I was looking at Cosmo online. This is a problem right away, I know, but bear with me.
Over the years Cosmo has taught me a lot... and then one day I realized that, in actuality, Cosmo has only taught me the same thing over and over, which tricks you into thinking you're being taught "a lot". And then I realized that the thing Cosmo has taught me over and over was that they only have two things to offer me... stuff I already know and stuff I would never do.
These are all real article titles that I got from their website. And guess what, all of these are the same damn article...
10 Cravings All Guys Have
28 Moves For Wow-That-Was-An-Amazing-Night
Best Kama Sutra Tips and Sex Positions
10 New Sex Positions To Try
The Cosmo Girl's Guide to Oral Sex
Hang on... that last one... um, what? No, don't read that article. Just don't.
(sidenote: if you're related to me, you probably should just stop reading right now, because I really don't need you staring at me in horror over Christmas dinner. Go read the one I wrote about infomercials instead. I promise, it's funny)
They are not going to tell you anything that's going to help you. Every article about that topic comes down to one thing... "have him drink pineapple juice."
I don't really know whether or not that one is true because no normal evening can possibly involve a woman approaching her man with glass of pineapple juice and saying "Here, I brought you a drink." (By the way, who actually keeps pineapple juice in their house as a habit to begin with? Unless a bottle of Malibu is on the same shopping list, of course)
If his reply is anything other than "What the hell for? Go get me a beer." then what you have on your hands is a man who knows what's about to take place because he has been reading Cosmo also, and that presents a whole other set of problems.
Here's the only guide to oral sex you need. Pay attention:
1) They like it.
2) They want you to do it. Probably a lot.
3) This is a perfectly reasonable substitute for regular sex.
4) They really would like more of this.
5) If you don't want to do this, you can probably distract them with a bottle of beer and a couple of shiny objects. Dangle some car keys in front of them or turn on some type of sporting event. Or a cartoon.
There, that's your list. Five simple points. And I probably could have stopped at two. Because I know better. Cosmo knows better too, but they are in the business of selling magazines, so they have to tell you that there are "20 things you never knew about some x-rated thing or another" or "70 things to try in bed" or "45 ways you know he's into you."
There aren't. Whatever number of things they tell you there are, divide it by 5, and that's your core set of information. And I'm being generous.
I've been onto the Cosmo peoples' tactics for years. Don't con me with "15 things to try in bed tonight", because I read that article six issues ago when you were calling it "10 ways to have a hot night." So don't make up five more things about 'surprising' him with a blindfold and feathers and expect me not to see right through the trickery.
Now once in awhile, they slip you one that's helpful or informative, like "Best Drugstore Cosmetics Under $25", or one that's a little entertaining, like "Supermodels Without Makeup" (I always look at those... "Hey, look, Claudia Schiffer looks like absolute dogcrap first thing in the morning too! Yay!" Kind of makes you realize they are just people like us. It's rather heartwarming!!)
Basicially, the rule - by which I mean MY rule - with Cosmo (or any of these publications, really) is this: Whatever is printed on the cover in the biggest, boldest font is nothing but recycled crap with a new title, and all it's going to tell you is to greet your man at the door wearing nothing but silver slingbacks and holding a Swiffer.
The one in the second biggest font, also recycled, is going to tell you, yet again, about G Spots and where, how, when and why to go looking for them. What they do not tell you is that it's like a hunter trying to shoot an invisible deer 1600 yards away.
The one with the font that's just slightly smaller than the G Spot font is going to give you 4, 6 or 8 "quick tips" for a flat stomach. It's always an even number with the exercise tips. And one of them is always "drink plenty of water". You know what, I'll give you the only tip you'll ever need for a flat stomach... wake the hell up from your dream. We are what we are. Oh, and drink plenty of water.
Now once in awhile, they slip you one that's helpful or informative, like "Best Drugstore Cosmetics Under $25", or one that's a little entertaining, like "Supermodels Without Makeup" (I always look at those... "Hey, look, Claudia Schiffer looks like absolute dogcrap first thing in the morning too! Yay!" Kind of makes you realize they are just people like us. It's rather heartwarming!!)
Basicially, the rule - by which I mean MY rule - with Cosmo (or any of these publications, really) is this: Whatever is printed on the cover in the biggest, boldest font is nothing but recycled crap with a new title, and all it's going to tell you is to greet your man at the door wearing nothing but silver slingbacks and holding a Swiffer.
The one in the second biggest font, also recycled, is going to tell you, yet again, about G Spots and where, how, when and why to go looking for them. What they do not tell you is that it's like a hunter trying to shoot an invisible deer 1600 yards away.
The one with the font that's just slightly smaller than the G Spot font is going to give you 4, 6 or 8 "quick tips" for a flat stomach. It's always an even number with the exercise tips. And one of them is always "drink plenty of water". You know what, I'll give you the only tip you'll ever need for a flat stomach... wake the hell up from your dream. We are what we are. Oh, and drink plenty of water.
But this time, they came up with one that got me to click...
50 Great Things To Do With Your Breasts
And when I read that, I swear, I went like this:
"Whut?"
There are fifty? I can only think of about... three.
And you know good and damn well, if you've ever read even one of my posts, what I'm about to do.
I'm reading them as I go, and obviously for the sake of time and space I'm only going to pick the ones that make me laugh the most. But I can't imagine anyone actually doing at least 48 of these.
Go braless and wear a silk or combed-cotton tee—it'll feel amazing brushing against your skin all day
So, Cosmo, you're suggesting I choose the from two thinnest materials known to man and then go out - "all day", it says - without a bra. Good idea, thank you.
When you're lounging together on the couch reading or watching TV, guide his hand inside your bra and have him lightly scratch your breasts with his fingertips.
Well, then what am *I* supposed to scratch?
Clasp your hands behind your back and pull them away from your body, slowly rotating to the left and right to give the twins a nice stretch.
Stretch? Why, are they about to do yoga? So, boobaerobics, you say. Interesting.
Overheated at the beach? Slip an ice cube out of your drink, and glide it over your cleavage.
At the BEACH? NO!! Sorry, but I have a long-standing rule about not playing with ice and body parts in public. Call me a prude if you must. (Who does that outside of a Sex and the City movie?!)
Dare him to unhook your bra without using his hands.
Right. Most of them can't even do it WITH their hands. But yeah, go ahead and try this one. Report back in 4 hours.
Humid summer weather can trigger boob sweat and clog your girls' pores. Give yourself an exfoliating breast facial.
Now... this one isn't a half bad idea. The only reason I'm including it is to highlight the stupidity of the next one...
When you want to go purse-free, stick your ID and credit card in your cleavage.
I know people do this, I'm not particularly opposed to it. I don't do it because... well I can't. But the fact of the matter is they've just been so kind as to point out my boob-sweat, yet they're telling me to hide stuff in there. Great idea*.
*actually, it's a great idea for people who always want you to hold their stuff for them... "Could you please hang on to my phone, keys, wallet, cigarettes, sunglasses, extra beer cozy, flashlight, jumper cables, folding chair and 4 lighters?"... "No problem. They might be a little moist when you get them back..."
When you're feeling sore around your period, wrap a refrigerated raw lettuce leaf around each breast and hold it there until it wilts
"Look, honey, my breasts can spoil food! Hey, wait, where you going...?"
Re-create a much comfier version of Madonna's infamous cone bra in the bubble bath.
9 out of 10 of you will admit to doing this, and the 10th one is a liar. Don't even...
Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.
You lost me at "glue". Bedazzle your boobies? Try again, Cosmo.Put temporary tattoos of his name around your nipples, and give him a peek when you bend forward in an undone button-up.
His name has 3 letters. I don't have that much room. Thanks for depressing me, Cosmo.
Work silicone bra inserts in a tank top for a day, and keep a tally of all the men who stare at your cleavage.
Anyone else see the same flaw that I see in this one? (god I hope so)
Prop up a mirror next to your bed, lie down on your back with your top half hanging off, and marvel at just how awesome your boobs look from a whole new angle.
I've owned them for years, Cosmo. Pretty much can identify them from all the angles.
For touchable tatas, use this do-it-yourself mask: Mix two egg yolks (a natural skin softener) with one cup of beer. Dab the mix on your breasts, and rinse after 20 minutes.
...your skin will be soft, but you'll smell like a beer-omelette.
Wait a minute... beer-omelette... um... hang on, I'll be right back. O.o
In all seriousness, I don't condone wasting beer, but for the opposite sex what you have here is a nice beer / boob combo, so I might have to call this one a draw.
And finally:
Make a donation to the Breast Cancer Research Foundation in honor of your boobs.
Here is the original article just to prove that I didn't just make all that up, as well as for your own facepalming pleasure...
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