I could hold back no longer. The time has come.
The time for... The Charlie Blog.
I could have done this 2 months ago, when he went batshit, but no... it became clear pretty quickly that it wasn't going to be a one-time episode of batshit. It was going to last awhile, so I wanted to have as much of the information as possible before proceeding. We haven't really heard much from Charlie over the years that wasn't scripted. Turns out, he was saving up all his batshit for one grand Mount Saint Helens episode of Super Batshit.
Of course, too many people either were never interested or are now burned out on The Charlie Show. But screw that, this is MY show now. :-P
But what to call it? After... what? A month or two? ...of the some of the most insane quotes you'll ever hear in your life... which one is a fitting enough title for my piece?
Among the contenders were...
"Duh. Winning." ~ The obvious choice. I love it, but it's everywhere now, and worn way thin.
"Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh." ~ Holds the core idea with just a bit more flair. Boom.
"I don't have time for their judgment and their stupidity and you know they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they say, 'I can't process it' well, no, you never will stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show. You know?" ~ Sorry, Charlie (Baaahaahaaa!). Good, but way too long.
"I have defeated this earthworm with my words. Imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists." ~ This one intrigues me. He managed to get "earthworm" and "fire breathing fists" right into the same musing.
"I'm not wearing a golden sombrero." ~ We might have a winning winner, here. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. And I like that.
"I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground." ~ What happened to the earthworm?
Nope. No good. Need a warlock reference. Not complete without a good warlock reference. And so there we have it.
Ahhh, Charlie. Where to begin? At the beginning, yes, but... which beginning?
I think I shall go the Pulp Fiction route, start in the middle, and work my out to each end. Royale with Cheese, anyone?
When the whole "Sheen Drama"... wait... which Sheen Drama? Well, the most recent one. Wait... which most recent one? I think I'll start with the weekend hooker bender in Las Vegas 2 months ago. So when the whole Sheen Drama began about 2 months ago, it made the news with an alleged report that the cast and crew of Two and a Half Men weren't for sure if he was going to report to the set after being holed up all weekend long in Las Vegas on a pretty serious durg, booze and hooker bender ("Hooker Bender"... you guessed it! Band name!). I remember reading that particular story on TMZ... (Don't navigate away! Stay here! Just right-click and open it in a new tab :-P )
(I'm not usually much about following all the celeb gossip, but I have to admit, when there's a good story going, TMZ certainly makes it interesting...)
Later came the stories of more partying and eventually hospitalization. Despite the jokes I have made and will absolutely continue to make, I don't find those things funny. I don't know him, and it may be a case where he needs a great deal of help, and in that instance, I hope for nothing but good health and recovery for him.
For the moment, however, Chuckie seems to be enjoying this ride and has taken the jokes made at him and embraced them, loved them (violently) and took ownership of them (all the way to the bank).
Make zero mistake... I sincerely laugh WITH him, not AT him.
When Warner Brothers/CBS put Two and a Half Men on indefinite hiatus, things got interesting. A now-famous radio show call-in rant to the Alex Jones Show followed by an open letter from Sheen posted on TMZ opened the floodgate to a parade of "What The Fuck?" that made Lindsay Lohan look like Rainbrow Brite.
We all watched in disbelief. Yeah, it was believable... we know he's been in a kerfuffle or two in his day, no surprise there. But this was a whole new amazing level of kerfuff.
The thing that, in my humbly-bumbly opinion, made it seem more bizarre than it probably was, was that much of this was coming out in print. You lose tone and context that way.
So when one reads a printed piece quoting Charlie Sheen's "rants" about fire breathing fists, earthworms, octagons, "Chaim Levine" and tiger blood... one is likely to deduce that Mr. Estevez has gone full-tilt mental.
It wasn't until he started showing up on every single talk show that would have him, and I watched and listened, that I realized that when you put those things back into context and apply his normal humor and smartassical (it's a word!) tone, you have Charlie doing what Charlie has pretty much always done... talking like a self-involved, smarmy bad boy.
Granted, the arrogance is still a bit much, but the tiger blood and the bitchin' rock star from Mars and all the other seemingly insane ramblings are really just a guy sitting there being an incredibly epic smartass.
Right around the time of his appearance on 20/20, I described the situation to a couple of people as the train wreck that just keeps rolling over and over, and just when you think the train is going to stop, it smashes into about 20 more things.
For my official stance, I think it's pretty sad and unfortunate that the whole cast and crew of Two and a Half Men have ended up without a job, at least for the time being, due to his behavior and subsequent mouthing-off. I can appreciate his statements about fighting for those people to be paid, et cetera, but fact is fact... he kinda started the whole thing. The execs took action. Would any workplace tolerate such behavior from an employee? Not likely, my friends. They did what they felt they needed to do.
In return, Charlie is doing what he feels he needs to do.
At the end of the day, that's all it really is.
The fact that he's doing it so publicly, I believe, it what has people so bug-eyed about the whole business.
Me, I'm doing what Chuck-o told me to do - "enjoy the ride" he said. I do realize that at this point, it's been in the news just a bit much, and there are much bigger and far more important issues going on at the moment with the earthquakes and tsunamis rocking Japan all over the map, and now the nuclear crisis.
But still, it's given me a lot of entertainment. The endless jokes and parodies have been enough entertainment for the rest of the year.
One of my favorites was a tweet from John Stamos on February 25th:
"contrary to the rumors, i am not replacing charlie sheen on two and half men. however, martin sheen has asked me to be his son."
My other favorite thing was Jimmy Fallon's parody:
Unfortunately, not everyone is enjoying Charlie's adventure quite as much. As I've come to learn, a certain orange, fuzzy inhabitant of the Hundred Acre Wood (no, I don't mean Snooki) is a few of bright shades of pissed off...
The time for... The Charlie Blog.
I could have done this 2 months ago, when he went batshit, but no... it became clear pretty quickly that it wasn't going to be a one-time episode of batshit. It was going to last awhile, so I wanted to have as much of the information as possible before proceeding. We haven't really heard much from Charlie over the years that wasn't scripted. Turns out, he was saving up all his batshit for one grand Mount Saint Helens episode of Super Batshit.
Of course, too many people either were never interested or are now burned out on The Charlie Show. But screw that, this is MY show now. :-P
But what to call it? After... what? A month or two? ...of the some of the most insane quotes you'll ever hear in your life... which one is a fitting enough title for my piece?
Among the contenders were...
"Duh. Winning." ~ The obvious choice. I love it, but it's everywhere now, and worn way thin.
"Boom, crush. Night, losers. Winning, duh." ~ Holds the core idea with just a bit more flair. Boom.
"I don't have time for their judgment and their stupidity and you know they lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children and look at their loser lives and then they look at me and they say, 'I can't process it' well, no, you never will stop trying, just sit back and enjoy the show. You know?" ~ Sorry, Charlie (Baaahaahaaa!). Good, but way too long.
"I have defeated this earthworm with my words. Imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists." ~ This one intrigues me. He managed to get "earthworm" and "fire breathing fists" right into the same musing.
"I'm not wearing a golden sombrero." ~ We might have a winning winner, here. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. And I like that.
"I'm an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground." ~ What happened to the earthworm?
Nope. No good. Need a warlock reference. Not complete without a good warlock reference. And so there we have it.
Ahhh, Charlie. Where to begin? At the beginning, yes, but... which beginning?
I think I shall go the Pulp Fiction route, start in the middle, and work my out to each end. Royale with Cheese, anyone?
When the whole "Sheen Drama"... wait... which Sheen Drama? Well, the most recent one. Wait... which most recent one? I think I'll start with the weekend hooker bender in Las Vegas 2 months ago. So when the whole Sheen Drama began about 2 months ago, it made the news with an alleged report that the cast and crew of Two and a Half Men weren't for sure if he was going to report to the set after being holed up all weekend long in Las Vegas on a pretty serious durg, booze and hooker bender ("Hooker Bender"... you guessed it! Band name!). I remember reading that particular story on TMZ... (Don't navigate away! Stay here! Just right-click and open it in a new tab :-P )
(I'm not usually much about following all the celeb gossip, but I have to admit, when there's a good story going, TMZ certainly makes it interesting...)
Later came the stories of more partying and eventually hospitalization. Despite the jokes I have made and will absolutely continue to make, I don't find those things funny. I don't know him, and it may be a case where he needs a great deal of help, and in that instance, I hope for nothing but good health and recovery for him.
For the moment, however, Chuckie seems to be enjoying this ride and has taken the jokes made at him and embraced them, loved them (violently) and took ownership of them (all the way to the bank).
Make zero mistake... I sincerely laugh WITH him, not AT him.
When Warner Brothers/CBS put Two and a Half Men on indefinite hiatus, things got interesting. A now-famous radio show call-in rant to the Alex Jones Show followed by an open letter from Sheen posted on TMZ opened the floodgate to a parade of "What The Fuck?" that made Lindsay Lohan look like Rainbrow Brite.
We all watched in disbelief. Yeah, it was believable... we know he's been in a kerfuffle or two in his day, no surprise there. But this was a whole new amazing level of kerfuff.
The thing that, in my humbly-bumbly opinion, made it seem more bizarre than it probably was, was that much of this was coming out in print. You lose tone and context that way.
So when one reads a printed piece quoting Charlie Sheen's "rants" about fire breathing fists, earthworms, octagons, "Chaim Levine" and tiger blood... one is likely to deduce that Mr. Estevez has gone full-tilt mental.
It wasn't until he started showing up on every single talk show that would have him, and I watched and listened, that I realized that when you put those things back into context and apply his normal humor and smartassical (it's a word!) tone, you have Charlie doing what Charlie has pretty much always done... talking like a self-involved, smarmy bad boy.
Granted, the arrogance is still a bit much, but the tiger blood and the bitchin' rock star from Mars and all the other seemingly insane ramblings are really just a guy sitting there being an incredibly epic smartass.
Right around the time of his appearance on 20/20, I described the situation to a couple of people as the train wreck that just keeps rolling over and over, and just when you think the train is going to stop, it smashes into about 20 more things.
For my official stance, I think it's pretty sad and unfortunate that the whole cast and crew of Two and a Half Men have ended up without a job, at least for the time being, due to his behavior and subsequent mouthing-off. I can appreciate his statements about fighting for those people to be paid, et cetera, but fact is fact... he kinda started the whole thing. The execs took action. Would any workplace tolerate such behavior from an employee? Not likely, my friends. They did what they felt they needed to do.
In return, Charlie is doing what he feels he needs to do.
At the end of the day, that's all it really is.
The fact that he's doing it so publicly, I believe, it what has people so bug-eyed about the whole business.
Me, I'm doing what Chuck-o told me to do - "enjoy the ride" he said. I do realize that at this point, it's been in the news just a bit much, and there are much bigger and far more important issues going on at the moment with the earthquakes and tsunamis rocking Japan all over the map, and now the nuclear crisis.
But still, it's given me a lot of entertainment. The endless jokes and parodies have been enough entertainment for the rest of the year.
One of my favorites was a tweet from John Stamos on February 25th:
"contrary to the rumors, i am not replacing charlie sheen on two and half men. however, martin sheen has asked me to be his son."
My other favorite thing was Jimmy Fallon's parody:
Unfortunately, not everyone is enjoying Charlie's adventure quite as much. As I've come to learn, a certain orange, fuzzy inhabitant of the Hundred Acre Wood (no, I don't mean Snooki) is a few of bright shades of pissed off...
Additionally, a certain professional golfer feels he's had enough bad press in the last year and is ready to take action should Mr. Sheen choose not to cease and desist about his feline plasma...
But you have to admit, it's been an interesting ride. Mr. Sheen, formerly Carlos Estevez, has been acting since the age of 9, but most of us became aware of him in the mid-80s, through such films as Red Dawn or Lucas.
Personally, I first saw him in the role for he which he was denied an Oscar nod - the role of "Boy In Police Station" in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. And I will certainly admit, I would not have kicked Mr. Estevez out of bed for eating crackers back in the day...
Ooh la la... WINNING, indeed.
Ok, Tiger Beat moment over. And you know what, stroll down memory lane over too...
What was I thinking... we don't need a career recap. It's all moot. Ferris Bueller, blah blah, Wall Street, Blah bitty blah blah, Hot Shots, blah bitty bitty blah blah BLAH. Nothing he's done can possibly stand up to his current starring role in "Charlie's Whirlwind of Whatthefuckery". I'm starting an immediate movement to get this guy as next year's Academy Award host.
I've decided that, whatever we think of him and his behavior of late... we have to be honest with ourselves here... he is truly living the dream... the dream of being able to walk around all day, every day, saying WHAT THE HELL EVER YOU WANT to whomever you want, (so much so that you even lose your job doing it) and (STILL!) making a crapload of MONEY doing it! He's about to make 7 million dollars for doing just one month of live shows. Just Charlie in a chair on a stage for 90 minutes ranting about tiger blood and octagons. Let's look at this! $40 to $80 a head. 7 MILLION DOLLARS in a month. For sitting in a chair being a mental patient.
Batshit as he may be, the guy is a friggin' genius!
(hang on... wasn't that Clinton's campaign slogan?)
I've decided that, whatever we think of him and his behavior of late... we have to be honest with ourselves here... he is truly living the dream... the dream of being able to walk around all day, every day, saying WHAT THE HELL EVER YOU WANT to whomever you want, (so much so that you even lose your job doing it) and (STILL!) making a crapload of MONEY doing it! He's about to make 7 million dollars for doing just one month of live shows. Just Charlie in a chair on a stage for 90 minutes ranting about tiger blood and octagons. Let's look at this! $40 to $80 a head. 7 MILLION DOLLARS in a month. For sitting in a chair being a mental patient.
Batshit as he may be, the guy is a friggin' genius!
(hang on... wasn't that Clinton's campaign slogan?)
(if it wasn't, it should have been)
With this blog still in draft status, the tides have turned yet again, and I'm now reading that Chuckie wandered into Jimmy Kimmel's show last night for a little smoochy smooch and now today may be asked back to Two and a Half Men.
The dream continues!
Not only can he wander about freely, saying whatever he wants to whomever he wants, lose his job doing it, go on to make 7 million dollars in one month for nothing more than sitting in a chair on a stage for 90 minutes ranting about weird b.s., randomly march onto Jimmy Kimmel's set and kiss him full on, he THEN gets to go BACK to the job that FIRED him (no doubt with a giant raise).
Dear Charlie Sheen... go play the lottery. Seriously.
Dear Jon Cryer... I'm sorry.
Dear Emilio Estevez... just curious, do you have tiger blood, also?
Dear Jimmy Kimmel... get tested.
There can't be an end to a blog about a story with no end. So, as the cast of Lamb Chop's Play Along would tell you (if Sherri Lewis were here to help them do it), this truly is The Song That Doesn't End.
Yes, it goes on and on, my friends...
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