a lit match in a Ho-Ho, blow it out, make a wish for a second Ho-Ho, and be done with 33. God, it hurts to look at those numbers, all sitting next to each other like that. >.<

And before anyone comes in and says "shut up, just wait until you hit my age", I'm doing a pre-emptive kiss my arse. That isn't going to help my mood. Give me things made out of chocolate or else keep quiet.

So, I think it's time to be good to myself, when nobody else will (copyright Steve Perry 1986... screw the other two).

Make things happen. Carpe diem. Damn the world, it's all about me. No one is going to do it for me, and all that other affirmative jazz.

Now, where's my friggin' Ho-Hos?

Anatomy of a Crappy Song CHALLENGE!

First ever song dissection challenge!

I've received a challenge to apply my own special way of breaking down songs and slicing and dicing among its lyrical nougatty center for the crap that lies within.

The challenge comes from my friend CJ, who happens to be one of two people in my life who needs to wear a tinfoil hat when dealing with me because the number of times we've said or thought the same things at the same time, or had the same idea, or made the same joke are just too numerous to be coincidence.

So the challenge was to tear apart the same song and compare.

I've not read hers and won't be able to until I post it too. I'm unsure if I can link to hers so y'all can compare, I'd need permission for that... but in the least, I'll report back. Chances are she will win the challenge. She's funnier than I am by far.

The challenge song is "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood.

Now, all I know about Carrie Underwood is that she was on American Idol and that I like to call her Carrie Underwear. I had to look up the song on YouTube....

... and I did not like it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSG4Cml7HXs

I'm not too big a fan of country music anyway, but really, that doesn't seem to be impacting my dislike of this song that much. I found enough problems with it that the genre doesn't even matter to me.

"Before He Cheats" - Carrie Underwear- er... Underwood*.


Right now he's probably slow dancing

Stop. He's "probably" slow dancing? Probably?

Ok, right away we have a jealous woman who doesn't actually know what her guy is doing, so she's sitting around assuming the worst. You know what happens when we ASSUME, don't you Carrie?

With a bleached-blond tramp

This isn't even funny. This is just annoying. This is where the stereotype of women always being catty jealous bitches comes from. Carrie, you are not helping the female cause very much here.

Because a ficticious woman is fooling around with your guy in YOUR imagination, she's a bleached-blonde tramp?

Maybe she's a fat brunette virgin law student? And maybe your guy is out with her instead of you because you're a catty jealous bitch? Look into that and get back to me.

And she's probably getting frisky
Right now, he's probably buying
Her some fruity little drink'
Cause she can't shoot whiskey

Frisky and whiskey?

This is why I don't listen to country.

Right now, he's probably up behind her
With a pool stick

Ha ha, YEAH he is!! A-how-how-howwwww!

Showing her how to shoot a combo
And he don't know

I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat

Now I see the problem. You jacked up the guy's car and you left your name in the damage? And you think "he don't know"? Unless he never learned to read... he does know.

You dumb shit! No wonder he's out with another girl!


I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats


And maybe he will also have your American Idol ass arrested since he will know exactly who vandalized his vehicle.

Right now, she's probably up singing some
White-trash version of Shania karaoke

Yeah. Or maybe a white-trash version of this piece of lyrical poop.

What a bitch. This isn't country music, this is cuntry music.

(oh yeah. I went there.)

Right now, she's probably saying, "I'm drunk"
And he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky

He probably IS gonna get lucky. Know why? He got to make an insurance claim and got a brand new sweet ride because you destoyed his old one, and now he's getting under more women than a maxi pad!

Right now,
he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars
Worth of that bathroom Polo

Huh? Ralph Lauren makes Polo. Hardly a 3 dollar item. What is "bathroom Polo"? Cheap-ass generic Polo? Then it wouldn't be "Polo". Dur.

Oh and he don't know

Yes he does!! He read your name carved in the seat!

(didn't this theme surface in "MmmBop", too? Why do they always think we don't know things that can easily be read in places?)

That I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat

See! The seat says "Carrie"! He knows!


I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats

Maybe next time he'll think before he leaves his car unlocked.

I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl
'Cause the next time that he cheats
Oh, you know it won't be on me!

No, but I bet the next time he pours sugar in someone's gas tank, it will be yours.

Yous a crazy ho.


(she didn't write this piece of crap... only sings it... but it doesn't work if I can't yell at the singer)


I hope this came off well. Not bad for 1) a song I've never heard before today and 2) an off the cuff "let's see what I can do with it" shot in the dark. Next challenge? Happy to take requests. LOL!

Anatomy of a Crappy Song 5: "MMMbop"

Yes. #2 and 3 are still missing. All one of my readers already read them, so they can wait.

I have a problem. The other day on the radio, I heard the most crappingly awful song ever and it's still in my head, so I'm taking all of my frustration out on you people foor no good reason by writing about it so that you all will get this shit stuck in your heads too.

In the summer of 1997, we were inflicted with one of the most awful songs ever (unless you count "Rollercoaster Baby" by one Jon Leonard Friga, aka Jon Cain, aka "This guy helped write "Don't Stop Believin'"? You're friggin' kidding me?!").

That's right. "MMMBop" by Hanson.

Is it "MMMBop" or "MmmBop"?

"Mmm Bop"? "Mmmbop"?

Anyway... what's the problem I have, you ask? This song is super shitty, but by golly, it's catchy! You almost couldn't help enjoy it for a minute! The other problem? You couldn't so much as blink without hearing this crummy piece of musical feces coming from one direction or another.

Guitarist Isaac Hanson, then 16, drummer Zac Hanson, then 11 and their sister, keyboardist and lead singer, Taylor Hanson, then 13... very cute little pop act, and man, that little Zac could pound on those drums! I wish I had talent like tha-

What?

Taylor is a boy?

Hmm. Well, I'll be.

Alright. Well, I did some research...

"MMMBop" was one of the biggest debut singles of all time; it reached number one in 27 countries, including the United States, the UK, Germany and Austrailia; in the UK, the song sold 710,000 copies and stayed at number one for 3 weeks. It was voted the best single of the year in The Village Voice Pazz & Jop critics poll, while also topping critics' polls from such media as Rolling Stone, Spin and VH1. "MMMBop" was nominated for two Grammys at the 40th Annual Grammy Awards in February 1998. It was the band's most successful single to date; MMMBop also ranks #20 on VH1's "100 Greatest Songs of the 90s."

Seriously?

TWO Grammys? Ok, well, at least it didn't win.

Let's try to find out why.

"MMMBop" - Hanson


Oh oh oh oh oh
Yeah

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You go through all the pain and strife

Hold on, Hometown. You're 13. What "pain and strife"?
Well, people thought you were a girl, that had to suck, I'll give you that one...
But you kind of asked for it with that hair.

Pain and strife? You lost your extra Sega Genesis controller?


Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast
Oh yeah...And they're gone so fast, yeah

So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
And when you get old and start losing your hair

You're 13!! This isn't going to be a problem for a good 35 years or more.
Dude... worry about wet dreams and Geometry class first.

Tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care?

Your shrink will, because he's going to drive one hell of a sweet car thanks to your prematurely developed neuroses about losing your hair and getting old. Go eat an Oreo and relax a minute.

Oh oh, who'll caaaaa-aaare

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du

I don't really think that's exactly what they're singing, but you know what, after the 17,000th time, it doesn't even matter anymore.

Yeah Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du....Yeah

Oh yeah...In an Mmmbop they're gone

"In an Mmmbop"? Alright, I'm pretty good at using context to firgure out meanings, so an mmmbop is like a 'blink' or a 'flash'? "In a flash they're gone"?

Yeah yeah

Oh. Ok cool, thanks, Taylor.

Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose

Not helping the girlie thing, Taylor. Not helping.

You can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows

That seems like it would take a ridiculously long time.
Can't I just read the seed packet?

It's a secret no one knows
It's a secret no one knows
Oh ohhhh, no one know-ooows

*I* know. I read the packet.
It was a hydrangea. You guys were way off.


Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du, yeah

Mmmboppa dopp dop doodie doo dip dop dooba dop da doooo.
Skibbity bip dibbity doop deep boop bebop de diddle dup dup BEEP.

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du, yeah

Yertlety turtlety tip top be bop boing boing bip.

I can write nonsensical shit too!
Where's MY goddamn Grammy nommy nom nom dee doop... oh crap. I'm stuck.


In an mmmbop they're gone
In an mmm bop they're not there
In an mmmbop they're gone
In an mmm bop they're not there

(repeat for about 2 straight minutes...)

Can you tell me? oh No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can you tell me? oh You say you can but you don't know
Can you tell me? oh (Which flower's going to grow?)

Read the packet!!

No you can't 'cause you don't know

Yes I do!!

Can you tell me? oh (If it's going to be a daisy or a rose?)
You say you can but you don't know
Can you tell me? oh (which flower's going to grow?)
No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can you tell me? oh (You say you can but you don't know

(repeat 628 x, then add another 412 "mmmbops" and repeat to fade)

May you all have this sheepshit stuck in head for the next 3 days like I have. Good day.