"Kim Just Trimmed Her Bush in Farmville"

That ^ was honestly the best Facebook status I've ever posted. I think it might become the title of the book I'll never write.

But you don't even have to play the game to get why it's funny. Facebook members have all seen these goofy wall posts, and the folks who don't play the game have probably become annoyed enough to hide all the posts from this application by now, since (I believe I read somewhere that) Farmville has become the most popular Facebook application.

I became addicted to playing this game, as all of my Facebook connections know by now. It's my winter evening chill out activity. Almost time for bed, not quite ready to sleep and am bored, so... go farm for awhile.

But, even better, I learned last week that Farmville serves a better purpose - feeding my seriously sick sense of humor.

It isn't enough that Farmville gives me all kinds of wonderful things to make fun of, like the stupid pop-ups encouraging me to tell all my friends that I just mastered the Squash crops and that I'm now the proud owner of a Baby Turkey... yeah, thanks Farmville... what this basically says is "Hi! Go tell all your friends on Facebook what a loser you are and don't have a date tonight, so while you're sitting on your couch eating Godiva truffles, you just harvested your 1,200th batch of cartoon tomatoes and are now the Tomato Master of the World!"

Incidentally, I apologize to my Facebook friends and family for all the lost animal and gold egg posts. To be fair, I don't post all the other stupid shit the game tries to make me share... but Farmville really sticks it to you with the lost animals. They give you a picture of a really sad looking animal and they tell you it got lost and is lonely. Say you get a sad, lonely ugly duckling or a lost cow... they give you 2 buttons to click. One says "Help Cow" and one says "Ignore Cow".

I don't care if it's only a cartoon game, you have to have a great big disgusting black heart to be able to click "Ignore Cow" and live with yourself.

If you're politically correct, a christian, or any kind of nice person, you're not going to like what's coming. The rest of you heathens are invited along for the ride.

Recently, Farmville added some Christmas items and caused a big stir among the serious players (read: among a lot of people with way too much friggin' time on their hands to complain about a f*%#!ing cartoon tree). All this did for me was give me more things to laugh at, so I came out a winner.

Farmville gave every player a "Holiday Tree" which can hold "gifts" that can be sent back and forth between friends. What happened was Farmville sent this cute little tree to each player's gift box so that players might place the tree on their farms and place gifts under it. Basically, all it means is that you're going to get FREE items for your game.

You like free items, right?

I do too!!

Well, two things happened. First off, many players became upset that Farmville named it a "Holiday Tree" and not a "Christmas Tree".

Well, we hear that argument every year at this time, so no big surprise.

(aside: please stop forwarding me those emails becuase I truly do not care. It's a Christmas Tree to me because it's the word I learned for it over 30 years years ago and because it is a symbol of the Christmas holiday, but if it makes people feel better to call it a "Holiday" tree, then I really don't give a damn. Call it "Steve" for all I friggin' care. It's a dead pine tree, that's what *I* call it. Do you people not realize the world is full of starving children, environmental trouble, war, criminals and Rush Limbaugh? Bigger fish to bake and dust with lemon juice and pepper, people!! ((I prefer that to frying)) What was I saying? Oh yeah... the Christmas tree...))

So there was the one camp of people complaining that it was called a Holiday Tree... and the second thing that happened was the other side of the argument, the people who want nothing to do with Christmas complained that the Farmville developers FORCED a Christmas tree on them. Even though they called it a "Holiday Tree", the wool could not be pulled over on this group of scholars. They knew damn well it was a Christmas Tree!! And they were PISSED.

HOW DARE these crafty game developers try to give them free crap under the guise of Christmas! HOW DARE they take such liberties as to place a green bundle of pixels in the gift boxes of people who don't celebrate Christmas!! I honestly read a comment like that - that Farmville was wrong to take it upon themselves to just run amok and PUT that Christmas Tree in the person's giftbox. I mean, wow. Just wow. O.o

It's not like Farmville has a "delete item" option, or anything. Wait... what?

The little red shovel that says "delete" can be used for removing unwanted items?

You're kidding?!

Well, problem solved then!!

What? You mean that wasn't good enough and people still complained?

Unimaginable!

These people are now my target. Would have been just as easy to shut up, delete the tree, and stay off my radar but unfortunately the damage is done.

I had a conversation about this with a friend, about all the people freaking out over something so stupid. There's no violation of religious beliefs and there is no purposeful slight against any group of people. It's a GAME... just interactive colored pixels. That's all it is.

Personally, I would like to see them really get into the Christmas spirit over at Farmville. Let's transform it into ChristianVille for the Holy Season. Your don't get a farmer... instead, you get a little Kirk Cameron that wanders about tending the sheep and whatnot. Granted, your farming neighbors might stop visiting until he goes away, but see, that's part of the game challenge.

So, where's the limited edition nativity scene? Where's the Mary and Joseph? Lord knows I have enough freakin' sheep and lambs to put inside the darn thing.

I want to go into the game on Christmas morning and see the little "ready" icon over Mary's head and choose "Collect" and harvest from her my limited edition Baby Jesus. Why can't I do that? Then maybe I can place him on my farm and he can grow up, just like the crops grow... then on Good Friday he can wilt, like the daffodils do, and lay in a heap among the hay bales. Then on Easter Sunday I can choose "Transform" and bring him back! "Kim just resurrected her Jesus in Farmville! Click to Collect a Bonus!" Then you a get a purple Easter egg.

I want wisemen, and every 2 days I want to click them and collect frankincense and myrrh.

"A lost, lonely Jew wandered onto your farm looking for a good sale."

Help Jew ... Ignore Jew

I mean come on!! If we're going to have some fun with this game, let's REALLY get into it!

Hmm. Maybe we should stick with adoptable animals instead of adoptable Jews. That might be just one too far. It isn't so much a political correctness issue as it is a human rights issue. PETA can kiss my lily white tuchus, but I don't need the JDO breathing down my neck.

"A lonely, lost Gefilte Fish swam into the pond on your farm."

Help Gefilte Fish ... Put Gefilte Fish on Cracker and Eat Him

That's better.

But this might actually fall under the heading of HannukahVille.

(Do you people have any idea how hard it was for me not to type JewVille?)

Oops.

Er.

Moving on...

My other favorite complaints have been the people who have something to say about the things that you collect from the animals. When lost, lonely turtles arrived, their collection item was eggs.

Yeah? And?

I read some comments about cruelty, or some such nonsense.

Good lord! It's a goofy game! Er... guys? Psssst! The turtle eggs aren't real!

You know what I want? I want to stuff a pig, a chicken and a cow into the dairy barn and harvest me a Bacon, Egg & Cheese sammich. I want to click the horse and get a nice plate of Cheval a la Bordelaise! Why can't I collect tubs of mayo from the chicken coops? It's made of eggs, ISN'T IT?!

"Baby Calf is ready" - "Click to Brush Calf for 90 coins"

What? No!

Give me Veal Scallopini!!

No one listens to me. I have all the great ideas, and no one cares.

But it doesn't matter anyway, because my Eggplants are almost ready and I'm just about to become the Eggplant Master. Goo goo g'joob.