Pay attention now, class.

I should have been an English teacher. This grammar thing is way out of control. I'm pretty sure that if I see "your" used improperly just one more time, I might snap.

To, Too and Two

To is a preposition which begins a prepositional phrase or an infinitive.

"I have an urge to eat a cheeseburger."

Too is an adverb meaning "excessively" or "also."

"I believe I would like a cheeseburger, too."

"I have eaten too many cheeseburgers."

Two is a number.

"I have eaten two cheeseburgers."

Ok? Next.

There, They're and Their

Their is a possessive pronoun. It always describes a noun.

"Their lunch will not include cheeseburgers."


There is an adverb meaning "that location."

"Oh! There is my cheeseburger!"

They're is a contraction of they are.

"They're not going to get their paws on my cheeseburgers!"

Ok? Are we getting this?

Your and You're

Your is a possessive pronoun

"I ate your cheeseburger, sucka." See? Your is the pronoun, and the noun you're (not your!) possessing is "cheeseburger". trust me on this, "your cheeseburger" and "you're cheeseburger" mean two (not too) very different things.

You're is a contraction of 'you are'.

"You're not going to eat my cheeseburger."

Here's a trick. When in doubt as to which is the correct form to use, ask yourself the following question... can the words you're using to convey an idea be un-contracted and still make sense?

Un-contract the one in the first example and see if you still have a coherent sentence...

"I ate you are cheeseburger."

Nope. Doesn't make sense, so you would use the one that is not a contraction. This isn't going to help you with to, too and two, but still, baby steps are good.

A select few of you abuse the hell out of the following, so we're going to review:

The Mighty Ellipsis

"The ellipsis is three periods in a row. It signifies that words or figures are missing. Most frequently an ellipsis is used with quotations. It may come at the middle or end of a quotation. It may be used at the beginning of a quotation if the quotation begins mid-sentence and there is an appropriate lead-in.

In mathematics an ellipsis shows that numbers have been left out. This is usually used in decimals, series, and matrices."

This: .............. is not an ellipsis and it is, quite frankly, annoying.

It is especially annoying at the end of a sentence, comment or question. It leads me to believe there is more information coming. If the information or statement is complete, one period will handle the situation.

"So how are you doing........." Bah!

"Let's meet for lunch on Sunday........... is one o'clock alright?" Double bah!

Stop it.

Farther and Further

I've been corrected on this one a few times, and one time, I was corrected by the worst ellipsis abuser on the planet....... glass houses, people!.................................

Farther denotes physical distance.

"Your cheeseburger is farther from my cheeseburger."

Further denotes time or amount.

"I am further along in my cheeseburger-eating than you are."

I'm not perfect. I have one I have problems with also, so let's get me on the right page now, shall we?

Its or It's?

Go back and notice something about the way I write.

I use "it is" quite often don't I? I do that because I can be sure it's (bah!) correct. The apostrophe confuses me.

(and I use "quite often" or "many times" to dodge the fact that I can't remember the difference between "a lot" and "alot"... we'll do that one next. I wonder what we'll find!?)

An apostrophe plus an 's' indicates a contraction as well as possessiveness.

There's is "there is" but "Joe's" is not "Joe is". This one has never stumped me until it's/its.

For whatever reason, I always think "it's" is possessive but it is not. (hee!)

It's = it is or it has

"It's been three days since I had a cheeseburger!"

Its = posessive

"This cheeseburger tastes like hell without its toppings!"

In ten minutes I will not remember this and I will inevitably type something like "Its raining." Actually I won't... that's where my trick comes in handy! "It is raining."

Of course, I might just do well to remember MY OWN trick - if I can uncontract it, then the apostrophe form is correct. It is not likely that I will remember that though. ;-)

A lot vs. alot

This one, it turns out, is easy.

A lot = meaning a large amount or number of people or things, can be used to modify a noun.

"I want to eat a lot of cheeseburgers."

Alot = not a word.

"Alot is not a word and I want a cheeseburger."

One last one...

Y'all vs. Y'alls

Y'all refers to one person.

"Y'all gonna eat that cheeseburger?"

Y'alls is misleading and is not a word. It does not refer to 2 or more people, as many think.

The plural form of y'all is all y'all.

"All y'all goin' out for cheeseburgers?"

Y'all's is the possessive of y'all and all y'all's is the plural possessive.

"I left all y'all's cheeseburgers in the kitchen."

Damn. Now I want a cheeseburger.