People Who Need A Swift Bitchslap

The Sham-Wow Guy

People who pretend they don't speak English to avoid paying full price for things. We KNOW you speak it and we KNOW you understand the currency!

White people who use urban slang

Urban people who use urban slang

Health club skanks who spend more time fixing their makeup and hair before a workout than they do actually working out

People who experience dramatic weather and act like it's never happened in the history of the world before ("Can you BELIEVE how COLD it is?" Uh. Yeah. It's January, Einstein.).

Perez Hilton

Jon and Kate

People who watch Jon and Kate

Tom Leykis

Those who completely tear apart people they claim are friends behind their backs. You losers get double-slapped and then sent to Chris Brown's house.

People with no phone manners or etiquette whatsoever.

People who STILL make Clinton/Lewinsky jokes

Jesse Jackson

Emailers who refuse to accept that "reply" and "reply all" are NOT the same function

Message Board members who refuse to accept that "Quote" and "Reply" are NOT the same function

Sanjaya

Anyone who says that something "sucks donkey balls" (Where on Earth did that ridiculous phrase originate, anyway? Double-slap the idiot who started it)

Holly Hunter

Dog-people who can't understand that not all of us are dog-people

Seth MacFarlane, unless he takes "American Dad" off the air.

Automotive repairmen who talk down to women

Computer tech-support people who talk down to us "lay people", yet still cannot fix the problem (double-slap for all the times they've talked down to me, and then in the end *I* fixed the problem)

Justin Timberlake

People who begin a sentence and then interrupt themselves with "Nevermind, I'm not gonna say it..."

People who say "I have great news! But I can't tell anyone yet..."

Anyone who says "supposably", "aksed", "liberry" and "chimley".

Jessica Simpson

People who pour a cup of coffee before it's finished brewing, leaving the rest of the pot to taste, as my brother-in-law calls it, "like hot water with a brown crayon dipped in".

Animal abusers

Greta Van Susteren

Maury Povich, unless he gets a better show and stops all the Who's Yo Daddy shows and the "I'm Here to Confess That I'm Sleeping With My Baby-Momma's Cousin" shows. It's always the cousin. Always.

Joe Jackson

People who still think caller ID is some cool thing and have to answer the phone with stuff like "What do you want? Ha ha!" Um. yeah, that stopped being funny when caller ID was 2 minutes old.

Anyone who says "buh-bye" at the end of a call or visit.

People who merge onto a tollway/freeway/highway at 35 mph. You people ARE going to cause accidents!!

Anyone who walks around with their pants around their hips and boxers hanging out. That was stupid in the 90s and it's double stupid now in 2009. Knock that off and pull up your pants!

The list will continue.

Michael Joseph Jackson 1958 - 2009

When I heard this news near 5 pm yesterday, June 25, 2009, I was shocked. Today, the morning after, I'm honestly a little bummed out.

Michael Jackson has passed away.

Michael was part of my childhood... I grew up with the music, I watch the phenomenon unfold, grow and sadly, fall. Or, did it fall? Based on the reaction to yesterday's news... maybe not.

They've compared the scale of this to the passing of Elvis and of JFK. And I believe that to be true. I was 13 years from existing when Kennedy was shot, and I was 10 months old and not yet walking, probably barely talking, when Elvis passed, so I have no personal frame of reference, but I do know that not a person alive at those times doesn't recall where they were and what they were doing when they heard it. This is another of those rare deaths that just shock to the core.

I was at my desk, at work, and I clicked onto a website I read daily. There was a discussion thread titled "Michael Jackson ***CARDIAC ARREST** " - with "cardiac arrest" in all caps like that. I even remember noticing that the starter of the topic put three asteriks in front and only two at the end, just the way I've shown it. It's weird, the things that stick out at moments of surprise like that.

I thought what probably many people thought at the mention of Michael in the later years of his life... "Oh lord, NOW what?" I read what was going on, and there was a link to the TMZ website, who seemed to be the only people with any kind of reasonable assertation of what was going on. The major news outlets had not arrived to UCLA and most were breaking the news and citing TMZ as their source rather than putting up their own reports.

This was a little bit after 4:00 in the afternoon for me. By 4:45 pm, TMZ changed the headline on their main page to say that Michael Jackson had died. I stared at the screen for a moment, thinking of nothing but being a 7 year old kid sitting in front of the television, playing with Legos and Dolly Pops (remember those, girls?), watching my Michael Jackson videos on channel 66.

I searched google news for confirmation and found nothing but reports of the trip to the hospital. But for some reason, I knew that what TMZ had reported was true. It would not be until approximately 5:30, midway through my evening commute, that Fox News and CNN began to report the same. I stopped for gas at the Thornton's on York Rd. and Devon Ave. When I got out of the car, there was a red sports car at the same pump on the opposite side, with it's window open.

"Wanna Be Startin' Something" sounded loudly from that red car. Again, the childhood memories came back.

Now, we all know that the last 10-15 years were a total downward spiral for him - no one about to forget that.

He's been called many things. In the 70s he was an R&B phenomenon, leading the Jackson 5 to superstardom. In the 80s he was a megastar, a teen idol, a pop sensation, breaking records with his records, and by the 1990's he had been declared the King of Pop.

He's also been called odd, a freak, Wacko Jacko and a child molester. Personally, I never believed the first allegations in 1993. That situation screamed of extortion. And as we all know, the allegations returned 5 years ago. What, if anything, was behind them, I don't know. At the time, I believed it because, let's just face it, the evidence as it was reported was highly damning.

It was stated by a psychiatrist who evaluated Michael that he did not fit the profile of a pedophile, but rather the profile of a person looking to compensate for something missing, in Michael's case, his childhood, by surrounding himself with what he lacked as a child - mostly, friends his age.

Was he just a man in the wrong mental frame, unaware that his actions were perceived to be criminal, or was he actually a criminal? The answer is that I don't know. Stories of all sorts came from every angle... yes he did those things, no he didn't, these people are lying, those people are telling the truth... the bottom line is *I* don't know.

And Michael is now busy answering to whichever higher power he chose to believe in, and that's the way this story ends. And overall, his life and death make for a pretty sad story, especially the last decade. Sad for Michael, sad for his family, sad for those affected by him in whatever way they were affected during his time on Earth.


But before all of the questionable things happened, back in the day when the oddnes was limited to having exotic pets, being shy and quiet, and having just one nose job, there was a lot of music that I enjoyed very much. I played Thriller over and over when I was 7 and 8 years old. I sat in front of the TV watching the music video channel, playing with my Legos, waiting for "We Are the World" to play (because it was on 16 times a day)... and I waited for the shots of Michael (and I also very specifically recall wishing they would show the 'Oh Sherrie' guy more than just once because "he's so cute!" as well as wishing Bruce Springsteen would knock off the constipated singing and just belt it out like we all know he can do )... it was part of my childhood so it's a good memory for me.


I had some posters on my wall.
I used to kiss one of them (lay off, I was only 7)... it was this one:

As I said in my Facebook status this morning, "I'm choosing to remember how much I enjoyed Mike way back when, because that was a good childhood memory for me, instead of the drama of recent years."

And that's why I played Thriller in the car this morning, and will play it again on the way home.

Doormat Syndrome

Did you ever have a problem with someone for whatever reason, big or small, and you supress it because airing it out seems like the worse of the two ideas, even though you know staying quiet and putting up with it is still going to make you unhappy?

Or you don't want to do something, but you go along because you know you're looking for trouble if you don't give the answer people are looking for?

I've been doing this almost my whole life, to the point where I would come close to calling myself a doormat. Not always, but there are times I feel that way. And I hate it.

I never want people to be unhappy with me, and I usually try to keep the peace because in the long run, most of our annoyances are really not worth ruining a relationship over, and you never know how someone is going to take something, even if it's minor. Many times I've made the mistake of assuming I was dealing with a reasonable individual, and just as many times, that line of thinking has backfired.

What seems to happen, all to often, is that the other person becomes hyper-defensive and in the end, the situation is turned around onto you. No one wants to hear that they behaved poorly or did something wrong and even fewer are willing to accept responsibility for it.

And this, to my way of thinking, is both childish and arrogant. I cannot handle it when people can't acccept that they are not perfect and turn their bad behavior around so that in the end, you're the one at fault, or you're the one with all the problems. I've acknowledged my own problems or moments of poor behavior more times than I can count and I don't have a problem doing it. I'm not perfect and I've never thought that I was. I make errors. I do and say things I sometimes shouldn't, and I own up to it, and apologize. If I'm made aware of something that inadvertantly offended someone, I try to rectify it. I attempt to defend myself, of course, if I don't feel that I'm the only one at fault, but that's not the easiest thing to do, especially when the other person is upset with you and doesn't really want to hear anything but "you're right, I'm sorry."

You know what? We all make mistakes, and as adults, you'd think we could all be mature enough to be able to say, "Wow, I messed up" or "I should have handled that better", or whatever the case may be.

It doesn't matter how minor it is, does it? It could be the smallest thing, for example someone who constantly leaves empty soda cans laying around when they come over or calls you at whatever hour they feel like even though you've stated you're not cool with it. What always seems to happen, at least to me, is the other person does one of two things when you tell them that you mind whatever it is they're doing.

They will:

1) Become insanely dramatic and take it way over the top, as if you've just told them they were the worst person ever and should be killed instead of having told them that you really would like your copy of "The Shining" back, as they have had it since the summer of 2004. "Oh, well fine, I just won't borrow anything from anyone anymore since I'm such an a-hole!" And then you're sitting there like "Um, when and where did I say THAT? I'd just like to have my book back."

Or:

2) They turn it around on you, citing all the reasons why what they have done, or are doing, is your fault. "Well, you know, I wouldn't have to call you 10 times in a row if you would just answer your phone the first time!" (regardless of the reason you didn't answer the phone...) "Sorry, I didn't answer it because I was in the shower." And guess what - you're at fault for that too. "Shower, huh? It's always SOMETHING with you. You're in the shower, on the other line, in a store. Why don't you just answer your phone!"

The second one seems to happen to me constantly. In fact, that 'example' comes from reality. And that's part of what I'm talking about... I couldn't tell the person that the fact that they call 10, 12, 15 times in a row (and I mean literally IN A ROW) was annoying, extremely petty and inappropriate. I tried twice. I said that one call was sufficient, I would see it in my missed calls and return the call when I could. It was difficult to even bring up the problem because I knew just what would happen, and in the end, I was right - it became MY fault that this person behaved that way. By the way, the fact that this person does that to everyone who doesn't take the phone call on the first try never occurred to her when she was blaming her behavior on *me*. I wonder if it's my fault that all those other people ignored the calls too?

What I got out of it was this basic meaning: "I am more important than whatever it is you're doing, and I'm offended that you won't drop everything for me, and in fact, you have no life, you do nothing that keeps you so busy that you can't answer your phone, so I'm going to keep calling until you get annoyed enough to answer the phone."

Exaggeration? No. Everything beginning after "...in fact" and going to the end of that sentence was honestly said directly to me, nearly verbatim, which is how I derived the first part of it.

I guess my whole line of questioning revolves around why people can't just own up if you bring up a problem. I've known too many people in my life who have refused to stop and take a look at a situation and examine the fact they they just might play a part in something that makes another person unhappy.

I find that, presently, the more a person means to me, the less likely I am to make any kind of waves because I've lost people this way, some without meaning to, and some because they needed to go due to that kind of behavior, and I don't wish to lose any of the people that are in my life at this moment.

But I'm also happy to say that there are extremely few people in my life anymore who behave that way on a steady basis. Let's be honest, we all do it at some point, because again, we don't like to hear that we've done something wrong and we don't like to have people see us as bothersome, so when a person brings up a problem, we do go into defense mode.

What's my point in all this? Mostly just to let it off my mind - that's why I write, to let things out - but hopefully I can create a "pay it forward"-type situation where, going forward, we're all a little more likely to handle issues like adults, maybe stop and really think about what the person is saying instead of entering attack mode, or taking it to mean more than it does, and maybe, just maybe, help people to get along better, have a bit more respect and be a little happier.

I will have an apple in brooklyn tu morrow

Another 3 year old piece of material (or piece of shit, maybe, I'm not sure), but one that I enjoyed at the time, and just had fun re-reading... note: none of this should be read with an "angry" tone. We all know I do this to be funny.


Originally posted: Tuesday, June 06, 2006


Son of a @!#*!

Honestly, I have had it with these celebrities and their "I have to give my baby a unique name!" I am all for leaving parents alone about stuff, becuase I am usually in the mindset of "It's not my kid, so it's not my place to say anything... I wouldn't want people doing that to me, so I won't do it either..." Now there are some cases, like when parents are doing really stupid and dangerous things and anyone with half a brain can see that it's NOT good for the kid. Then I may make comments. But unless a kid is being physically or mentally harmed, I leave it alone.

Having said that - honestly, this baby-naming thing is just out of control. There's nothing wrong with some originality, but, well... you'll see...

I was watching a program on VH-1 about celebrities and the ABUSIVE nature in which they bestow ridiculous names on their children.

I can't decide which one is the absolute worst one I've ever heard, but I do think I have a great candidate for worst ever.

By the way, the people that are blogging about this are stupid too (myself excluded, of course). I saw a list titled "Horrid Celebrity Baby Names" for 2003, and one of the runner-ups was "Lola St. John" (daughter of actor Kristoff St. John).

What? Why is "Lola" a horrid name? No no no. I am striking "Lola" from the list. Because let me tell you, if kids are anything like they were when I was little, when Lola and Apple are at the playground together, guess which one is going to get made fun of...

Here is the working list of celebrities who should be smacked about the head for picking horrid baby names:

~ Rob Morrow - daughter: Tu Morrow

~ Jamie Oliver - daughter: Daisy Boo Oliver (I wouldn't even include the name Daisy as horrid, but Boo? Daisy Boo is a cat's name, not a baby's name, although it's still not the worst...)

~ Gweneth Paltrow - daughter: Apple son: Moses

~ Victoria (Posh Spice) & David Beckham - 3 sons: Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz Beckham

~ (2009 note: I had John Travola in this space originally, and I took it out because given what happened to his son, I re-read what I wrote in 2006 and felt like a complete and total a-hole)

~ Rachel Griffiths/Andrew Taylor - son: Banjo Patrick Taylor (now, why couldn't they AT LEAST swap that? If they couldn't let go of "Banjo", couldn't they at least make that the middle name and let him be Patrick? Then he could just choose not to use his middle name, like me - I don't like it so I don't use it and no one ever has to know about it.)

~ Robert Rodriguez (guitarist) - 4 sons: Rocket, Rebel, Racer, Rogue and daughter: Rhiannon

...alright I can't let go of this one. Rocket, Rebel, Racer, Rogue and Rhiannon Rodriguez. Say that 5 times fast, I freakin' DARE you. That's just fucking child abuse right there. By the way, the name Rhiannon by itself never would have made my list. That's not horrid name.

(2009 note: I believe my bestie, Rhiannon, whom I didn't know when I wrote this, will be pleased to read that... LOL!)

~ Shannon Sossaman/Dallas Clayton - son: Audio Science Clayton

Um. Ok.


~ Marc Bolan (of T. Rex) - son: Rolan Bolan

What is worse than the actual name here is the fact that Bolan is not even Marc's birth name. I don't have the facts on whether he changed it legally or is just a stage name but still.

Now, what if Tanya Tucker started playing the rhyming game with baby names? With reproducing comes great responsibility, especially when it comes to name-choosing. Come on people - this is borderline anarchy. What if Brad Pitt named his daughter Clit?

Clit Pitt. I like it.

Didn't we learn how asinine this is when Zowie Bowie came along?

But still. If it's not even your actual last name, why would you do that tot he child? Sebastian Bach's wife and kids aren't named 'Bach', they have his real last name. However, now that I think about it - he's another one with the wacky baby naming....so let's explore that....

~ Sebastian Bach - two sons: Paris Francis Muir and London Siddhartha Halford. For one thing, why do they need two middle names? How the hell many Parises and Londons can there be? It can't be that confusing. I mean, the answer to that NOW is there are probably lots of Parises and Londons, but these kids are much older. Ok, whatever. Paris and London aren't even that bad, but once you start complicating it... oy! Then again, if they hit age 21 and look anything like their dad used to at that age, it probably won't matter what their names are.

~ Jermaine Jackson - and I swear this is my all time favorite stupid name - son: Jermajesty Jackson

Jermajesty? Jer-maj-es-ty? Jer... MAJESTY? >.<

I don't even have a comment that can do this one justice. The idiocy speaks - ne, screams, for itself.

...and the grand prize winner...and VH-1 seemed to agree with me on this, but it was my original pick anyway....

~ Jason Lee - son: Pilot Inspektor Lee

Pilot IN-SPEK-TOR!! This one disappointed me, because I really like Jason Lee. But PILOT F***ING INSPEKTOR? And with a "K" nonetheless!

And lest we forget to mention the newest brand of celebrity obnoxiousness:
Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt

You know what, I really think they should have just named her "Brangelina" and been done with it. It could be a brand new invented name. Honorable - I mean Horrible - mentions to Maddox and Zahara.

By the way, I'm officially pardoning the entire Phoenix family. Because with people like Jermajesty, Apple and Pilot God Damn Inspektor roaming around, seems that names like River, Summer and Rainbow really weren't bad at all.

4 Complaints - Birds, Cats & Pills, Judy Garcia and Gym Skanks

Ever realize it's been awhile since you've done something you enjoy, and you just want to do it because you miss it?

I used to be a big complainer.

(yeah I know... "What are you talking about, Kim? You complain all the time!" Yeah, but not nearly as much as I used to, and lately, only about the real big things that any of us would complain about.)

In the grand scheme of things, I have really very little to be negative and complainy about. I'm employed, my boss is awesome, I have the best possible friends a person could ask for, I have someone who cares about me (our only relationship problem is geography, but if life wants me to have this, that will work itself out, so I'm not complaining about that. Yet. LOL), I have a totally awesome family and because of better eating and 4 (or more) days a week in the gym, I feel really good. Really, my biggest problem is financial, but hey, join the club right?

I'm happier overall than I have been in quite some time.

And it's been awhile since I allowed myself a full-on gripe fest. I'm entitled.

Birds. Friggin' birds!! May I ask why birds happen by my car, see the words "Nissan Sentra" and interpret that to mean "Please shit right here"? I could park my vehicle 28 miles from the nearest tree and still get nailed. As I left for lunch the other day, I discovered something - Pterodactyls are not extinct. There is no other possible culprit responsible for what I found on my windshield that afternoon.

The tree in front of my home is unhealthy and the leaves haven't come in full two years in a row now. All the other trees on the block are full and green and shady, and make much better avain dwellings. So why then, has every bird in Chicago moved into my tree and made a full-fledged sport out of dropping a deuce on my car?

The stray cats in the 'hood, I'm convinced, are in on this game. Cats catch birds, right? I've got at least 34 stray cats within a half-block radius of my house. Not one of them can catch these stupid birds? Then again, Sylvester has yet to be able to catch that little yellow bastard, Tweety, so maybe I'm wrong. ("I tawt I tawt a gween car I could shit on! I DID! I did tee a gween car I can shit on!" I hate Tweety Bird.)

I like animals and I like birds - really I do. But COME ON. This is way out of control.

Giving a cat pills. Ever try this? The vet gave me a choice... she can have pills or liquid. Now, I'd about rather wrestle the tiger that ate Roy than jack around with giving a cat pills, but the liquid option painted an even worse scenario in my mind as soon as I heard it. That story would have ended up with all the medicine all over the outside of the cat (not to mention all over me and the furniture) and I need the medicine to be inside of her, so I said, ok, I've done it before... gimme the dang pills.

It has been a week now, and we've only had 2 spit-outs, so we're not doing too bad. The worst part is prying her mouth open. She can't (won't!) just stop and comply for 10 seconds. I thought we were in good shape when twice she put up no fight, made no noise, and just ate the thing, but those turned out to be one-time deals. It's been a week now, and she knows that once I shove the pill down her yap, the ordeal is over.

But she isn't about submit to logic or to the easy way out. So twice a day there is a lot of scratching, clawing, fighting and complaining. And then there's the cat.

People who don't speak with so much as a hint of a hispanic accent unless they are saying a hispanic word or name. There is no better way to make me CRINGE. This is rampant among local newscasters. Watch one of the local newscasts in your area, I guarantee you'll find one who does this on every channel. We have 2 that spring to mind. We've got ABC's Judy Garcia and WGN's Ana Belaval.

DO NOT get me wrong. I'm not about to complain about spanish speaking people or their accents. I don't mind either. I'm griping about people who have no accent until they happen across a spanish word, and then suddenly turn into Antonio Banderas right on the spot.

Judy Garcia speaks with what I would define as pure american diction. Until she says her name. "...police have not yet released the names of the victims... for ABC-7, I'm Judy GarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrSEEEEEya." I've never heard so many rolling Rs in one word in my whole damn life.

Ana Belaval is worse. Again, no real accent, until she says her name, but she puts so much spanish flavor into saying it, that I actually had to ask around to find out what her name was because I couldn't understand her.

"You know that chick on channel 9, the one who doesn't really do anything except a lame filler segment every morning? Yeah, you know her... that woman whose job it is to report from the Botanic Gardens on National Orchid Day... what in hell is her name?"

Because the way I heard it was, "reporting from the Botanic Gardens, I'm Annblevaaaaaaaaaaal... back to you Larry and Robin." (Yeah. Robin. She's a blog all by herself - Robin Baumgarten and why she ruins my morning on a daily basis - that's gonna take some YouTube research...)

People who only hang around the gym to pick up guys/girls. Yeah, I found something else to be annoyed by at the health club. I'm sure guys do this too, but I don't know what goes on in the mens' locker room and I really don't pay that much attention to the guys working out, so I can really only speak about what I do notice, and that's the girls.

Here's what I see in the locker room: tiny little skinny girls without so much as an ounce of fat on them, ages 18ish to 22ish, standing in front of the mirrors, fixing their makeup, putting on eyeliner, fussing with their (badly colored) hair and turning sideways to see how they look in their tight little yoga pants and tank tops.

Later, they're out on the treadmills and ellipticals, barely moving so as not to break a sweat.

And here's why this annoys me: I am there to get a real workout and I can't get on a machine because these chicks are taking up space when they're not even doing anything. Go to a club or a bar if you want to wear tight little pants and inch of eyeliner to pick up guys. Jiminey christmas!

Alright, that's 4 gripes. That's my allowed amount. I don't want to slip too far back into this habit. So griping will be like my calorie counting... they will be limited so as not to go overboard and gain back too much negativity.

(that was insightful as all get out... which by the way is yet another topic I would like to cover... ridiculous phrases like "all get out" and where do they come from, and dear lord, why are they still in use... to be continued sometime after the Robin Baumgarten diatribe)

Anatomy Of A Crappy Song - part 4: I Wanna Sex You Up

I know, part 2 and part 3 are missing. They were good ones, though, and they'll post as flashbacks soon, since they're over 2 years old.

Part 4 came to me as I was listening to the 90s channel recently, and they pulled out this (faux) gem from 1991's Badd boys, Sam, Kevin, Bryan and the one that looked exactly like George Michael.

"The song spent three weeks at number 1 on the UK Singles Chart and reached number 2 on the U.S. Billboard Hot 100. It was the 10th best-selling single of 1991 in the UK. An alternate version also appeared on the New Jack City soundtrack."

I've tried to find the original video on YouTube for those who love a good "holy crap" flashback, and you'd expect it would be there, but no.

"I Wanna Sex You Up" - Color Me Badd

Come inside take off your coat,
I'll make you feel at home
Now lets pour a glass of wine
Cuz now we're all alone.

Not bad (sorry, I mean badd).
Nice, romantic situation happening here.

I've been waiting all night
so just let me hold you close to me
Cuz I've been dying for you girl
to make love to me

Cool. Still a nice scenario.
Could be a cheesey Valentine's card, but still... not awful.

Girl you make me feel real good,
We can do it till we both wake up

Coming as this does from a pussy group of people who think spelling "bad" with 2 Ds makes them, in fact, bad, problems were inevitable.

Run this suggestion by me again, please?

We can do it till we both wake up

*rubs eyes*

Sorry... one more time please?

We can do it till we both wake up

Note to Bryan, or whatever record company employee was hired to write this scheisse... you're doing it wrong. It works a whole hell of a lot better if you wake up beforehand. Trust me on this one.

Girl you know I'm hooked on you
and this is what i'll do...

Chorus: (I wanna love you down)
I wanna sex you up, All nite, (you make me feel good)
I want (to rub you down) I wanna sex you up,

Let me take off all your clothes.

See? This is why it's important to be awake while you're doing it. It's hard enough for a guy to get a bra open with both eyes open and an instruction manual. Can you imagine trying it unconscious?

Disconnect the phone so nobody knows.

Why? Just don't answer it.

People might think you're just not home. How will they KNOW you're having sex? And even if they knew, why do you care? You're having sex and they're not. Be proud. You're in bed with a smokin' hot chick (if you're lucky), and they're screwing around making phone calls. Send a tweet, post it on your Facebook. Go ahead. You're entitled. Unless she's married. Or you are.


Let me light a candle,
So that we can make it better.


You know, all this time you're spending playing around with phones and candles, you could be gettin' jiggy. Just a suggestion.


Makin' love until we drown.

Whoa, hey... what's happening? Some crazy aquatic form of auto-erotic asphixiation? Ok... they probably don't mean it that way, in which case it's just another very ridiculous lyric. I swear, if a guy said that to me, there would be no makin' love until we drown because I'd be way too busy laughing myself into the ER.

Girl, you know it feels real good.

Captain Obvious has arrived.

We can do it 'til we both wake up.

You're still doing it wrong, man.

Girl you know I'm hooked on you.

That's because you were alseep and couldn't get the bra off correctly.
Now your hooked to her. Maybe next time you'll listen.

And this is what I'll do.

(Chorus)

Make sweet lovin' all night long...
Feels so right it can't be wrong...
Don't be shy girl get with me...
Open up your heart and I'll set you free...

Knox in box.
Fox in socks.
Knox on fox in socks in box.
Socks on Knox and Knox in box.
Fox in socks on box on Knox.

------------------------------

Suggestions for part 5 are welcome.
What craptacular musical poetry would you like me to rip to shreds?
I'm considering a tribute to Bret Michaels. *devil horns*