How much do you love infomercials?
If you said you don't, you're either A) lying or B) not paying close enough attention.
Infomercials are better than any reality show, crime drama, sitcom, game show and anything else on television. Except anything on the History Channel. Or The Learning Channel. Ooooh! Or finding a nostalgic movie on TBS... well, ok, I lied, so infomercials aren't better than "anything", but they're right up there.
I don't even know where to begin with this. But you know how it goes... you're up unusually late, or unusually early, and there's nothing much on TV...
BUT WAIT!!
What's this? I don't even care, I want that!!
Isn't that the way goes? Depending on how much sleep you've been robbed of to be up at such an hour, those products seem like the best inventions ever. And if you've been deprived of more than 5 hours of sleep, these shows actually make you angry that you didn't have the idea for that damn thing first!!
But if you're doing what I usually do, then most of the time you're just sitting there in amazement at how stupid that item actually is. Mostly, it's stupid because you know good and damn well that if you had it, and you weren't kidding yourself, you'd use it once. Twice, maybe, but both uses would be within the first week of ownership.
Now, I've never bought anything from those infomercials. Technically. But unfortunately, those products at Walgreens and Target labeled "As Seen On TV" do count. So while I have never actually been compelled enough by one of those infomercials to whip out a credit card and pick up the phone, I can't say I haven't ever bought one of those products. And interestingly, I have actually been known to use a few of them. At present, there is exactly one infomercial product that I've had for years and still use...
The Turbie Twist!
I don't care what y'all think, those things are great.
The other one I would use, if I had one, is the Slap Chop. But really, this one doesn't count, because the only way I know that I would use that is that I already own the Pampered Chef version of it. If I didn't have that, and didn't know how awesome it is, I'd laugh at the Slap Chop.
I kind of wish I did have the Slap Chop, for no other reason than to use that promo photo here in this discourse.
Well, hell, it's MY blog, I'mma use it anyway.
Now of course, you can NOT talk about the Slap Chop, especially with the photo, without mentioning the ...
This one, I actually wanted. But this, I also know, would have sat unused had I ever bought it. And I know this because I came into possession of a box of free knockoff Sham Wows (thanks Woot.com) at one point about 2 years ago. Shammiez, or Shameez or something or another... point being, the box remains unopened.
Wait a minute.
That Sham Wow guy looks a little familiar. I think I have seen him somewhere before.
Aside: Do you ever feel like you've won a small lottery when you flip channels and find the Sham Wow infomercial?
No? Just me? Alright then, moving on...
To fully appreciate the entertainment value in these works of commercial art, you must understand the outline of an infomercial.
Part One: "Tired of...?"
They haven't told you much about their product yet, if even mentioned it at all... first they must convince you that your current product(s) is (are) a huge inconvenience. This is where they show you a chore that you are frequently forced by law to perform, a chore which they are about to point out is worse than scraping barnacles off of the QE2 or polishing the Chrysler Building with a toothbrush. They going to show it to you via black and white footage of someone performing said chore with your current product, all the while describing to you everything that is sinfully wrong with the way you do it and the tragedies that will inevitably occur if you continue along this dangerous path of destruction.
Are you tired of of mopping your floor? All you're really doing is pushing filthy water, dirt and bacteria around your floor...
(insert mandatory cutaways of a dripping wet golden retriever the size of a Toyota racing through the kitchen leaving big mud spots all over, followed immediately by a toddler playing on that same filthy, disgusting tile floor).
Not only is this unsightly, but extremely unsafe! DCFS is going to come and take your children, pets and houseplants away!! If you want to be a better wife and mother...
Then you need...
By this point you have seen the black and white footage of a bedraggled, frustrated lady with a rope mop or a squeeze mop (if you're lucky, they'll show you both!), pushing dark, filthy water around the room, looking upset and confused about how to get all this dirty water up off of the floor.
These little interstitials are the best parts. Basically, they are implying that we're all stupid and incompetent. I couldn't possibly figure out how to get water off my floor, there MUST be a better way!!
Take for example, the famous infomercial for Nads. Ya know, the leg and bikini wax stuff. In trying to explain to you why applying green wax to your leg and ripping off all of your hair, skin, fat and muscle tissue in one move is phenomenally better idea than shaving with a razor, they show you a black and white (over)dramatization of a lady shaving with a razor. She rakes the razor up her leg and to show you that she has just cut herself, she JERKS her whole leg and winces in agony.
Ladies (and some of you men...), we have ALL experienced a razor cut to the leg. Has it ever, at any time, been THAT dramatic?
If you're shaving your legs and you become like that lady in the black and white 'before' clip, then I declare you too retarded to ever hold so much as a baby pacifier, never mind a Venus Embrace. I mean, come on! The absolute worst razor cut I have ever had, I didn't even know happened until 20 minutes later when noticed that I was bleeding onto my flip-flop, for crying out loud. And even the ones you do feel are nothing. Now, keep in mind that this comes to you from the biggest whiner complainer (not to mention klutz) with no tolerance for pain that you've ever met. If even I can keep from performing accidental surgery on my leg with a Lady Gillette, I'm pretty sure the rest of you are safe.
Now, for all of you lazy chefs out there, there are no less than 44,826 kitchen gadgets and gizmos for sale on television to make your life easier.
Don't want to bother putting your grub in the oven, in a crock pot or in a frying pan? No time for preparing a meal?
You need the
It's the NuWave Infrared Oven! That's right I said INFRARED OVEN!!
It's true!! Now the very same technology used for remote controls, night vision goggles and de-icing airplanes is available RIGHT IN YOUR KITCHEN!!
One of the worst things in this particular commercial are the "satisfied consumers" that they have talking about the NuWave Oven. One of them was a Chef!! A chef! And it showed said chef in the kitchen of his restaurant, cooking food in this contraption.
This shows you just how dumb they believe we are. A chef is not going to be in a restaurant kitchen cooking up your Beef with Béarnaise Sauce with a glorified Easy Bake oven. And if he is, I'm definitely not eating at that restaurant.
Bullshit sales pitch aside, if you really dissect these kitchen gizmo commercials, they're about the best entertainment you can find. The black and white cutaways in this specific brand of culinary advertising are the best of the bunch (be careful, sometimes they slip one in that's in color just to mess with you). You are shown a multitude of problems experienced by people who don't own the gizmo in question, but you're guaranteed to see the following two, at minimum.
1) The Sloppy Cook. This is the person who can't handle a spaghetti dinner without having it all over the walls and tries to boil up a 12 pound ham in a 1 quart saucepot.
2) Crowded Cabinet Lady. You know her. She's the one who opens her kitchen cabinet and an avalanche of blenders, choppers, slicers, dicers, toasters, dehydrators, mixers and George Foreman Grills (and remind me to circle back to the subject of THIS piece of shit) comes crashing down on her.
They want to show you that you NEED this item so you can avoid all of the peril that you are most sure to encounter without it... just like the Nads people.
But the kitchen gizmo people are pulling a magic trick on you like you wouldn't believe.
This is the next part of the infomercial outline...
Part Two: Hook, Line and Sinker
The various perks and benefits to get you to call RIGHT NOW and order the thing. The tactic they use is, of course, the most obvious way to get you to buy something, by making you an "offer you can't refuse"... but there's a hole in this the size of Jupiter that I've never heard or seen anyone even mention before. I hope I'm the first person to notice it! I've always wanted to be the first to expose a fraud or an injustice! Someone always beats me to it.
But here it is, and hopefully you heard it here first. Go back to Crowded Cabinet Lady. All this shit falls out of her cabinet because she has no room for her 226 different gadgets, and all of her problems would be solved if she had just the ONE gadget that they're trying to sell you, right?
Right!
And how to they reel you into buying their one gadget? You know the answer... say it with me now....
They offer you... MORE GADGETS!
LOOK!!
Seems that when you order this Easy Bake Oven for Grownups, you also get a Party Mixer, a NuWave Twister and a Pizza Kit!!
Hot damn!!
If you call in the next 30 minutes, they will send you a SECOND NuWAVE OVEN!
So, on to the question I ask every time... What in hell for?!
They've just finished telling me how unacceptable it is that everything but the Luftwaffe flies out of the cabinet every time I open the door, and I should have their ONE all-purpose gizmo to avoid such conditions. So they now want to send me TWO of their gizmo, plus additional bonus gizmos. Their solution to freeing up space in my cabinet is to send me more shit?
I was really let down by that. The exuberance with which the guy yelled "HOLD EVERYTHING" had my hopes way up high, and all he offered me was a second NuWave Oven. And not only that, then the bastard told me I had to pay separate shipping on a 2nd oven that I didn't even want to begin with. Another magic trick!
I wish I could write about every ridiculous product, but it would have to be a running series, like "Anatomy of a Crappy Song" (which is long overdue for another installment, I think...). There are just too darn many craptastic infomercials and stupid products. Who is honestly buying this stuff?
I want to meet the individual that paid $12. 95 for the Lint Wizard Pro. ("Pro"?) And I want to tell that person to run down to FedEx Kinkos and grab a pile of those sticky-backed airbill pouches. They work 500 times better than that befrigged Lint Wizard, I guarandamntee you that. Oh... 'scuse me... Lint Wizard Pro.
I also want to meet the Special Ed who bought this one:
*blink* *stare*
"Tired of making a complete mess and burning yourself when making pasta?"
I'm just going to come out and say it.... first, if you are burning yourself and making a 'complete mess' while making pasta often enough to become tired of doing so, you need to be locked up, end of story. Second, if you are that lazy, or that much of a derp that you need a special pasta gizmo to help you make pasta, you again, have no business in or near a kitchen.
Step 1) Fill pot with water.
Step 2) Place pot on range and turn burner on. Preferably on high.
Step 3) Boil the god dang water.
Step 4) Insert pasta
Almost as ridiculous as all the kitchen accessories... the clothing, Oh my god. "Pajama Jeans" (dude, what?), the "Ah Bra", the "Booty Pop" (go look that one up yourself, I'm not even getting into it, and I do mean that literally), the "Slim T", and my favorite, "The Perfect Button"
"This set of buttons let you extend the size and life of your favorite pants for years. Tired of not being able to fit into those jeans you've had for more than five years? Don't worry just attach the perfect fit button that matches your button color and increase the waist size of the pants."
Um. If you haven't been able to fit into them in five years, a new button is not going to fix that.
And just to show you that you really can buy ANYTHING "as seen on TV"...
How come he's $0.00? Ohhhhh wait. I bet I know. O.o Anyway...
I clicked "add to cart" just to see what would happen!!
My Billy Mays will arrive within 14 business days, and I also received a second Billy Mays free. All I had to do was pay separate shipping.
Ok, ok.... this is really what happened when I clicked add to cart... I was taken to this page...
New arrivals? Shouldn't this be on the clearance tab?
*crickets*
I know. That was.... um... yeah.
I'll leave you with a filthy secret, just to show I can take it as much as I can dish it.
*inhale* *exhale*
Yes, I own.... the Scunci Steamer. http://www.scunci-steam-cleaner.com/
And honestly, I wish I would have waited for the Shark Steamer because I would have gotten the steam mop thingy free with my purchase!! Now it's its own entity and no longer comes with the Shark Steamer!
If you said you don't, you're either A) lying or B) not paying close enough attention.
Infomercials are better than any reality show, crime drama, sitcom, game show and anything else on television. Except anything on the History Channel. Or The Learning Channel. Ooooh! Or finding a nostalgic movie on TBS... well, ok, I lied, so infomercials aren't better than "anything", but they're right up there.
I don't even know where to begin with this. But you know how it goes... you're up unusually late, or unusually early, and there's nothing much on TV...
BUT WAIT!!
What's this? I don't even care, I want that!!
Isn't that the way goes? Depending on how much sleep you've been robbed of to be up at such an hour, those products seem like the best inventions ever. And if you've been deprived of more than 5 hours of sleep, these shows actually make you angry that you didn't have the idea for that damn thing first!!
But if you're doing what I usually do, then most of the time you're just sitting there in amazement at how stupid that item actually is. Mostly, it's stupid because you know good and damn well that if you had it, and you weren't kidding yourself, you'd use it once. Twice, maybe, but both uses would be within the first week of ownership.
Now, I've never bought anything from those infomercials. Technically. But unfortunately, those products at Walgreens and Target labeled "As Seen On TV" do count. So while I have never actually been compelled enough by one of those infomercials to whip out a credit card and pick up the phone, I can't say I haven't ever bought one of those products. And interestingly, I have actually been known to use a few of them. At present, there is exactly one infomercial product that I've had for years and still use...
The Turbie Twist!
I don't care what y'all think, those things are great.
The other one I would use, if I had one, is the Slap Chop. But really, this one doesn't count, because the only way I know that I would use that is that I already own the Pampered Chef version of it. If I didn't have that, and didn't know how awesome it is, I'd laugh at the Slap Chop.
I kind of wish I did have the Slap Chop, for no other reason than to use that promo photo here in this discourse.
Well, hell, it's MY blog, I'mma use it anyway.
Now of course, you can NOT talk about the Slap Chop, especially with the photo, without mentioning the ...
SHAM WOW!
This one, I actually wanted. But this, I also know, would have sat unused had I ever bought it. And I know this because I came into possession of a box of free knockoff Sham Wows (thanks Woot.com) at one point about 2 years ago. Shammiez, or Shameez or something or another... point being, the box remains unopened.
Wait a minute.
That Sham Wow guy looks a little familiar. I think I have seen him somewhere before.
Aside: Do you ever feel like you've won a small lottery when you flip channels and find the Sham Wow infomercial?
No? Just me? Alright then, moving on...
To fully appreciate the entertainment value in these works of commercial art, you must understand the outline of an infomercial.
Part One: "Tired of...?"
They haven't told you much about their product yet, if even mentioned it at all... first they must convince you that your current product(s) is (are) a huge inconvenience. This is where they show you a chore that you are frequently forced by law to perform, a chore which they are about to point out is worse than scraping barnacles off of the QE2 or polishing the Chrysler Building with a toothbrush. They going to show it to you via black and white footage of someone performing said chore with your current product, all the while describing to you everything that is sinfully wrong with the way you do it and the tragedies that will inevitably occur if you continue along this dangerous path of destruction.
Are you tired of of mopping your floor? All you're really doing is pushing filthy water, dirt and bacteria around your floor...
(insert mandatory cutaways of a dripping wet golden retriever the size of a Toyota racing through the kitchen leaving big mud spots all over, followed immediately by a toddler playing on that same filthy, disgusting tile floor).
Not only is this unsightly, but extremely unsafe! DCFS is going to come and take your children, pets and houseplants away!! If you want to be a better wife and mother...
Then you need...
By this point you have seen the black and white footage of a bedraggled, frustrated lady with a rope mop or a squeeze mop (if you're lucky, they'll show you both!), pushing dark, filthy water around the room, looking upset and confused about how to get all this dirty water up off of the floor.
These little interstitials are the best parts. Basically, they are implying that we're all stupid and incompetent. I couldn't possibly figure out how to get water off my floor, there MUST be a better way!!
Take for example, the famous infomercial for Nads. Ya know, the leg and bikini wax stuff. In trying to explain to you why applying green wax to your leg and ripping off all of your hair, skin, fat and muscle tissue in one move is phenomenally better idea than shaving with a razor, they show you a black and white (over)dramatization of a lady shaving with a razor. She rakes the razor up her leg and to show you that she has just cut herself, she JERKS her whole leg and winces in agony.
Ladies (and some of you men...), we have ALL experienced a razor cut to the leg. Has it ever, at any time, been THAT dramatic?
If you're shaving your legs and you become like that lady in the black and white 'before' clip, then I declare you too retarded to ever hold so much as a baby pacifier, never mind a Venus Embrace. I mean, come on! The absolute worst razor cut I have ever had, I didn't even know happened until 20 minutes later when noticed that I was bleeding onto my flip-flop, for crying out loud. And even the ones you do feel are nothing. Now, keep in mind that this comes to you from the biggest whiner complainer (not to mention klutz) with no tolerance for pain that you've ever met. If even I can keep from performing accidental surgery on my leg with a Lady Gillette, I'm pretty sure the rest of you are safe.
Now, for all of you lazy chefs out there, there are no less than 44,826 kitchen gadgets and gizmos for sale on television to make your life easier.
Don't want to bother putting your grub in the oven, in a crock pot or in a frying pan? No time for preparing a meal?
You need the
It's the NuWave Infrared Oven! That's right I said INFRARED OVEN!!
It's true!! Now the very same technology used for remote controls, night vision goggles and de-icing airplanes is available RIGHT IN YOUR KITCHEN!!
One of the worst things in this particular commercial are the "satisfied consumers" that they have talking about the NuWave Oven. One of them was a Chef!! A chef! And it showed said chef in the kitchen of his restaurant, cooking food in this contraption.
This shows you just how dumb they believe we are. A chef is not going to be in a restaurant kitchen cooking up your Beef with Béarnaise Sauce with a glorified Easy Bake oven. And if he is, I'm definitely not eating at that restaurant.
Bullshit sales pitch aside, if you really dissect these kitchen gizmo commercials, they're about the best entertainment you can find. The black and white cutaways in this specific brand of culinary advertising are the best of the bunch (be careful, sometimes they slip one in that's in color just to mess with you). You are shown a multitude of problems experienced by people who don't own the gizmo in question, but you're guaranteed to see the following two, at minimum.
1) The Sloppy Cook. This is the person who can't handle a spaghetti dinner without having it all over the walls and tries to boil up a 12 pound ham in a 1 quart saucepot.
2) Crowded Cabinet Lady. You know her. She's the one who opens her kitchen cabinet and an avalanche of blenders, choppers, slicers, dicers, toasters, dehydrators, mixers and George Foreman Grills (and remind me to circle back to the subject of THIS piece of shit) comes crashing down on her.
They want to show you that you NEED this item so you can avoid all of the peril that you are most sure to encounter without it... just like the Nads people.
But the kitchen gizmo people are pulling a magic trick on you like you wouldn't believe.
This is the next part of the infomercial outline...
Part Two: Hook, Line and Sinker
The various perks and benefits to get you to call RIGHT NOW and order the thing. The tactic they use is, of course, the most obvious way to get you to buy something, by making you an "offer you can't refuse"... but there's a hole in this the size of Jupiter that I've never heard or seen anyone even mention before. I hope I'm the first person to notice it! I've always wanted to be the first to expose a fraud or an injustice! Someone always beats me to it.
But here it is, and hopefully you heard it here first. Go back to Crowded Cabinet Lady. All this shit falls out of her cabinet because she has no room for her 226 different gadgets, and all of her problems would be solved if she had just the ONE gadget that they're trying to sell you, right?
Right!
And how to they reel you into buying their one gadget? You know the answer... say it with me now....
They offer you... MORE GADGETS!
LOOK!!
Seems that when you order this Easy Bake Oven for Grownups, you also get a Party Mixer, a NuWave Twister and a Pizza Kit!!
Hot damn!!
BUT HOLD EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!
If you call in the next 30 minutes, they will send you a SECOND NuWAVE OVEN!
So, on to the question I ask every time... What in hell for?!
They've just finished telling me how unacceptable it is that everything but the Luftwaffe flies out of the cabinet every time I open the door, and I should have their ONE all-purpose gizmo to avoid such conditions. So they now want to send me TWO of their gizmo, plus additional bonus gizmos. Their solution to freeing up space in my cabinet is to send me more shit?
I was really let down by that. The exuberance with which the guy yelled "HOLD EVERYTHING" had my hopes way up high, and all he offered me was a second NuWave Oven. And not only that, then the bastard told me I had to pay separate shipping on a 2nd oven that I didn't even want to begin with. Another magic trick!
I wish I could write about every ridiculous product, but it would have to be a running series, like "Anatomy of a Crappy Song" (which is long overdue for another installment, I think...). There are just too darn many craptastic infomercials and stupid products. Who is honestly buying this stuff?
I want to meet the individual that paid $12. 95 for the Lint Wizard Pro. ("Pro"?) And I want to tell that person to run down to FedEx Kinkos and grab a pile of those sticky-backed airbill pouches. They work 500 times better than that befrigged Lint Wizard, I guarandamntee you that. Oh... 'scuse me... Lint Wizard Pro.
I also want to meet the Special Ed who bought this one:
*blink* *stare*
"Tired of making a complete mess and burning yourself when making pasta?"
I'm just going to come out and say it.... first, if you are burning yourself and making a 'complete mess' while making pasta often enough to become tired of doing so, you need to be locked up, end of story. Second, if you are that lazy, or that much of a derp that you need a special pasta gizmo to help you make pasta, you again, have no business in or near a kitchen.
Step 1) Fill pot with water.
Step 2) Place pot on range and turn burner on. Preferably on high.
Step 3) Boil the god dang water.
Step 4) Insert pasta
Almost as ridiculous as all the kitchen accessories... the clothing, Oh my god. "Pajama Jeans" (dude, what?), the "Ah Bra", the "Booty Pop" (go look that one up yourself, I'm not even getting into it, and I do mean that literally), the "Slim T", and my favorite, "The Perfect Button"
"This set of buttons let you extend the size and life of your favorite pants for years. Tired of not being able to fit into those jeans you've had for more than five years? Don't worry just attach the perfect fit button that matches your button color and increase the waist size of the pants."
Um. If you haven't been able to fit into them in five years, a new button is not going to fix that.
And just to show you that you really can buy ANYTHING "as seen on TV"...
How come he's $0.00? Ohhhhh wait. I bet I know. O.o Anyway...
I clicked "add to cart" just to see what would happen!!
My Billy Mays will arrive within 14 business days, and I also received a second Billy Mays free. All I had to do was pay separate shipping.
Ok, ok.... this is really what happened when I clicked add to cart... I was taken to this page...
New arrivals? Shouldn't this be on the clearance tab?
*crickets*
I know. That was.... um... yeah.
I'll leave you with a filthy secret, just to show I can take it as much as I can dish it.
*inhale* *exhale*
Yes, I own.... the Scunci Steamer. http://www.scunci-steam-cleaner.com/
And honestly, I wish I would have waited for the Shark Steamer because I would have gotten the steam mop thingy free with my purchase!! Now it's its own entity and no longer comes with the Shark Steamer!
Very nice blog, Jim and I are peeing ourselves laughing! I must have missed the link for this one on fb. Currently, I own a couple of Infomercial type items....
ReplyDeleteTurbie Twists, I currently own 3 of them plus the two old schooly types that are just small thirsty hair towels. They're all awesome!!
Moving Men furniture movers, I cannot live without this item. Simply cannot live without them!!
Point n' Paint: Given how much I love to paint, I gave it a try. Waste of time.
I own a george foreman grill, they work quite well and double as a very nice Panini press. Next one I buy will have the removable dishwasher safe plates!
I did once buy this gizmo that you could make scrambled eggs right inside their shells....I was just tired of the mess I made when cracking eggs and I would miss the bowl EVERY TIME! (not....I bought it off a clearance rack actually) Yeah, it was stupid and didn't work.
My only actual "bought off tv" one was the Susan Powter "stop the insanity" kit somewhere around 1993, and I still use the cook book and the exercise tapes to this day, so I guess it was worth the $50 or whatever because you can't get that stuff anymore, not even on ebay!