HOLD EVERYTHING!

How much do you love infomercials?

If you said you don't, you're either A) lying or B) not paying close enough attention.

Infomercials are better than any reality show, crime drama, sitcom, game show and anything else on television. Except anything on the History Channel. Or The Learning Channel. Ooooh! Or finding a nostalgic movie on TBS... well, ok, I lied, so infomercials aren't better than "anything", but they're right up there.

I don't even know where to begin with this. But you know how it goes... you're up unusually late, or unusually early, and there's nothing much on TV...

BUT WAIT!!

What's this? I don't even care, I want that!!

Isn't that the way goes? Depending on how much sleep you've been robbed of to be up at such an hour, those products seem like the best inventions ever. And if you've been deprived of more than 5 hours of sleep, these shows actually make you angry that you didn't have the idea for that damn thing first!!

But if you're doing what I usually do, then most of the time you're just sitting there in amazement at how stupid that item actually is. Mostly, it's stupid because you know good and damn well that if you had it, and you weren't kidding yourself, you'd use it once. Twice, maybe, but both uses would be within the first week of ownership.

Now, I've never bought anything from those infomercials. Technically. But unfortunately, those products at Walgreens and Target labeled "As Seen On TV" do count. So while I have never actually been compelled enough by one of those infomercials to whip out a credit card and pick up the phone, I can't say I haven't ever bought one of those products. And interestingly, I have actually been known to use a few of them. At present, there is exactly one infomercial product that I've had for years and still use...

The Turbie Twist!

I don't care what y'all think, those things are great.

The other one I would use, if I had one, is the Slap Chop. But really, this one doesn't count, because the only way I know that I would use that is that I already own the Pampered Chef version of it. If I didn't have that, and didn't know how awesome it is, I'd laugh at the Slap Chop.

I kind of wish I did have the Slap Chop, for no other reason than to use that promo photo here in this discourse.

Well, hell, it's MY blog, I'mma use it anyway.

Now of course, you can NOT talk about the Slap Chop, especially with the photo, without mentioning the ...

SHAM WOW!

This one, I actually wanted. But this, I also know, would have sat unused had I ever bought it. And I know this because I came into possession of a box of free knockoff Sham Wows (thanks Woot.com) at one point about 2 years ago. Shammiez, or Shameez or something or another... point being, the box remains unopened.

Wait a minute.

That Sham Wow guy looks a little familiar. I think I have seen him somewhere before.

Aside: Do you ever feel like you've won a small lottery when you flip channels and find the Sham Wow infomercial?

No? Just me? Alright then, moving on...


To fully appreciate the entertainment value in these works of commercial art, you must understand the outline of an infomercial.

Part One: "Tired of...?"

They haven't told you much about their product yet, if even mentioned it at all... first they must convince you that your current product(s) is (are) a huge inconvenience. This is where they show you a chore that you are frequently forced by law to perform, a chore which they are about to point out is worse than scraping barnacles off of the QE2 or polishing the Chrysler Building with a toothbrush. They going to show it to you via black and white footage of someone performing said chore with your current product, all the while describing to you everything that is sinfully wrong with the way you do it and the tragedies that will inevitably occur if you continue along this dangerous path of destruction.

Are you tired of of mopping your floor? All you're really doing is pushing filthy water, dirt and bacteria around your floor...

(insert mandatory cutaways of a dripping wet golden retriever the size of a Toyota racing through the kitchen leaving big mud spots all over, followed immediately by a toddler playing on that same filthy, disgusting tile floor).

Not only is this unsightly, but extremely unsafe! DCFS is going to come and take your children, pets and houseplants away!! If you want to be a better wife and mother...

Then you need...

By this point you have seen the black and white footage of a bedraggled, frustrated lady with a rope mop or a squeeze mop (if you're lucky, they'll show you both!), pushing dark, filthy water around the room, looking upset and confused about how to get all this dirty water up off of the floor.

These little interstitials are the best parts. Basically, they are implying that we're all stupid and incompetent. I couldn't possibly figure out how to get water off my floor, there MUST be a better way!!

Take for example, the famous infomercial for Nads. Ya know, the leg and bikini wax stuff. In trying to explain to you why applying green wax to your leg and ripping off all of your hair, skin, fat and muscle tissue in one move is phenomenally better idea than shaving with a razor, they show you a black and white (over)dramatization of a lady shaving with a razor. She rakes the razor up her leg and to show you that she has just cut herself, she JERKS her whole leg and winces in agony.

Ladies (and some of you men...), we have ALL experienced a razor cut to the leg. Has it ever, at any time, been THAT dramatic?

If you're shaving your legs and you become like that lady in the black and white 'before' clip, then I declare you too retarded to ever hold so much as a baby pacifier, never mind a Venus Embrace. I mean, come on! The absolute worst razor cut I have ever had, I didn't even know happened until 20 minutes later when noticed that I was bleeding onto my flip-flop, for crying out loud. And even the ones you do feel are nothing. Now, keep in mind that this comes to you from the biggest whiner complainer (not to mention klutz) with no tolerance for pain that you've ever met. If even I can keep from performing accidental surgery on my leg with a Lady Gillette, I'm pretty sure the rest of you are safe.

Now, for all of you lazy chefs out there, there are no less than 44,826 kitchen gadgets and gizmos for sale on television to make your life easier.

Don't want to bother putting your grub in the oven, in a crock pot or in a frying pan? No time for preparing a meal?

You need the

It's the NuWave Infrared Oven! That's right I said INFRARED OVEN!!

It's true!! Now the very same technology used for remote controls, night vision goggles and de-icing airplanes is available RIGHT IN YOUR KITCHEN!!

One of the worst things in this particular commercial are the "satisfied consumers" that they have talking about the NuWave Oven. One of them was a Chef!! A chef! And it showed said chef in the kitchen of his restaurant, cooking food in this contraption.

This shows you just how dumb they believe we are. A chef is not going to be in a restaurant kitchen cooking up your Beef with Béarnaise Sauce with a glorified Easy Bake oven. And if he is, I'm definitely not eating at that restaurant.

Bullshit sales pitch aside, if you really dissect these kitchen gizmo commercials, they're about the best entertainment you can find. The black and white cutaways in this specific brand of culinary advertising are the best of the bunch (be careful, sometimes they slip one in that's in color just to mess with you). You are shown a multitude of problems experienced by people who don't own the gizmo in question, but you're guaranteed to see the following two, at minimum.

1) The Sloppy Cook. This is the person who can't handle a spaghetti dinner without having it all over the walls and tries to boil up a 12 pound ham in a 1 quart saucepot.

2) Crowded Cabinet Lady. You know her. She's the one who opens her kitchen cabinet and an avalanche of blenders, choppers, slicers, dicers, toasters, dehydrators, mixers and George Foreman Grills (and remind me to circle back to the subject of THIS piece of shit) comes crashing down on her.

They want to show you that you NEED this item so you can avoid all of the peril that you are most sure to encounter without it... just like the Nads people.

But the kitchen gizmo people are pulling a magic trick on you like you wouldn't believe.

This is the next part of the infomercial outline...

Part Two: Hook, Line and Sinker

The various perks and benefits to get you to call RIGHT NOW and order the thing. The tactic they use is, of course, the most obvious way to get you to buy something, by making you an "offer you can't refuse"... but there's a hole in this the size of Jupiter that I've never heard or seen anyone even mention before. I hope I'm the first person to notice it! I've always wanted to be the first to expose a fraud or an injustice! Someone always beats me to it.

But here it is, and hopefully you heard it here first. Go back to Crowded Cabinet Lady. All this shit falls out of her cabinet because she has no room for her 226 different gadgets, and all of her problems would be solved if she had just the ONE gadget that they're trying to sell you, right?

Right!

And how to they reel you into buying their one gadget? You know the answer... say it with me now....

They offer you... MORE GADGETS!

LOOK!!

Seems that when you order this Easy Bake Oven for Grownups, you also get a Party Mixer, a NuWave Twister and a Pizza Kit!!

Hot damn!!

BUT HOLD EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!

If you call in the next 30 minutes, they will send you a SECOND NuWAVE OVEN!

So, on to the question I ask every time... What in hell for?!

They've just finished telling me how unacceptable it is that everything but the Luftwaffe flies out of the cabinet every time I open the door, and I should have their ONE all-purpose gizmo to avoid such conditions. So they now want to send me TWO of their gizmo, plus additional bonus gizmos. Their solution to freeing up space in my cabinet is to send me more shit?

I was really let down by that. The exuberance with which the guy yelled "HOLD EVERYTHING" had my hopes way up high, and all he offered me was a second NuWave Oven. And not only that, then the bastard told me I had to pay separate shipping on a 2nd oven that I didn't even want to begin with. Another magic trick!

I wish I could write about every ridiculous product, but it would have to be a running series, like "Anatomy of a Crappy Song" (which is long overdue for another installment, I think...). There are just too darn many craptastic infomercials and stupid products. Who is honestly buying this stuff?

I want to meet the individual that paid $12. 95 for the Lint Wizard Pro. ("Pro"?) And I want to tell that person to run down to FedEx Kinkos and grab a pile of those sticky-backed airbill pouches. They work 500 times better than that befrigged Lint Wizard, I guarandamntee you that. Oh... 'scuse me... Lint Wizard Pro.


I also want to meet the Special Ed who bought this one:

*blink* *stare*

"Tired of making a complete mess and burning yourself when making pasta?"

I'm just going to come out and say it.... first, if you are burning yourself and making a 'complete mess' while making pasta often enough to become tired of doing so, you need to be locked up, end of story. Second, if you are that lazy, or that much of a derp that you need a special pasta gizmo to help you make pasta, you again, have no business in or near a kitchen.

Step 1) Fill pot with water.
Step 2) Place pot on range and turn burner on. Preferably on high.
Step 3) Boil the god dang water.
Step 4) Insert pasta

Almost as ridiculous as all the kitchen accessories... the clothing, Oh my god. "Pajama Jeans" (dude, what?), the "Ah Bra", the "Booty Pop" (go look that one up yourself, I'm not even getting into it, and I do mean that literally), the "Slim T", and my favorite, "The Perfect Button"

"This set of buttons let you extend the size and life of your favorite pants for years. Tired of not being able to fit into those jeans you've had for more than five years? Don't worry just attach the perfect fit button that matches your button color and increase the waist size of the pants."

Um. If you haven't been able to fit into them in five years, a new button is not going to fix that.

And just to show you that you really can buy ANYTHING "as seen on TV"...

How come he's $0.00? Ohhhhh wait. I bet I know. O.o Anyway...

I clicked "add to cart" just to see what would happen!!

My Billy Mays will arrive within 14 business days, and I also received a second Billy Mays free. All I had to do was pay separate shipping.

Ok, ok.... this is really what happened when I clicked add to cart... I was taken to this page...

New arrivals? Shouldn't this be on the clearance tab?

*crickets*

I know. That was.... um... yeah.

I'll leave you with a filthy secret, just to show I can take it as much as I can dish it.

*inhale* *exhale*

Yes, I own.... the Scunci Steamer. http://www.scunci-steam-cleaner.com/

And honestly, I wish I would have waited for the Shark Steamer because I would have gotten the steam mop thingy free with my purchase!! Now it's its own entity and no longer comes with the Shark Steamer!

A, B, Start, Select, Up, Down

My oh my how gaming has changed since "my day", by which I mean the late 80s. For one thing, we didn't call it "gaming". "Gaming" - like most "ing" verbs - suggests a serious effort in which time and money are heavily invested, strategy is intensely studied, and developments, improvements and additions are made on a constant basis. It sounds like "hunting" or "fishing"... "Gaming" makes it sound almost like a profession. "I am a gamer".

20+ years ago it was as simple as "Let's go play Mario!" Yes, it's called "Super Mario Brothers", but we didn't (and still don't) call it that. We were on a much more familiar basis, a first name basis. He was, is and always will be "Mario".

My favorite thing about video games today versus 20-25 years ago is the ability to stop playing and save your spot. Kids of the new millennium have no idea the feeling that creeps in when you've made it to level 8, this time you might just save the elusive Princess, and you get called to dinner or told to go to bed. Kids now have no idea how much work was involved to protect the game system from being shut off. You had to seek out and verbally inform everyone that might be in, near, or within 16 blocks of your house that you are in the middle of a game and NOT to turn the system off. You had to post warnings, inform family and neighbors, and most importantly, stand items in front of the shelf or find some electrical tape to cover the light so that in the event an energy-conscious (read: cheap) parent should happen by, your progress does not become a victim of "Hey, who left this on? My name isn't ComEd, you know!"

I've been out of the video game loop for quite awhile. I had the 8-bit Nintendo with the giant cartridges... the damn thing still works too! (you still have to blow in the cartridges and the game system to get it to work though)... the next one I had was Sega Genesis, but I never really got all that far into it.

Awhile later, when Playstation arrived, I realized I just couldn't hack it. Too much going on with those games and those controllers that have 8 buttons, two joysticks and a directional arrow key. Not only does each button do something different, but the button functions vary game to game. One game uses this button to shoot/aim/fire/jump/swim/do the batdance... another game with the same activity relies on a different button to perform it. Forget it.

But wait! The invention of Wii gives me a controller like I had back in the day? Well, sign me up! Ok, they've added one additional button, but that's alright. One is fine. Considering that for many of the games you really don't need *any* buttons anyway, I'll take the one extra button, no problem. Well, I was a little wrong about that. Buttons do become a problem again down the course of this tale.

Now, the downside of the controller frenzy is this: sure, Nintendo brought back the simple game controller, for which I am thankful, but in the process, they gave us a slew of games that need all kinds of other bullshit in order to play them. It seems like each game has its own gizmo requirement now. The hunting game has to come with some kind of rifle, the Wii Fitness games and a few others need a "balance" board, the Dance Revolution game needs some kind of floor mat to dance on, the Mario Kart game needs steering wheels for each player... well, ok, you got me on that one... you can play it without the wheel but what the hell fun is that? ... and for the Rock Band games, you need 2 guitars, a microphone, a keytar (oh yes, there's a keytar) and friggin' DRUMS. You now need a drum set to play a video game... really?!

A, B, Start, Select, Up and Down are just not enough anymore. But isn't there a happy medium between A, B, Up and Down and a video game that requires you to hire roadies to set the damn thing up?

I don't have enough patience, or enough interested friends for that matter, to start my own virtual rock band just yet, so I went with Guitar Hero (which has also recently added microphones and drums... but whatever)..

Now we're talking! Games like this are exactly perfect for my generation. A child of the 80s who outgrew video games 15-20 years ago can once again hole up on a cold winter night and just be a kid, only this time, the games are way cooler, and considering the content, it is now perfectly acceptable for people my age and up to play video games. I mean, you stick Slash on the box and fill the game with 70s and 80s rock, you're basically saying "Hey, it's ok that you have clear memories of Nixon, Carter and /or Reagan being elected... you can still play this!!"

I was a little giddy, I must admit. I played this game once, on the display at a Best Buy, and I suuuuuucked, but that was in Best Buy for five minutes. Surely, in my own living room, with time to read the directions, I can figure it out. No problem. I'm gonna be the best fake guitarist ever!

Well, that was the idea. Here's what actually happened:

"Holy shit, what are all these dots flying across the screen at me!? What am I supposed to press? But I DID press that one, nothing happened! Press them both? Both what? Why do you keep talking about Star Power? Is that like the little star in Mario that makes you invincible? If I'm invincible, I won't get booed off? What do mean "that's not what Star Power means"? Well, that's what it SHOULD mean, because I keep getting f#@%!&*! booed off!"


Well, close enough. Here is what honestly happened:

"Ooooh look, it has "American Girl"! I know every note of this song, I'm gonna start with that!!"

*Music stops and I get booed out before the first chorus*

"Hey, what the...? Um. I'm not so good at this. Man, that song has a lot of fucking notes."

This is where a slew of buttons reappears to ruin my day.

You've seen these video game guitars, yes?

5 fret buttons... green, red, yellow, blue, orange. A strumming "bar" and a whammy bar. Just when I thought I had my simple controller back. Ah, me.

Now, think about how you hold a guitar. You have 4 fingers available on the fretboard. There are 5 buttons on the fake guitar. "Something doesn't quite add up here," I think as I stare at the guitar controller.

Brief rundown: On easy mode (and we're being real loose with the word "easy" here), you get green, red and yellow notes. On medium mode, you add blue notes. On hard mode, you add orange and at this point the sequences are complicated. Beyond that is "expert" mode. I can't even begin to imagine anyone actually being able to do that.

I should probably go the easier route and just learn to play a real guitar, but it's already too late. The note colors and combinations are already starting to stick in my head... much the same way the 12 year-year-old me started to see everything as a possible Tetris puzzle. Don't even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about...

I can already tell you that to play the chorus of "Slow Ride" by Foghat, you go... yellow-red-hold on green repeat. More to come shortly on why I was playing friggin' Foghat in the first place...

This game actually requires skill, timing and coordination. Not a fan of that. I just wanted to play "Welcome to the Jungle". Well, I DID play "Welcome to the Jungle". And before I even got to "sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-kneeeeeees-kneeeees", Slash climbed out of the TV... YES, he climbed OUT of my TV, took the guitar away from me, beat me right over the head with it and said "You're not even close, just STOP playing that. Stop it. I'm serious."

On the upside... I got to meet Slash.

This is about where Foghat enters the picture. It's the very first song on Guitar Hero 3. It's the first song because it's the easiest song. Yellow-red-hold on green yellow-red-hold on green yellow-red-hold on green... it's the song you start with when you're a complete DERP at trying to play virtual guitar. It's Guitar Hero: Short Bus Edition.

It's a good training item, but once you get through it twice with more than 80% of the notes played, you feel like you can go try "Welcome to the Jungle" again. But there's Slash, sticking his big old top hat out again to remind you that you still suck. "Back to Foghat with you," he says.

Even real guitarists can't deal with this game... watch HERE as Dave Mustaine says it's "harder than playing real guitar" and Scott Ian can barely get 30% of the way through one of his own songs.

You would swear that the following idea was part of the writing process for every song in the game:

Guitar Hero 5 features "Spirit of Radio" by Rush. This had to be someone being a wiseass. Had to be. If you don't know the song, go to YouTube right now. Play it. Then you'll you'll know why I laughed OUT LOUD when I saw the song list. I've decided not to play it. A) even in strumming-only mode (no fret buttons used), it's a nightmare and B) I don't need Alex Lifeson coming out of that TV next. Maybe he would send Geddy? I'd prefer that. Geddy is wee little man. I could totally take him.

I have since improved a bit. Last time I tried "Welcome To The Jungle", Slash only peeked out briefly and gave me the stinkeye. Once you get the hang of it, it's fun as hell. Now they just need to give me the edition I really want... Guitar Hero: The Who. Come on, we know Pete would sell his own mother for the right price, there's no reason not to expect GH: The Who. The only production challenge is that the game would have to come with 1200 guitars because you'd have to keep smashing them.

Now, one of the other really great things about current video game technology is that you no longer have to sit in the same position, moving nothing but your two thumbs to the point where both of your legs and your ass are asleep (ever get "Nintendo ass"? You know, sitting on a floor, cress-legged for 2 straight hours playing games... you better hope nothing catches fire at that point because running for you life just ain't gonna happen). These days, advanced technology has us acting out the games! Wireless, bluetooth, motion sensors, whatever is going on in those remotes, I don't know, but you can actually go more than 3 feet away from the TV now! (ever forget you were holding a game controller and get up and walk away, pulling the whole game system right off the shelf? Yep. Another hazard of gaming in the 80s)

Skiing, skateboarding, bowling, tennis, baseball, dancing, snowboarding... wait... what? Dancing?

Oh yeah. Now this I got on board with right away. This right here is both exercise and fun rolled up into one. Hmm... what kind of dance game would be fun... let's see...

Oooh! How about that Michael Jackson dance game! I've watched all those music videos most of my life, I can TOTALLY do that, no problem.

I'm gonna stop right here and say this: if you ever find the above thought crossing your mind... just go right to ebay, find yourself a used Atari and a copy of Frogger and call it a day.

If you haven't seen the commercial for this, showing you all kinds of shiny, happy people playing the MJ game, here it is:

And I am telling you right now... that is 100% NOT what happens when real people play.

Turns out, watching those videos a thousand times and knowing the moves does not qualify you for jack diddly crap except maybe having too much damn time on your hands. If you do insist on trying the MJ game, you will need to purchase the required hardware for the game: the Wii-KG machine, set of Wii-fibrillators, intubation kit (also compatible with Wii Sports Resort), crutches and a neck brace (optional). I recommend purchasing the Wii Trauma Bundle. You get all of that, plus the game, as well as a bonus game controller for a friend (more than likely a friend you don't like very much).

Let's put it this way, the "Beat It" and "Thriller" routines are the EASY ones. I'm keeping this game and canceling my Bally's membership right away. (that's not a joke) Additionally, I now know the reason Michael Jackson was so thin his whole life.

Seriously, go try to be "Smooth Criminal" in your living room. Come back and report. Do you know that those creeps had the nerve to include that wacky anti-gravity 45-degree forward lean move in this game? Yeah... I mean this:

The hell?

Yeah, there's no moonwalking, but they saw fit to include this one? You know how MJ did that? Special shoes and pegs on the floor / stage (sorry, Mike, I blew your secret, but in my defense... 1) it's all over the internet anyway and 2) well, you're not exactly going to come get me, are you? O.o)


My game did NOT come with special MJ loafers or pegs for my floor (nope... there were no Anti-GraviWii shoes in the box... maybe in version 2?).

So, I cheat. I make the controller go where it needs to, since that's all it really senses anyway, because if I tried that shit, I'd faceplant. Then I would sue his estate (why not, everyone else and their mother are doing it...).

The thing that bums me out is that in the same way we have amusing videos of real rockers trying to play the music games, I would love to be able to see Michael Jackson here to try to play his own dance game. I bet even MJ would say...

I don't even need to exaggerate about this game. This game *will* kill people. Shit... it probably killed him! Propofol, my ass... he got preliminary copy of the game and "sha'moned" himself to death. This is probably the toned-down version.

Hopefully I can do well enough at the dance game to keep Mike from popping out of that screen, though.


That would be... awkward.

So, if you're going to play this game, here's my advice: Stay far away from any song where MJ was white. Those are impossible. It's no coincidence that I can play the "Thriller" song perfectly and damn near done killed my bad self with "Remember The Time". What I figure, is that the whiter he got, the more he tried to distract us with all the complicated dancing. Knock it off, Mike. You're white, and we can see it. And most of us don't give a damn, we just like it when you dance, so quit it with all the visual trickery.


The long and short of this is that you're never too old, or too young, to enjoy video games. My niece could beat the crap out of me at Wii Bowling when she was 5. And at my advancing age, I could probably beat Scott Ian at Guitar Hero. As long as your having fun, it doesn't matter. And though the playing field has changed since I was a kid, with my little copies of "Rad Racer" and "Dr. Mario", it's still entertaining, still challenging, and still fun as all hell to grab a friend and laugh yourselves insane at how much you suck trying to play "Bohemian Rhapsody" and how impossible it is to try to play "Time Warp" without doing the dance that goes with it.

Just remember: yellow, red, hold on green

People Who Need A Swift Bitchslap: Part Two

(I really shouldn't have to preface this with "It's ALL about comedy, and never meant to offend..." because you all know my humor, but ... well, ya know... everyone is sensitive about everything these days... so, there ya go.)


People Who Need A Swift Bitchslap: Part Two


People who are sensitive about everything. (ha!)

Couples who sit on the same side of a booth in a restaurant. If you aren't dining with anyone else, and it's just you and your partner, then for heaven's sake, sit across from each other.

People who observe that you are clearly very sick and proceed to ask you "Are you sick?"

Any woman over the age of 21 that speaks in a squeaky little girly cutsie voice. (memo: it's not cute)

Men who oogle women that are browsing for panties at the store. Dear Creepy Old Man, I'm shopping at TARGET not Frederick's of Whoreywood... move along please!

People who define their names with an article (talking to you, "The Situation").

People who make up random dopey-ass names for themselves (you again, Sitch! And I'm kind of side-eyeing your pal, "Ochocinco" too...).

Meatloaf should be bitchslapped for the above, and also for about 146 other reasons.

Anyone named "Blagojevich". ANYONE.

Lisa Rinna

Kathy Lee AND Hoda

People who tell you at a funeral that it's nice to see you and then say "I wish it were under better circumstances." That part is understood!! Of COURSE we would want better circumstances, but it's still ok to say it's nice to see someone, even if it's not the ideal situation (or "The Situation"). Honestly, who in hell is going to enter a funeral home and say "Hey it's nice to see you! Good thing Marge took that bungee jumping trip, or we might not have hooked up until New Year's!" I mean, come on!

The Prez's wifey (hey, I wasn't born this morning, I'm not about to type her name into the same post with the word "bitchslap"and end up being visited by the federalis!)

Michael Vick

Parents who laugh and giggle and loudly exclaim over their children in public so that we will all notice WHILE looking around to make sure every stranger in their vicinity is acknowledging whatever cutsey little thing the kid is doing. Sssssstop it.

Double bitchslap to the parents who give you a dirty look if you DON'T smile and laugh and tell them how cute their kid is. Dude, I don't know you. Yes, your kid is really cute, but since when am I under obligation to stop and fawn over your anklemuncher just because he's laughing and wiggling and flinging Goldfish crackers? If I want to observe your kid and tell you he's cute, then I promise you, I will. If I don't, just move on with your day.

People who take offense at what is clearly a joke just because it might in some way apply to them. (that's pre-emptive for all the shit I'm going to catch from people with kids for saying the above, which brings us to...)

Parents who tell non-parents that they don't understand something about children or parenting just because they don't have children. I really should start saying "Hi, thanks for overtly reminding me that I'm old and childless while calling me stupid at the same time!! Have I told you that all your baby weight is FINALLY starting to come off, and just in time for the baby's 19th birthday!! You look SO great!"

Joan Rivers

People who insist that because their document won't print or a web page won't load it's "this damn Windows Vista!" Translation: "I don't know that much about computers, but people seem to hate Vista, so that MUST be what the problem is!!" Usual solution: nothing Vista-related.

People who don't think Betty White is hilarious.

The women from the "Ahh Bra" infomercial.

Absolute strangers telling you "Hey, smile..." or "Cheer up!" if you happen to appear sullen for whatever reason (or for no reason at all... some of us just have the 'mad eyes' and there's nothing we can do about it.). If you say that to someone you should immediately be slapped 4 times. What if their pet just died. What if they've just been fired. As a matter of fact, you don't even know them, why are you saying jack crap to begin with? Extra slap for that.

ELIZABETH HASSELBECK

The entire cast of Glee.

People who... Just. Don't. Get. The. Joke.

The list will, again, continue.




Also available for your reading pleasure...

the original People Who Need A Swift Bitchslap...

The Difference A Year Makes

Actually... that's a stupid title.

The year hasn't "made" the difference. The year didn't do anything. The year just sat there while I had the experiences, the laughs, the pain... the year just sat back in its La-Z-Boy and let me make mistakes, learn new things, build relationships, go on adventures... the year has basically been a lazy bitch while I was out bringing home the bacon.

But anyway...

I recently read back over some old blogs, particularly one that I wrote last year just at this time, a couple of days before I turned 33. So I thought why not review and update.

One change I've made is that in 2 days I will be turning 28. And every birthday forward, I will again turn 28. Never thought I be one of those people but yeah... 28.

It's a little strange to think about how I was just 12 months ago. Like, "Who WAS that person?"

I was unhappy and moody a lot of the time, and I felt like I didn't deserve a lot of the things that had happened and were happening to me. And I was right. However, I didn't know what to do about it, except be upset. So that's the biggest change. I figured out exactly what to do about it: stop taking crap, stop being negative and really appreciate all the good things around me. The negative things and the negative people needed to GO. There is too much good in this world though it may not always seem that way, and wallowing in self-pity accomplishes nothing.

Of course, bad things happen. That's a fact of life. Around this time last year, I sat there listening to gripe after gripe after endless gripe from a friend about all the bad things that were happening. Eventually I realized that most if not all of it was avoidable, changeable and handleable (is that a word?) and all the "bad" things I kept hearing about were the results of a horribly negative attitude and a generous helping of self-victimization. I never want to become one of these people. Nor do I want to do to people what that friend did to me and turn them into casualties of my negativity. My family and friends mean way too much to me for that. So I have a choice: sit around and be pissed and miserable and drive people away, or stop blaming others for my own problems, put on my big-girl panties and deal with it and look at all the GOOD things I've taken for granted.

The choice was obvious.

I've even come to a point of forgiveness for the people I've been hurt by. It's pretty easy to do once you realize that not all people are meant to get along, and sometimes people just don't know any better or don't ever learn.

I recently saw a former friend at the store one day. I almost didn't recognize her, because it's been awhile. It's a long story, but she and I just weren't cut out to be friends. And that's ok, that happens... I was about to say 'hello' to her. I don't have anything against her, and I realize that the parting of ways was both of our fault, and I accept the responsibility for that... and it's been awhile now, so I don't really see a reason not to at least say 'hello' and ask how someone's doing, you know? But she... well... doesn't appear to see it that way, I guess. She looked at me like I was a criminal, so I kind of just filed away the fact that she's holding bad feelings so I kept on going without a word. I guess sometimes it's just better that way. Leave well-enough alone and hope they are happy in whatever they're doing.

Same thing happened with another former friend, in kind of a different manner. I kind of figured, again, it's been awhile, surely some of the ice has melted... nope. In this case though, the parting of ways was brought on by the other party, and while I know it's much better that we not be part of each others lives, I still see no good reason to hold onto a bunch of bad feelings, especially the more time that passes.

So I think the lesson learned in those instances is that some people just aren't capable of change, regardless of your course of action. And again, I don't want to be that type of person.

It's not easy. It's a normal feeling to be upset and hurt when people let you down or when things aren't going well. What I've learned, though, is that sometimes things happen... if there are things that are out of your control, you have to find a positive way to deal with it. If they are things you can do something about, then you have to take action. Ok, this happened, now what can I DO about it and will my action give me the outcome I want? Maybe yes and maybe no... but would you rather NEVER know?

(That was insightful as all hell... I gotta write that one dow- oh... I just did... nevermind)

So here we are, one year later and one thousand lessons learned. About myself, about others I've interacted with, about the people in my life now... and I say, keep it coming. I'm so much NOT the person I was 12 months ago... even 6 months ago... I can directly credit 4 specific people for the vast changes and growth I'm enjoying. I've been happier lately than I've been in a long time.

So to those 4 people I say thank you. It's the best birthday present I've ever received.

It's been awhile...

I didn't realize I hadn't written since March. It's been kind of a wacky year and I guess I just haven't been in the mood.

"The Urge" hasn't really struck me to write, the funny ideas have popped in randomly, but I haven't been in the mindset to follow through.

I'm slowly rediscovering my urge. It's been awhile since my muse struck, as I said, and sometimes life's stresses will take a toll. But that's alright... it happens to us all.

The muse isn't exactly striking, but the urge to write *is*, and that can't be ignored. At least not with me. If the urge is there, it usually means that the ideas aren't far behind. Until then, I think I'll just write about what I'm not writing about and let it flow from there.

Could be another installment of "Anatomy of a Crappy Song"... could be something pop-culturey... I guess we'll see. If I'd remembered to watch Dancing With The Stars, I could give you 3 paragraphs on Bristol Palin alone. And of course, The Hoff. Ohhhhh the wealth of material that lies with The Hoff... it boggles. However, he got booted in week one, so I guess that's the joke in and of itself, with no help from me. Thanks, Hoff. You saved me a little bit of work here. But at the same time, you robbed me of about 16 good 'drunken cheeseburger-eating while doing the tango and wearing the Baywatch speedo' jokes.

That wasn't funny. Pardon me while I scrape some more of this rust off.

So, I'm in search of topics. I'm taking suggestions, by the way.

I can't do news and politics because... well, I just don't read or watch the news all that much anymore. Isn't that sad? But I just can't do it. Almost everything in the media lately ticks me off so much that I can't even tolerate listening to it anymore. I hear it all day long in my office with the Glenn Beck talk radio, and that's about enough to make anyone want to give themselves at-home Lasik surgery with a spork, so that's out.

I can't write about current events or whatever current celebrities happen to be going crazy because I honestly don't know what's going on out there. Again... TV is my enemy. I'm so much happier watching TV shows from the good old days on DVD than I am weeding through a bunch of reality trash like American Idol and Jersey Shore (p.s. are you KIDDING me with that Jersey Shore? I mean... really?). Let me have my "Friends", "Big Love", "Alf" (yes, you heard me, I said "Alf") and Star Trek: TNG, and keep all these insane reality shows the hell away from me.

I can't do sports because I don't watch football or basketball. Football, I just don't understand (I'm not an idiot, I just really don't care that much, so anyone who has ever tried to explain it to me might just as well have been speaking French) and basketball is just intolerable.

I only watch hockey. And really, just how funny and interesting can you be talking about hockey? Not very. Other than the part where I tell you how much fun it is to watch 12 guys at a time bash the intestines out of each other while chasing a little black rubber disk, there isn't much else to say about it.

I don't want to write about the holidays because it's only September, but what I could write about is how I've about had it up to *here* with talk of Christmas because it's only September. It started on September 8th, with the family emails about Christmas Eve dinner (yeah Christine, I know, you have to plan ahead... you and I will just have to agree to disagree on the definition of "plan ahead"... LMAO!). Two days after that... "December 11th is the Christmas party, keep that day open..." Ok, fine... I wrote it down. I'll bother back with it on December 1st. Fair? Yes. A week later, the Christmas trees went up at Woodfield Mall.

By next week, I bet those stupid giant light up things will be erected over in Rosemont and I'll have to look at that every day for 3 months. You know the ones I mean, the ones you can see from 90 (and probably the moon), and I bet you all are as sick of those dumb things as I am. I don't think they've changed that setup in my lifetime.

I ain't even carved a mofo pumpkin yet! There are probably still a few 70-degree days left and I'd like to try to enjoy them without visions of sugarplums dancing in my head, thank you very much.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a grinch, not by any means. I like the holidays and the food and the joy and the love and the whole family being together thing. I really do. I wouldn't trade my family's awesome Christmas Eves for anything and I look forward to it muchly.

I just don't feel like laying out cookies and milk for that jolly fat bastard in September. If I hear one more word about Christmas before November 15th, I swear, I'll slip Santa a mickey and he won't even make it to all y'alls houses, and your little ankle-biters are gonna get shafted. So keep it up with the Christmas jazz and we'll just see!

If you must inundate me with Christmas images so early in the year, then can I please make just one request?

Please bring back that old commercial from the 80s where Santa goes snowmobiling on a giant Norelco shaver. I always used to like that one.

The rest... make like a candy cane and get bent. :-P (joke!)
I have better things to do, such as search for blog topics.

Thank you and good day, sirs.

*blink* *stare*

I really have to start traveling with a notebook and pen, and I have to make a solid effort to stop whatever I'm doing and write down some of the stuff I overhear in public. I'm missing out on so many opportunities for comedy gold by not being prepared.

Some things are just so insane that you can't possibly forget them. These are the things that make you stop whatever it is you're doing and just stare. And blink. And stare some more, because whatever the thing was, it was so damn stupid that you can't believe it just happened and you have to replay it in your head right on the spot. Then you have to check with people around you... "Did he just say...?" "No, really, did I just hear...?" "No, I'm serious, was that real?"

Such was the case last night at Steak N' Shake.

Even if you don't have them where you live, or haven't been to one, the main points of the place are right in the title. but I'll briefly run it down for you... Steakburgers, Shakes, 50s diner decor... basically, it's fast food that you can sit in and eat (booths and servers, not a McDs type thing) or you can get it take out or hit the drive through. Nothing formal.

So I'm sitting there with my friend...

and p.s. - I notice whenever stuff like this happens, I am always the one sitting on the side of the booth where I am facing the people I'm overhearing, so I can't make faces and comments when they utter very stupid things. It's not fair. I hate behaving.

Anyway, the server comes to take our order and she gives the little speech about their current promotion, as she is directed to do, and informed us they they were offering Kool-Aid Shakes and the available flavors were grape and tropical punch.

I can't say I wasn't briefly intrigued, but I'm not totally sure I want to know what Kool-Aid and milk tastes like together, so I chose Diet Coke.

Well, several minutes later, 2 young girls stupided their way into the restaurant and were placed at the booth behind my friend. And of course, the stupider of the two was on the far side, facing me... I'll call her Boxo (my sister's name for people who are "dumber than a box o' rocks").

Well, their server approached, and he gave them the same offer of Kool-Aid Shakes that our server gave us. The outcome was a bit different.

Server: "Blah blah blah Kool-Aid Shakes and the flavors are grape or tropical punch."

Boxo: "Kool-Aid Shake... what's in that?"

Me: *Blink* *Stare*

Server: (explains Kool-Aid Shake)

Boxo: "Oh. Well... do you have just regular Kool-Aid?"

I had an inner conniption fit. Come on, you people know me... you have to know how hard it was to sit there and hear that and not get up and say "No, Boxo, they don't have *just* Kool-Aid. They pour it in the Shakes then they THROW THE REST AWAY."

Believe me, there was more to this, but I don't remember most of it because hearing exchanges like that makes my IQ drop and I haven't recovered yet.

Though a bit later, the server returned, and I didn't hear what he specifically said, because unlike Boxo, he spoke in a normal tone. Boxo was not at all shy about flashing her short bus pass. It was something about a beverage and I heard the words "sweet tea".

Boxo: "Yeah but I like it more sweeter."

I weep for the future.

So in starting to relate this story to another friend, I was pointed to the direction of the following blog:


http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/


I'm all over this now. Because I know these are real. You read this stuff and think "No way, that's made up!"

No. Someone really said that. It is a world full of Boxos out there. I'll prove it... I don't even need to explain the background or the context with this one... this comment tells the whole story all by itself and I promise, it's real...

"It's not so much a window as it is a... big pane of glass."

I should have the victim of that one submit that to "Overheard in New York". They won't know it was heard in Chicago. They can't check. We'll put one over on them but good.

*Blink* *Stare*

Nope. IQ not recovered yet. Try again tomorrow.

'Scuse me while I kiss this guy...

Nope, I'm not going to write about misheard lyrics (at least not today!) or Jimi Hendrix songs.

I'm going to discuss rainbows and why I want them returned to all of the people of the world.

Rainbows are colorful, fun, enjoyable symbols of happiness. Rainbows make us think of childrens' toys, Olympic rings and Lucky Charms. Come on, Pink Hearts, Orange Stars, Yellow Moons, Green Clovers, Blue Diamonds.... and Purple Horseshoes!

In the 1970', however, a crime was committed. The gay community took the rainbow.

A sidenote that needs not be made to anyone that's known me for more than five minutes: gays are 100% equal to all other people on Earth and deserve every single thing straights have available to them.

Having said that, the same goes for non-gays. WE deserve the rainbow too.

I want it back and I want it back right now.

What, you think you get to just come in and claim a meteorological phenomenon for your own? You can't just march in like Neil Armstrong and stick a rainbow flag down and say "mine", what the hell is that about?

You know what? The Sun. It's mine. I want it. It's my symbol and from here on out, all uses of the Sun will be a symbol of the wonderfulness that is Kim. Done.

What? I can't have the sun? Why? It's there, I like it, and I want it. It is going to symbolize me and everyone will call me Sunshine from now on, because that's ME. I'm a SUNNY person.

Ok, nevermind... I see the flaw.

Forget the sun. I will take the gray raincloud.

You see my point? You can't just claim a random weather occurance as your own.

I like rainbows. You know what happened when I created a line of rainbow hay bales in Farmville? I got an invitation to a facebook group for GLBT members.

Again, I have no problem with the GLBT groups - all the love in the world to them... but now I can't even arrange cartoon hay bales into a happy design without people making assumptions about me. Now I know how black guys feel when they hear car doors lock as they walk down the street.

So, no, sorry, you can't have the rainbow. Pick something else. What about that purple triangle business? You all still doing that? You can have that. I don't care much for triangles. They have three sides, which is not an even number, so I haven't much use for that. And purple is a great color but I'm willing to live without it if the gay community absolutely needs to have their own color.

But that's the thing... you get ONE color. The Irish have green and are happy with that. You don't get to come in and take ALL the colors. What the hell?

So get together, pick one color... choose a shape as well, if you must, and give the rest of them back, you greedy-asses.

Thanks.