Facebook

I love it. Facebook is MySpace for adults. Well, mostly. There are certainly plenty of adults who act like stupid children, but you'll have that in other areas of life anyway. But there are no stupid bling pictures all over the place that hinder the pages from loading or the cringeworthy Top 8... 10... 12... 400 friends. You never hear "Jody took me off her top 10, what the hell? That's it, I'm making her number 18!"

I got away from MySpace because I lost interest in all the upkeep. Changing profile layouts, updating song lists, adding and removing graphics... forget it. Facebook changes on its own without much effort on my part and I'm a fan of that. With friends updating, etc., I have little to no work to do. I log on, and people have posted new things, so I have new things to read without clicking on a bunch of pages that take an eon to load because of people who post every picture they've ever taken of themselves right on their page along with 1400 flashing glittery butterflies and Hello Kitties.

Special note to you people: All of those pictures look the same because you take them from the same one-armed angle every time. Stop it. Additionally, 3 or 4 of those pictures are enough. Pic the best few and post them. Eleventy hundred pictures of you and half of your arm is overkill.

Facebook is great, but it does have its minor annoyances. The first one is status updates. Right off the bat, I'll tell you that I do post Facebook statuses and sometimes Twitters. So yes, I'm about to have the nerve tread fairly close to slamming something that I participate in. And yes, I'm quite that sure from time to time I post statuses that make people go "So? Who cares?"

But I'd like to point out that, overall, I do my part to keep things interesting. Even the most boring statuses can be jazzed up. I'm willing to take odds that 98% of the friends on Susie Floosie's Facebook don't give a flying rat's ass that she's tired, or that she is talking on the phone, or that she's watching Spongebob. And the other 2% only comment on it because they're her best friends and they already know she's a little bit special. Either that or they're as boring as Susie and they honestly find it interesting that she's just found a dime in her pants pocket.

Now, "Susie is talking on the phone, and collecting $2.50 a minute..." - there's your attention-getter. It doesn't have to be true.

I post totally random song lyrics from time to time because one of two things is going to happen. The readers will 1) recognize the lyric and laugh or 2) not recognize it and become confused. In either situation, I win. This was a real update I posted one day:

"Kim is going to take you by surprise and make you realize, Amanda."

Or once in awhile I log on to Facebook and it occurs to me that I haven't changed the status in awhile, so I go to enter a new status, but it's barely 9 am and nothing has happened yet. I don't like to post things like "Kim is at work" or "Kim is having some juice", so if I draw a blank, I'll post whatever is playing on the radio at the time, and that is why one particularly uneventful Thursday morning, my status said, "Kim is just a small town girl, living in her lonely world."

Yes, I know - a Don't Stop Believin' reference is lame these days (thanks a lot, Sopranos and sports teams!) but not as bad as some I've seen. I tried to jazz it up the following day by posting the words to "Copacabana". Hey, it was funny to me.

The problem with that is the people who really know me or my humor get why I do that - one reason: duh, it's random and funny! And those who don't know me well probably read that and believe I need to be committed. Which might also be true, but not for this.

But again, at least I try to keep it interesting. That's the goal.

If you witness a high-speed car chase up I-94, and the chasee is in a black Iroc which crashes into the jersey barrier, causing all the ridiculous blue neon from the sides of the car and around the license plate to fly off and impale his face, then I want to know about that immediately! Pull over (safety first!), get on your Blackberry or iPhone or whatever gizmo you're attached to 24/7, and update your status right away and send me a Tweet.

If you've just made a cup of tea, then please leave the rest of us alone about it.

Facebook status updates lead to a whole separate area of both entertainment and annoyance - the comments.

Here's one I saw one evening during last season's Biggest Loser, and I know I can use this, because even though the status poster will see this (and probably laugh), I don't know the commenter and I don't have to worry about offending her because she won't see it.

Status: (Friend's Name) is watching Biggest Loser, pulling for Mikey!!!

Now... I was also watching Biggest Loser, and I was also pulling for Mike, and it would have been nice to discuss it with my friend.

But the first comment on the status was: Don't post results! I am DVRing it!

I see this a lot actually. Basically, every time someone posts about a current TV show or sporting event, Johnny D. Killjoy shows up to scold them about spoliers. So, now we have to wait around for everyone to catch up on everything before we can discuss anything?

No. Wrong. If you don't want to know the results, then get off the internet. Seriously. And here is why:

Is there anything anymore that doesn't hit the internet within microseconds of its happening? No. So if you're trying to avoid the score of a game you're haven't watched yet, or the winner of any of the 12 million reality shows we have, or heaven forbid, this week's American Idol results, don't open your browser. I'm not going to sit around waiting to talk about things until you have time to catch up on your TiVo. You may have a life, but I don't, and The Biggest Loser is the ONE damn reality show I watch per year and it is my addiction for the 3 months that it's on, so go piss off with your DVR.

Sidenote to you American Idol watchers... I'm about to spoil every future season for you:

Some half-wit douchebag won and the contestant you like, and probably deserved to win was just kicked off.


Here's the other thing that's getting to me about Facebook... the games. I continue to let myself get sucked into these games and at one point I was running 2 mafias, 3 farms, some kind of - ok, I don't really know what the object of it is - but it's called YoVille and if anyone can explain to me why I'm supposed to keep acquiring coins to buy weird-looking furniture, I'd appreciate it. Thx.

First it was Metropolis. I gave that one up, but I didn't remove the application, so every day I get a notice that says my citizens miss me. Sorry, citizens... I've just been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing in particular, and I will not be returning to your town.

Oh wait... that wasn't me.

But it might as well have been.

Anyway, please continue to enjoy the 75,000 playgrounds and 6,000 Westminster Abbys I have built for you and stop sending me messages.

Then it was Mob Wars. Thanks, Chris.

Then Mafia Wars came along and was a lot more fun. Until I realized that I will never advance beyond the level of Underboss because IT'S TOO DAMN HARD TO KEEP TRYING TO GET THOSE G.D. UNTRACABLE CELL PHONES!

Don't even get me started about Bejeweled. Fall/Winter + Cold, Crummy Weather + a hot cup of tea or Starbucks + Bejeweled = happiness.

FarmVille is the new one I can't stop playing.

"Yeah, I know Target closes at 10, just hold on a minute! My tomatoes are almost ready to harvest!"

Seriously, this Farmville thing has become an insane addiction. As I write this, I'm waiting for my crop of sunflowers to mature. Maybe at some point *I* will mature and not have to refresh Facebook every ten minutes to see if there is a new duckling for me to adopt.

So that's it. No more games. I'll keep my farm with its Olive Trees and Piggies and Sunflower crops, but no more. It's too much. It's a nice escape for a few minutes of relaxation in the evening, especially since the real world has been less than kind lately, but it's too much work, and I'm starting to see things in my sleep, like lines of Bejeweled gems, pink cows, and flowers that need tending, so this has to be nipped in the bud. Pun intended. (Hi Karen!)

Facebook is also perfect for gloom. You've all seen the melancholy club. These are the messages that say things like " *sigh* " or "enough already" and other such pensiveness.

I hate this (I've probably done it, but still, I hate it). I don't so much mind when people want or need to let something off their chest, but come on, you obviously want to get it out, so just post whatever it is... " *sigh* I've just stepped in doggie poop". There, done. We know why you're sighing and we can properly console you.

Don't just write " *sigh* " and make me drag it out of you. I've got my own issues to deal with and haven't time for that. Watermelons need harvesting and my mafia has recently been attacked. Time is of the essence here, people.

The quizzes. Ohhhhh, the quizzes.

I love them when they're funny and I hate them when they are lame, and by lame, I mean they involve things I have no interest in. "Which Twilight Vampire Are You?' I don't know and I don't care. I'm the Vampire that gets offed in the first chapter of the first book, probably, because I have no idea what that Twilight business is all about.

"What random object are you?" - now we're talking! I love random. I am a fan of random! My result was "You are a sexually suggestive cheeto".

I'm a penis cheeto and that's ok, because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.