First, we must examine the meaning of the word "irony". There are several types of irony, therefore many definitions and some of them are subjective, but I believe I found a nice summary...
"The American Heritage Dictionary's secondary meaning for irony: “incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.” This sense, however, is not synonymous with "incongruous" but merely a definition of dramatic or situational irony. The American Heritage Dictionary’s usage panel found it unacceptable to use the word ironic to describe mere unfortunate coincidences or surprising disappointments that 'suggest no particular lessons about human vanity or folly.'"
It's that bold part there - that's what I was looking to find proof of. I knew that, but I couldn't find a dictionary entry that gave it to me in the words I needed or one that gave me a definition that wouldn't have involved me looking up six other words to figure out what in hell they were talking about.
So this brings us to Alanis Morisette's "Ironic". I feel bad for this one, because I like Alanis. But this song just begs for it.
The wind is let out of my sails a bit by the fact that Alanis has already copped to the misuse of the word. Behold:
"The song's usage of the word "ironic" attracted attention for what some think is an improper application of the term. Two situations that Morissette describes in the song are arguably examples of cosmic irony: events that, as the Oxford English Dictionary puts it, appear "as if in mockery of the fitness or rightness of things", such as "a death row pardon/two minutes too late". Morissette has also confirmed that she is a self-dubbed "malapropism queen" and alleges that the song was lighthearted and not taken too seriously at the time it was written."
Well, you know what? That isn't about to stop me.
An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
Nope. Not irony. Might be cosmic irony if the guy was 35.
He was 98!!
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
Mmmm... nope. Not ironic. Gross, but not ironic. And completely preventable, by the way. Hang up a no-pest strip for crying out loud, and you will drastically reduce the odds of ironic insects in your beverages.
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late
Subjective. Cosmically ironic, I agree. Ok, she got one right, so far.
(Chorus)
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
No, I don't. Thus, this blog.
It's like rain on your wedding day
Not ironic unless you happen to be marrying a weatherman who took the day off to marry you and his incompetent fill-in predicted sun.
It's a free ride when you've already paid
If you've paid, it isn't a free ride. Even if someone offers you free boarding, and you've already paid, so it's still a paid ride. How about "It's the offer of a free ride when you've already paid"? I can see how this poses a melodic problem, but that doesn't make it ok to alter the English language.
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Dismissing good advice is not irony. If you receive the good advice and choose to ignore it, the consequences are your own fault. Now, it might be ironic if you received the advice 5 minutes after you did the dumb thing, and the advice turns out to be information you would have appreciated and used had you gotten it five minutes earlier. But I suppose trying to work that in poses an even bigger melodic problem.
Who would've thought... it figures
I would have. I'm starting to believe this song should have been called "Murphy's Law", because that is what all of these situations sound like. And by the way, isn't that when people usually use the expression "it figures"? When they've been run over by Murphy's Law?
Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought"Well isn't this nice..."
Again, probably cosmic irony at work here, so I don't mind giving a slight pass on this one too, but...
... who is sitting there thinking "Well, isn't this nice?" as their plane is crashing? Even with a sarcastic tone, that's the kind of thing you think when you spill coffee on a white shirt or you get caught jerking off, or something. Now I wouldn't know firsthand, but I'm assuming that if the plane is crashing, smartass quips are not what are going to happen across peoples' minds at the time.
"OHMYGODNOOOOOOHOLYSHITTHISCAN'TBEHAPPENING
OHGODOHGODOHGODHELPMEICAN'TBELIEVETHIS!"
...is probably what is going to go through peoples' minds.
But again... melodically, it does not work.
(Chorus)
Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
Isn't that almost the very definition of Murphy's Law? Or close enough at least? If you remove the "when you think" part, you're there. Murphy's Law. If anything can go wrong, it will. A fucking fly will land right in your wine.
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong
and everything blows up in your face
Something blew up in my face just a few nights ago. Literally. Life did not help me. Whining and crying "It hurts!!" helped alot though!!
A traffic jam when you're already late
I call b.s. Traffic jams happen all the time. When you're late, when you're early, when you're not even out driving... if you get into a car at any time of the day, start it, and drive down a road where other cars are also driving, you risk being in a traffic jam. There is nothing ironic about it.
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
Then go somewhere else and smoke, dumbass.
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
Who on this planet, OTHER than spoon factory workers and possibly Crate and Barrel employees, has ever in their life encountered 10,000 spoons? I want to meet the person who was in their kitchen or at a concession stand searching for a knife and all they could find were 10,000 spoons.
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
Not ironic! That one falls under "unfortunate".
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...
Well, I don't, and it's MY blog. Ppppbbbblttt!
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