Anatomy of a Crappy Song CHALLENGE!

First ever song dissection challenge!

I've received a challenge to apply my own special way of breaking down songs and slicing and dicing among its lyrical nougatty center for the crap that lies within.

The challenge comes from my friend CJ, who happens to be one of two people in my life who needs to wear a tinfoil hat when dealing with me because the number of times we've said or thought the same things at the same time, or had the same idea, or made the same joke are just too numerous to be coincidence.

So the challenge was to tear apart the same song and compare.

I've not read hers and won't be able to until I post it too. I'm unsure if I can link to hers so y'all can compare, I'd need permission for that... but in the least, I'll report back. Chances are she will win the challenge. She's funnier than I am by far.

The challenge song is "Before He Cheats" by Carrie Underwood.

Now, all I know about Carrie Underwood is that she was on American Idol and that I like to call her Carrie Underwear. I had to look up the song on YouTube....

... and I did not like it.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vSG4Cml7HXs

I'm not too big a fan of country music anyway, but really, that doesn't seem to be impacting my dislike of this song that much. I found enough problems with it that the genre doesn't even matter to me.

"Before He Cheats" - Carrie Underwear- er... Underwood*.


Right now he's probably slow dancing

Stop. He's "probably" slow dancing? Probably?

Ok, right away we have a jealous woman who doesn't actually know what her guy is doing, so she's sitting around assuming the worst. You know what happens when we ASSUME, don't you Carrie?

With a bleached-blond tramp

This isn't even funny. This is just annoying. This is where the stereotype of women always being catty jealous bitches comes from. Carrie, you are not helping the female cause very much here.

Because a ficticious woman is fooling around with your guy in YOUR imagination, she's a bleached-blonde tramp?

Maybe she's a fat brunette virgin law student? And maybe your guy is out with her instead of you because you're a catty jealous bitch? Look into that and get back to me.

And she's probably getting frisky
Right now, he's probably buying
Her some fruity little drink'
Cause she can't shoot whiskey

Frisky and whiskey?

This is why I don't listen to country.

Right now, he's probably up behind her
With a pool stick

Ha ha, YEAH he is!! A-how-how-howwwww!

Showing her how to shoot a combo
And he don't know

I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat

Now I see the problem. You jacked up the guy's car and you left your name in the damage? And you think "he don't know"? Unless he never learned to read... he does know.

You dumb shit! No wonder he's out with another girl!


I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats


And maybe he will also have your American Idol ass arrested since he will know exactly who vandalized his vehicle.

Right now, she's probably up singing some
White-trash version of Shania karaoke

Yeah. Or maybe a white-trash version of this piece of lyrical poop.

What a bitch. This isn't country music, this is cuntry music.

(oh yeah. I went there.)

Right now, she's probably saying, "I'm drunk"
And he's a thinking that he's gonna get lucky

He probably IS gonna get lucky. Know why? He got to make an insurance claim and got a brand new sweet ride because you destoyed his old one, and now he's getting under more women than a maxi pad!

Right now,
he's probably dabbing on 3 dollars
Worth of that bathroom Polo

Huh? Ralph Lauren makes Polo. Hardly a 3 dollar item. What is "bathroom Polo"? Cheap-ass generic Polo? Then it wouldn't be "Polo". Dur.

Oh and he don't know

Yes he does!! He read your name carved in the seat!

(didn't this theme surface in "MmmBop", too? Why do they always think we don't know things that can easily be read in places?)

That I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little souped-up 4 wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seat

See! The seat says "Carrie"! He knows!


I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights
Slashed a hole in all 4 tires
And maybe next time he'll think before he cheats

Maybe next time he'll think before he leaves his car unlocked.

I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl
'Cause the next time that he cheats
Oh, you know it won't be on me!

No, but I bet the next time he pours sugar in someone's gas tank, it will be yours.

Yous a crazy ho.


(she didn't write this piece of crap... only sings it... but it doesn't work if I can't yell at the singer)


I hope this came off well. Not bad for 1) a song I've never heard before today and 2) an off the cuff "let's see what I can do with it" shot in the dark. Next challenge? Happy to take requests. LOL!

Anatomy of a Crappy Song 5: "MMMbop"

Yes. #2 and 3 are still missing. All one of my readers already read them, so they can wait.

I have a problem. The other day on the radio, I heard the most crappingly awful song ever and it's still in my head, so I'm taking all of my frustration out on you people foor no good reason by writing about it so that you all will get this shit stuck in your heads too.

In the summer of 1997, we were inflicted with one of the most awful songs ever (unless you count "Rollercoaster Baby" by one Jon Leonard Friga, aka Jon Cain, aka "This guy helped write "Don't Stop Believin'"? You're friggin' kidding me?!").

That's right. "MMMBop" by Hanson.

Is it "MMMBop" or "MmmBop"?

"Mmm Bop"? "Mmmbop"?

Anyway... what's the problem I have, you ask? This song is super shitty, but by golly, it's catchy! You almost couldn't help enjoy it for a minute! The other problem? You couldn't so much as blink without hearing this crummy piece of musical feces coming from one direction or another.

Guitarist Isaac Hanson, then 16, drummer Zac Hanson, then 11 and their sister, keyboardist and lead singer, Taylor Hanson, then 13... very cute little pop act, and man, that little Zac could pound on those drums! I wish I had talent like tha-

What?

Taylor is a boy?

Hmm. Well, I'll be.

Alright. Well, I did some research...

"MMMBop" was one of the biggest debut singles of all time; it reached number one in 27 countries, including the United States, the UK, Germany and Austrailia; in the UK, the song sold 710,000 copies and stayed at number one for 3 weeks. It was voted the best single of the year in The Village Voice Pazz & Jop critics poll, while also topping critics' polls from such media as Rolling Stone, Spin and VH1. "MMMBop" was nominated for two Grammys at the 40th Annual Grammy Awards in February 1998. It was the band's most successful single to date; MMMBop also ranks #20 on VH1's "100 Greatest Songs of the 90s."

Seriously?

TWO Grammys? Ok, well, at least it didn't win.

Let's try to find out why.

"MMMBop" - Hanson


Oh oh oh oh oh
Yeah

You have so many relationships in this life
Only one or two will last
You go through all the pain and strife

Hold on, Hometown. You're 13. What "pain and strife"?
Well, people thought you were a girl, that had to suck, I'll give you that one...
But you kind of asked for it with that hair.

Pain and strife? You lost your extra Sega Genesis controller?


Then you turn your back and they're gone so fast
Oh yeah...And they're gone so fast, yeah

So hold on the ones who really care
In the end they'll be the only ones there
And when you get old and start losing your hair

You're 13!! This isn't going to be a problem for a good 35 years or more.
Dude... worry about wet dreams and Geometry class first.

Tell me who will still care
Can you tell me who will still care?

Your shrink will, because he's going to drive one hell of a sweet car thanks to your prematurely developed neuroses about losing your hair and getting old. Go eat an Oreo and relax a minute.

Oh oh, who'll caaaaa-aaare

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du

I don't really think that's exactly what they're singing, but you know what, after the 17,000th time, it doesn't even matter anymore.

Yeah Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du....Yeah

Oh yeah...In an Mmmbop they're gone

"In an Mmmbop"? Alright, I'm pretty good at using context to firgure out meanings, so an mmmbop is like a 'blink' or a 'flash'? "In a flash they're gone"?

Yeah yeah

Oh. Ok cool, thanks, Taylor.

Plant a seed, plant a flower, plant a rose

Not helping the girlie thing, Taylor. Not helping.

You can plant any one of those
Keep planting to find out which one grows

That seems like it would take a ridiculously long time.
Can't I just read the seed packet?

It's a secret no one knows
It's a secret no one knows
Oh ohhhh, no one know-ooows

*I* know. I read the packet.
It was a hydrangea. You guys were way off.


Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, ba duba dop
Ba du, yeah

Mmmboppa dopp dop doodie doo dip dop dooba dop da doooo.
Skibbity bip dibbity doop deep boop bebop de diddle dup dup BEEP.

Mmmbop, ba duba dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du bop, Ba du dop
Ba du, yeah

Yertlety turtlety tip top be bop boing boing bip.

I can write nonsensical shit too!
Where's MY goddamn Grammy nommy nom nom dee doop... oh crap. I'm stuck.


In an mmmbop they're gone
In an mmm bop they're not there
In an mmmbop they're gone
In an mmm bop they're not there

(repeat for about 2 straight minutes...)

Can you tell me? oh No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can you tell me? oh You say you can but you don't know
Can you tell me? oh (Which flower's going to grow?)

Read the packet!!

No you can't 'cause you don't know

Yes I do!!

Can you tell me? oh (If it's going to be a daisy or a rose?)
You say you can but you don't know
Can you tell me? oh (which flower's going to grow?)
No you can't 'cause you don't know
Can you tell me? oh (You say you can but you don't know

(repeat 628 x, then add another 412 "mmmbops" and repeat to fade)

May you all have this sheepshit stuck in head for the next 3 days like I have. Good day.

A Really Serious Issue

You know, this really is not easy, and I've kept this quiet for a number of years but this is something I can no longer keep-

MTV Video Music Awards 2009

Ah, the good old MTV Video Music Awards.

Right off the bat, I'll state that it has been years since I took any real interest in this kind of stuff. I will usually watch the MTV Movie Awards, because I'm certainly more up on movies and actors than I am on current "music".

But this time around, they planned this tribute to Michael Jackson, and Janet Jackson was the performer. I've been a fan of both Jacksons since the 80s, so I chose to watch.

I was slightly let down by the tribute. All that time that Madonna spent rambling on about going out to dinner with Mike and what a great guy he was could have been better spent on a more elaborate musical number, specifically a dance routine. One thing about Michael's videos and stage performances that I've always loved were the dance sequences. More MJ style dancing, less Madonna. That's how I roll.

No details were given in advance about the tribute or about Janet's performance, but I somehow assumed that Janet would be performing a few of Michael's songs and that the involvement of the dancers from what would have been the "This Is It" tour meant that the dance numbers from said songs would be recreated.

I was partly right. The dance numbers included the original music with the videos playing on a giant screen behind the dancers.

The musical number, of course, began with the famous "Thriller" sequence, and they did this thing that I thought came out looking really cool where a 2nd sort of 'ghost' image of Michael would flash (I didn't want to use that word, but... well... ya know)... behold:

The dancers were spot on in time with the dance sequences playing behind them, so it ended up looking really cool.

Well... except for the dancer who experienced a fail...

Hey, Smooth Criminal Dancer... you're doing it wrong. You're supposed to be doing one of Michael's most famous moves, theeeee signature move in the "Smooth Criminal" dance sequence. It's the anti-gravity lean, not the pretending-I'm-at-the-proctologist lean.

How did he earn a front-spot?


For Janet's (Ms. Jackson if you're nasty) part, the video for Janet and Michael's song "Scream" played behind her and the dancers. Janet had been removed from the video so that it would appear that only Michael was on the screen, doing the exact moves as Janet did live. Well, really it's the other way around, but you get my general drift.

Neat trick though. It came off really well, but I'm concered about the end, when the music ended and applause commenced. Why did Janet look like this:

Personally, I think she was scowling at those two maniacs, Jermaine and Papa Joe, who were sitting in front. What were they even doing there? Oh right, there were TV cameras.

The only other possibility I can think of is that maybe Jimmy Fallon yelled "Janet! Show us the other tit!"

Speaking of unexpected boobs showing up, almost right away, chaos broke out at the 2009 VMAs. I'm referrring, of course, to the much talked about douchebaggery of Kanye West, who interrupted Taylor Swift's acceptance of her very first VMA award (and the first award of the night) for Best Female Video to announce that he would have much preferred that Beyonce had won.

I'm no kind of Kanye fan to start with and this incident further demonstrates why. This piece of shit marched onto the stage while this girl was talking, took the microphone out of her hand, told her "I'mma let'choo finish", and proceeded to say that Beyonce was the one who had the best video. He gave Taylor the mic back, but because of Kanye's ridiculous and unexpected display of assholeness, the mic had been cut off. Taylor tried to finish, could not be heard, and finally gave up, strolling sadly off of the stage.

There is a really special place in hell for people like Kanye West. In fact, after last night, they have renamed this special place "Kanye's Korner".

Moving on.

Lady Gaga... what the hell?

Seriously?

The first "outfit" that Gaga showed up in, with the mask and matching neck brace (neck brace? WHAT for?) was just stupid.

She arrived to the red carpet that way. She couldn't move her neck, so she kept turning her whole upper body every time she wanted to make out with Kermit the Frog. Yeah. That's right. That sentence is supposed to say that.

Kermit, for real, you can do better.

I wanted to include a picture of Gaga and the handsomely tuxedoed Frog but I can't seem to find one. What I did find was an explanation of a joke I didn't originally understand. Kermit told Gaga that he was glad to see that she wasn't wearing a dress made out of his friends.

He was referring to this:

Alright, let's pause for review.

I thought it was weird that time that Bjork wore this:

...or the time that Jennifer Ho-pez presented her (w)hole business plan at the Grammys...

... but I gotta give Gaga the win on this one. A Kermit the Frog suit is hard to top.


About halfway through the VMAs, Lady Gaga was, apparently, put into the Witness Protection Program...

Unfortunately, she accepted an award dressed this way and her cover was blown when she spoke, so she needed to be quickly redisguised as a bird's nest...

So, Madonna, Janet Jackson, Beyonce... yep, that's about it as far as people I've heard of at this shindig. I don't watch MTV and I don't really listen to top 40 radio anymore, so I felt like an old person watching this program. At nearly every name they announced I said, "Who?" Not only that, but they're all about 19 years old and they suck.

I was pleased when Beyonce recovered some of the lost dignity that Kanye created by inviting Taylor Swift to finish her speech during what would have been Beyonce's acceptance of the Video of the Year award. I sort made that call just before it happened... I said something like it would be very cool if Beyonce won and invited Taylor Swift to have some of her stolen moment back, and it turns out that Beyonce is just as smart and classy as me *snerk* because she had the same idea. Very well played, Be-ouncy.

Overall, a ho-hum VMA show. A few highlights, most kind of boring to those of us who don't know who Muse is, and of course, token controversy, this time in the form of Kuntye West.

Maybe next year, when they find Michael hanging around with Elvis, they'll get him to open the show and he can do the anti-gravity move the right way. Until then, I don't have to pay attention to MTV for another year.

Social Networking - Friend or Foe?

As a child of the mid-to-late 70s and 80s, and as a "late in life" baby whose parents remembered a bit farther back than most of my friends' parents, I grew up hearing about the things I was lucky enough to enjoy that they did not have. My mother told me (many times) about how she used to go home from school at lunchtime and listen to programs like Guiding Light on the radio.

This usually resulted from my sulking around the house complaining that there was nothing on tv and endless whining about wanting cable television because having 6 channels was simply unacceptable.

But the circle of life continues, and I now find myself thinking the same things about the technology that is available today. Sometimes I even long for the good ol' days when we didn't have certain things available because lately I'm finding that technology brings just as many problems as it does joys and conveniences.

As a kid, I was constantly harassed about my telephone use. I used to lay on floor in the dining room, next to the desk (which was never used for anything) because the cord on the rotary phone did not go very far, and talk to my friends. And there always seemed to be a problem about this.

"Will you keep it down?! I can hear you all over the house!"

"Get off that phone, you've been on it for 40 minutes!"

"You JUST saw her at school! Hang up!"

In them there days, ya see, we had three options to communicate with family and friends...

1) get up off your butt and go see them
2) talk on the phone (and pay for it - no free nights and weekends back in my day)
3) send a letter (a real one, with paper and a stamp and everything)

These days, we neither have to leave the house nor so much as open our mouths to see or speak to people, thanks to technology. Text messaging, email, instant message, web cameras, picture messaging and social networking sites are, in some ways, convenient and beneficial. But in so many other ways, these things can be an epic nightmare.

Sites like Facebook have many advantages. Finding old friends, keeping in touch with friends and family you don't get to see often or live far away, entertainment (I play Bejeweled and FarmVille to decompress myself after a long day!), and the ability to instantly communicate with the people in your world.


But what happens when there are people you don't want in your world? It's easy to ignore text messages and emails and privatize your social network accounts, but determined people will nearly always find a way. I've had situations where I didn't necessarily wish to chat at certain moments and later been accused of "avoiding".

"Well, I know you were online, I saw you post on Facebook...." Needy much? Chill your ass out, hometown, I was watching "A Time To Kill" on TBS and eating a blue Flav-R-Ice, not hiding in a tornado cellar waiting for you to die so I wouldn't have to talk to you. Jiminey christmas!

So that's been one of my problems with technology and easy accessibility. The stalkers.

So, the solution is easy, right? Privatize everything. It's like locking your house or car to prevent theft. Keep out those you don't want in. But just as with robbers, they will always find a way. You literally have to avoid posting anything, anywhere, at any time to avoid the nosy stalkers. "Well, if you don't want people to know what you're doing, then that's the way it is..."

Well, wrong. Why should I have to bow out of something that I wish to participate in just because some people have nothing better to do with their time or life than to snoop around at what everyone else is doing, and who is posting and at what time? As I see it, I'm not the one with the problem in this scenario.

Where is this all coming from? Well, not long ago I discovered someone I knew once upon a time stalking a friend of mine. I call it stalking because this individual is A) known for being nosy and B) does not even know my friend, and I see no reason the person in question needs to be looking at my friend's social sites to see what she's doing, or find things out about her, or whatever the reason is.

Random clicking? "Hey, what's this, looks interesting..." Sure, no problem, we all do that from time to time. But that isn't the case here.

Not long after, I found the same thing with my own social sites. I mean really... it's just pathetic. It's like the ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend stalking that people do. Ok, so we decide that we can't get along, we don't want to really be around each other, but you're going to poke around all my social sites (and lord knows what else) long after the fact to look at what I'm up to and who is in my life, and then when you see who is in my life, you're going to investigate them too?

Granted, I'm not surprised, coming as this does from a person who admitted to me many times how they were looking at this or that person's site and found out such and such, and how they were able to hack into their significant others' social sites and email accounts, etc. I found this individual not only looking in at what I'm posting (as recently as a week ago), but also looking at what my ex is up to and what he posts (and then having conversations about it behind my back - nice, right?) and what my friends are up to. It's sick.


Am I surprised? No. Do I actually care? Not really. It's disrespectful and I have one way of dealing with that level of disrespect - you're done, end of story. But those of you who know me know that psychology and human behavior is an interest of mine. I just wonder what fuels this obsessiveness? Boredom? Attention? Inability to function without constant drama encircling them? Just plain nosy as all shit? All of the above?

The other part of this that has bugged me recently is celebrity stalking. It was the same pricipal as what I just described, only the target was an out of the spotlight celeb. This past weekend, I got into a heated debate with one of these people. The long and short of that was this random obsessive person tracking a certain star all over creation via sites like Facebook, Twitter, etc. By tracking I do not mean reading articles and such about said star. I mean literally messaging people who might have info, who might have seen the person at the mall or whatever, running twitter searches for any mention of the person... jumping on it right away when someone posted a status that mentioned having randomly seen this star at a public place... it's just weird. As I read the account of this, I was nauseous. What compels a person to become that hard core obsessed with a complete stranger?

I mean, I'm a fan of many celebs... I'll be at Johnny Depp's next movie in two seconds because he's a wonderful actor and I enjoy his work (and he's hot!) But I couldn't have any less interest in what shoe size he wears, what his favorite Fibonacci number is, or where he was seen having dinner last Wednesday.

I think for the most part, these types of sites are used (by the normal folk) for convenience, entertainment, communication, business and learning, but there certainly is a big downside when you get the obsessive weirdos who have nothing better to occupy themselves with, who weren't hugged enough as children or whatever the root of this particular evil happens to be. This includes spammers, hackers, virus-creators, stalkers and the like. Essentialy, these behaviors are just byproducts of boredom and lack of focus, and websites like MySpace, et al only make it easier for people like this and save them from leaving their homes and digging into your trash to see who you got a birthday card from and whether or not you still talk to your ex-wife or what your boyfriend does for a living.

Seriously, guys... go outside and sniff a flower. Observe a tree. Go to a movie. Do something constructive. Maybe wander into a psychologist's office on the way, if you happen to get a minute in between reading this blog and forwarding it on to an equally strange and dramatic friend prefaced with a message like "Do you believe what she wrote?!"