Doormat Syndrome

Did you ever have a problem with someone for whatever reason, big or small, and you supress it because airing it out seems like the worse of the two ideas, even though you know staying quiet and putting up with it is still going to make you unhappy?

Or you don't want to do something, but you go along because you know you're looking for trouble if you don't give the answer people are looking for?

I've been doing this almost my whole life, to the point where I would come close to calling myself a doormat. Not always, but there are times I feel that way. And I hate it.

I never want people to be unhappy with me, and I usually try to keep the peace because in the long run, most of our annoyances are really not worth ruining a relationship over, and you never know how someone is going to take something, even if it's minor. Many times I've made the mistake of assuming I was dealing with a reasonable individual, and just as many times, that line of thinking has backfired.

What seems to happen, all to often, is that the other person becomes hyper-defensive and in the end, the situation is turned around onto you. No one wants to hear that they behaved poorly or did something wrong and even fewer are willing to accept responsibility for it.

And this, to my way of thinking, is both childish and arrogant. I cannot handle it when people can't acccept that they are not perfect and turn their bad behavior around so that in the end, you're the one at fault, or you're the one with all the problems. I've acknowledged my own problems or moments of poor behavior more times than I can count and I don't have a problem doing it. I'm not perfect and I've never thought that I was. I make errors. I do and say things I sometimes shouldn't, and I own up to it, and apologize. If I'm made aware of something that inadvertantly offended someone, I try to rectify it. I attempt to defend myself, of course, if I don't feel that I'm the only one at fault, but that's not the easiest thing to do, especially when the other person is upset with you and doesn't really want to hear anything but "you're right, I'm sorry."

You know what? We all make mistakes, and as adults, you'd think we could all be mature enough to be able to say, "Wow, I messed up" or "I should have handled that better", or whatever the case may be.

It doesn't matter how minor it is, does it? It could be the smallest thing, for example someone who constantly leaves empty soda cans laying around when they come over or calls you at whatever hour they feel like even though you've stated you're not cool with it. What always seems to happen, at least to me, is the other person does one of two things when you tell them that you mind whatever it is they're doing.

They will:

1) Become insanely dramatic and take it way over the top, as if you've just told them they were the worst person ever and should be killed instead of having told them that you really would like your copy of "The Shining" back, as they have had it since the summer of 2004. "Oh, well fine, I just won't borrow anything from anyone anymore since I'm such an a-hole!" And then you're sitting there like "Um, when and where did I say THAT? I'd just like to have my book back."

Or:

2) They turn it around on you, citing all the reasons why what they have done, or are doing, is your fault. "Well, you know, I wouldn't have to call you 10 times in a row if you would just answer your phone the first time!" (regardless of the reason you didn't answer the phone...) "Sorry, I didn't answer it because I was in the shower." And guess what - you're at fault for that too. "Shower, huh? It's always SOMETHING with you. You're in the shower, on the other line, in a store. Why don't you just answer your phone!"

The second one seems to happen to me constantly. In fact, that 'example' comes from reality. And that's part of what I'm talking about... I couldn't tell the person that the fact that they call 10, 12, 15 times in a row (and I mean literally IN A ROW) was annoying, extremely petty and inappropriate. I tried twice. I said that one call was sufficient, I would see it in my missed calls and return the call when I could. It was difficult to even bring up the problem because I knew just what would happen, and in the end, I was right - it became MY fault that this person behaved that way. By the way, the fact that this person does that to everyone who doesn't take the phone call on the first try never occurred to her when she was blaming her behavior on *me*. I wonder if it's my fault that all those other people ignored the calls too?

What I got out of it was this basic meaning: "I am more important than whatever it is you're doing, and I'm offended that you won't drop everything for me, and in fact, you have no life, you do nothing that keeps you so busy that you can't answer your phone, so I'm going to keep calling until you get annoyed enough to answer the phone."

Exaggeration? No. Everything beginning after "...in fact" and going to the end of that sentence was honestly said directly to me, nearly verbatim, which is how I derived the first part of it.

I guess my whole line of questioning revolves around why people can't just own up if you bring up a problem. I've known too many people in my life who have refused to stop and take a look at a situation and examine the fact they they just might play a part in something that makes another person unhappy.

I find that, presently, the more a person means to me, the less likely I am to make any kind of waves because I've lost people this way, some without meaning to, and some because they needed to go due to that kind of behavior, and I don't wish to lose any of the people that are in my life at this moment.

But I'm also happy to say that there are extremely few people in my life anymore who behave that way on a steady basis. Let's be honest, we all do it at some point, because again, we don't like to hear that we've done something wrong and we don't like to have people see us as bothersome, so when a person brings up a problem, we do go into defense mode.

What's my point in all this? Mostly just to let it off my mind - that's why I write, to let things out - but hopefully I can create a "pay it forward"-type situation where, going forward, we're all a little more likely to handle issues like adults, maybe stop and really think about what the person is saying instead of entering attack mode, or taking it to mean more than it does, and maybe, just maybe, help people to get along better, have a bit more respect and be a little happier.