My oh my how gaming has changed since "my day", by which I mean the late 80s. For one thing, we didn't call it "gaming". "Gaming" - like most "ing" verbs - suggests a serious effort in which time and money are heavily invested, strategy is intensely studied, and developments, improvements and additions are made on a constant basis. It sounds like "hunting" or "fishing"... "Gaming" makes it sound almost like a profession. "I am a gamer".
20+ years ago it was as simple as "Let's go play Mario!" Yes, it's called "Super Mario Brothers", but we didn't (and still don't) call it that. We were on a much more familiar basis, a first name basis. He was, is and always will be "Mario".
My favorite thing about video games today versus 20-25 years ago is the ability to stop playing and save your spot. Kids of the new millennium have no idea the feeling that creeps in when you've made it to level 8, this time you might just save the elusive Princess, and you get called to dinner or told to go to bed. Kids now have no idea how much work was involved to protect the game system from being shut off. You had to seek out and verbally inform everyone that might be in, near, or within 16 blocks of your house that you are in the middle of a game and NOT to turn the system off. You had to post warnings, inform family and neighbors, and most importantly, stand items in front of the shelf or find some electrical tape to cover the light so that in the event an energy-conscious (read: cheap) parent should happen by, your progress does not become a victim of "Hey, who left this on? My name isn't ComEd, you know!"
I've been out of the video game loop for quite awhile. I had the 8-bit Nintendo with the giant cartridges... the damn thing still works too! (you still have to blow in the cartridges and the game system to get it to work though)... the next one I had was Sega Genesis, but I never really got all that far into it.
Awhile later, when Playstation arrived, I realized I just couldn't hack it. Too much going on with those games and those controllers that have 8 buttons, two joysticks and a directional arrow key. Not only does each button do something different, but the button functions vary game to game. One game uses this button to shoot/aim/fire/jump/swim/do the batdance... another game with the same activity relies on a different button to perform it. Forget it.
But wait! The invention of Wii gives me a controller like I had back in the day? Well, sign me up! Ok, they've added one additional button, but that's alright. One is fine. Considering that for many of the games you really don't need *any* buttons anyway, I'll take the one extra button, no problem. Well, I was a little wrong about that. Buttons do become a problem again down the course of this tale.
Now, the downside of the controller frenzy is this: sure, Nintendo brought back the simple game controller, for which I am thankful, but in the process, they gave us a slew of games that need all kinds of other bullshit in order to play them. It seems like each game has its own gizmo requirement now. The hunting game has to come with some kind of rifle, the Wii Fitness games and a few others need a "balance" board, the Dance Revolution game needs some kind of floor mat to dance on, the Mario Kart game needs steering wheels for each player... well, ok, you got me on that one... you can play it without the wheel but what the hell fun is that? ... and for the Rock Band games, you need 2 guitars, a microphone, a keytar (oh yes, there's a keytar) and friggin' DRUMS. You now need a drum set to play a video game... really?!
A, B, Start, Select, Up and Down are just not enough anymore. But isn't there a happy medium between A, B, Up and Down and a video game that requires you to hire roadies to set the damn thing up?
I don't have enough patience, or enough interested friends for that matter, to start my own virtual rock band just yet, so I went with Guitar Hero (which has also recently added microphones and drums... but whatever)..
Now we're talking! Games like this are exactly perfect for my generation. A child of the 80s who outgrew video games 15-20 years ago can once again hole up on a cold winter night and just be a kid, only this time, the games are way cooler, and considering the content, it is now perfectly acceptable for people my age and up to play video games. I mean, you stick Slash on the box and fill the game with 70s and 80s rock, you're basically saying "Hey, it's ok that you have clear memories of Nixon, Carter and /or Reagan being elected... you can still play this!!"
I was a little giddy, I must admit. I played this game once, on the display at a Best Buy, and I suuuuuucked, but that was in Best Buy for five minutes. Surely, in my own living room, with time to read the directions, I can figure it out. No problem. I'm gonna be the best fake guitarist ever!
Well, that was the idea. Here's what actually happened:
"Holy shit, what are all these dots flying across the screen at me!? What am I supposed to press? But I DID press that one, nothing happened! Press them both? Both what? Why do you keep talking about Star Power? Is that like the little star in Mario that makes you invincible? If I'm invincible, I won't get booed off? What do mean "that's not what Star Power means"? Well, that's what it SHOULD mean, because I keep getting f#@%!&*! booed off!"
Well, close enough. Here is what honestly happened:
"Ooooh look, it has "American Girl"! I know every note of this song, I'm gonna start with that!!"
*Music stops and I get booed out before the first chorus*
"Hey, what the...? Um. I'm not so good at this. Man, that song has a lot of fucking notes."
This is where a slew of buttons reappears to ruin my day.
You've seen these video game guitars, yes?
5 fret buttons... green, red, yellow, blue, orange. A strumming "bar" and a whammy bar. Just when I thought I had my simple controller back. Ah, me.
Now, think about how you hold a guitar. You have 4 fingers available on the fretboard. There are 5 buttons on the fake guitar. "Something doesn't quite add up here," I think as I stare at the guitar controller.
Brief rundown: On easy mode (and we're being real loose with the word "easy" here), you get green, red and yellow notes. On medium mode, you add blue notes. On hard mode, you add orange and at this point the sequences are complicated. Beyond that is "expert" mode. I can't even begin to imagine anyone actually being able to do that.
I should probably go the easier route and just learn to play a real guitar, but it's already too late. The note colors and combinations are already starting to stick in my head... much the same way the 12 year-year-old me started to see everything as a possible Tetris puzzle. Don't even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about...
I can already tell you that to play the chorus of "Slow Ride" by Foghat, you go... yellow-red-hold on green repeat. More to come shortly on why I was playing friggin' Foghat in the first place...
This game actually requires skill, timing and coordination. Not a fan of that. I just wanted to play "Welcome to the Jungle". Well, I DID play "Welcome to the Jungle". And before I even got to "sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-kneeeeeees-kneeeees", Slash climbed out of the TV... YES, he climbed OUT of my TV, took the guitar away from me, beat me right over the head with it and said "You're not even close, just STOP playing that. Stop it. I'm serious."
On the upside... I got to meet Slash.
This is about where Foghat enters the picture. It's the very first song on Guitar Hero 3. It's the first song because it's the easiest song. Yellow-red-hold on green yellow-red-hold on green yellow-red-hold on green... it's the song you start with when you're a complete DERP at trying to play virtual guitar. It's Guitar Hero: Short Bus Edition.
It's a good training item, but once you get through it twice with more than 80% of the notes played, you feel like you can go try "Welcome to the Jungle" again. But there's Slash, sticking his big old top hat out again to remind you that you still suck. "Back to Foghat with you," he says.
Even real guitarists can't deal with this game... watch HERE as Dave Mustaine says it's "harder than playing real guitar" and Scott Ian can barely get 30% of the way through one of his own songs.
You would swear that the following idea was part of the writing process for every song in the game:
Guitar Hero 5 features "Spirit of Radio" by Rush. This had to be someone being a wiseass. Had to be. If you don't know the song, go to YouTube right now. Play it. Then you'll you'll know why I laughed OUT LOUD when I saw the song list. I've decided not to play it. A) even in strumming-only mode (no fret buttons used), it's a nightmare and B) I don't need Alex Lifeson coming out of that TV next. Maybe he would send Geddy? I'd prefer that. Geddy is wee little man. I could totally take him.
I have since improved a bit. Last time I tried "Welcome To The Jungle", Slash only peeked out briefly and gave me the stinkeye. Once you get the hang of it, it's fun as hell. Now they just need to give me the edition I really want... Guitar Hero: The Who. Come on, we know Pete would sell his own mother for the right price, there's no reason not to expect GH: The Who. The only production challenge is that the game would have to come with 1200 guitars because you'd have to keep smashing them.
Now, one of the other really great things about current video game technology is that you no longer have to sit in the same position, moving nothing but your two thumbs to the point where both of your legs and your ass are asleep (ever get "Nintendo ass"? You know, sitting on a floor, cress-legged for 2 straight hours playing games... you better hope nothing catches fire at that point because running for you life just ain't gonna happen). These days, advanced technology has us acting out the games! Wireless, bluetooth, motion sensors, whatever is going on in those remotes, I don't know, but you can actually go more than 3 feet away from the TV now! (ever forget you were holding a game controller and get up and walk away, pulling the whole game system right off the shelf? Yep. Another hazard of gaming in the 80s)
Skiing, skateboarding, bowling, tennis, baseball, dancing, snowboarding... wait... what? Dancing?
Oh yeah. Now this I got on board with right away. This right here is both exercise and fun rolled up into one. Hmm... what kind of dance game would be fun... let's see...
Oooh! How about that Michael Jackson dance game! I've watched all those music videos most of my life, I can TOTALLY do that, no problem.
I'm gonna stop right here and say this: if you ever find the above thought crossing your mind... just go right to ebay, find yourself a used Atari and a copy of Frogger and call it a day.
If you haven't seen the commercial for this, showing you all kinds of shiny, happy people playing the MJ game, here it is:
And I am telling you right now... that is 100% NOT what happens when real people play.
Turns out, watching those videos a thousand times and knowing the moves does not qualify you for jack diddly crap except maybe having too much damn time on your hands. If you do insist on trying the MJ game, you will need to purchase the required hardware for the game: the Wii-KG machine, set of Wii-fibrillators, intubation kit (also compatible with Wii Sports Resort), crutches and a neck brace (optional). I recommend purchasing the Wii Trauma Bundle. You get all of that, plus the game, as well as a bonus game controller for a friend (more than likely a friend you don't like very much).
Let's put it this way, the "Beat It" and "Thriller" routines are the EASY ones. I'm keeping this game and canceling my Bally's membership right away. (that's not a joke) Additionally, I now know the reason Michael Jackson was so thin his whole life.
Seriously, go try to be "Smooth Criminal" in your living room. Come back and report. Do you know that those creeps had the nerve to include that wacky anti-gravity 45-degree forward lean move in this game? Yeah... I mean this:
The hell?
Yeah, there's no moonwalking, but they saw fit to include this one? You know how MJ did that? Special shoes and pegs on the floor / stage (sorry, Mike, I blew your secret, but in my defense... 1) it's all over the internet anyway and 2) well, you're not exactly going to come get me, are you? O.o)
My game did NOT come with special MJ loafers or pegs for my floor (nope... there were no Anti-GraviWii shoes in the box... maybe in version 2?).
So, I cheat. I make the controller go where it needs to, since that's all it really senses anyway, because if I tried that shit, I'd faceplant. Then I would sue his estate (why not, everyone else and their mother are doing it...).
The thing that bums me out is that in the same way we have amusing videos of real rockers trying to play the music games, I would love to be able to see Michael Jackson here to try to play his own dance game. I bet even MJ would say...
I don't even need to exaggerate about this game. This game *will* kill people. Shit... it probably killed him! Propofol, my ass... he got preliminary copy of the game and "sha'moned" himself to death. This is probably the toned-down version.
Hopefully I can do well enough at the dance game to keep Mike from popping out of that screen, though.
That would be... awkward.
So, if you're going to play this game, here's my advice: Stay far away from any song where MJ was white. Those are impossible. It's no coincidence that I can play the "Thriller" song perfectly and damn near done killed my bad self with "Remember The Time". What I figure, is that the whiter he got, the more he tried to distract us with all the complicated dancing. Knock it off, Mike. You're white, and we can see it. And most of us don't give a damn, we just like it when you dance, so quit it with all the visual trickery.
The long and short of this is that you're never too old, or too young, to enjoy video games. My niece could beat the crap out of me at Wii Bowling when she was 5. And at my advancing age, I could probably beat Scott Ian at Guitar Hero. As long as your having fun, it doesn't matter. And though the playing field has changed since I was a kid, with my little copies of "Rad Racer" and "Dr. Mario", it's still entertaining, still challenging, and still fun as all hell to grab a friend and laugh yourselves insane at how much you suck trying to play "Bohemian Rhapsody" and how impossible it is to try to play "Time Warp" without doing the dance that goes with it.
Just remember: yellow, red, hold on green
20+ years ago it was as simple as "Let's go play Mario!" Yes, it's called "Super Mario Brothers", but we didn't (and still don't) call it that. We were on a much more familiar basis, a first name basis. He was, is and always will be "Mario".
My favorite thing about video games today versus 20-25 years ago is the ability to stop playing and save your spot. Kids of the new millennium have no idea the feeling that creeps in when you've made it to level 8, this time you might just save the elusive Princess, and you get called to dinner or told to go to bed. Kids now have no idea how much work was involved to protect the game system from being shut off. You had to seek out and verbally inform everyone that might be in, near, or within 16 blocks of your house that you are in the middle of a game and NOT to turn the system off. You had to post warnings, inform family and neighbors, and most importantly, stand items in front of the shelf or find some electrical tape to cover the light so that in the event an energy-conscious (read: cheap) parent should happen by, your progress does not become a victim of "Hey, who left this on? My name isn't ComEd, you know!"
I've been out of the video game loop for quite awhile. I had the 8-bit Nintendo with the giant cartridges... the damn thing still works too! (you still have to blow in the cartridges and the game system to get it to work though)... the next one I had was Sega Genesis, but I never really got all that far into it.
Awhile later, when Playstation arrived, I realized I just couldn't hack it. Too much going on with those games and those controllers that have 8 buttons, two joysticks and a directional arrow key. Not only does each button do something different, but the button functions vary game to game. One game uses this button to shoot/aim/fire/jump/swim/do the batdance... another game with the same activity relies on a different button to perform it. Forget it.
But wait! The invention of Wii gives me a controller like I had back in the day? Well, sign me up! Ok, they've added one additional button, but that's alright. One is fine. Considering that for many of the games you really don't need *any* buttons anyway, I'll take the one extra button, no problem. Well, I was a little wrong about that. Buttons do become a problem again down the course of this tale.
Now, the downside of the controller frenzy is this: sure, Nintendo brought back the simple game controller, for which I am thankful, but in the process, they gave us a slew of games that need all kinds of other bullshit in order to play them. It seems like each game has its own gizmo requirement now. The hunting game has to come with some kind of rifle, the Wii Fitness games and a few others need a "balance" board, the Dance Revolution game needs some kind of floor mat to dance on, the Mario Kart game needs steering wheels for each player... well, ok, you got me on that one... you can play it without the wheel but what the hell fun is that? ... and for the Rock Band games, you need 2 guitars, a microphone, a keytar (oh yes, there's a keytar) and friggin' DRUMS. You now need a drum set to play a video game... really?!
A, B, Start, Select, Up and Down are just not enough anymore. But isn't there a happy medium between A, B, Up and Down and a video game that requires you to hire roadies to set the damn thing up?
I don't have enough patience, or enough interested friends for that matter, to start my own virtual rock band just yet, so I went with Guitar Hero (which has also recently added microphones and drums... but whatever)..
Now we're talking! Games like this are exactly perfect for my generation. A child of the 80s who outgrew video games 15-20 years ago can once again hole up on a cold winter night and just be a kid, only this time, the games are way cooler, and considering the content, it is now perfectly acceptable for people my age and up to play video games. I mean, you stick Slash on the box and fill the game with 70s and 80s rock, you're basically saying "Hey, it's ok that you have clear memories of Nixon, Carter and /or Reagan being elected... you can still play this!!"
I was a little giddy, I must admit. I played this game once, on the display at a Best Buy, and I suuuuuucked, but that was in Best Buy for five minutes. Surely, in my own living room, with time to read the directions, I can figure it out. No problem. I'm gonna be the best fake guitarist ever!
Well, that was the idea. Here's what actually happened:
"Holy shit, what are all these dots flying across the screen at me!? What am I supposed to press? But I DID press that one, nothing happened! Press them both? Both what? Why do you keep talking about Star Power? Is that like the little star in Mario that makes you invincible? If I'm invincible, I won't get booed off? What do mean "that's not what Star Power means"? Well, that's what it SHOULD mean, because I keep getting f#@%!&*! booed off!"
Well, close enough. Here is what honestly happened:
"Ooooh look, it has "American Girl"! I know every note of this song, I'm gonna start with that!!"
*Music stops and I get booed out before the first chorus*
"Hey, what the...? Um. I'm not so good at this. Man, that song has a lot of fucking notes."
This is where a slew of buttons reappears to ruin my day.
You've seen these video game guitars, yes?
5 fret buttons... green, red, yellow, blue, orange. A strumming "bar" and a whammy bar. Just when I thought I had my simple controller back. Ah, me.
Now, think about how you hold a guitar. You have 4 fingers available on the fretboard. There are 5 buttons on the fake guitar. "Something doesn't quite add up here," I think as I stare at the guitar controller.
Brief rundown: On easy mode (and we're being real loose with the word "easy" here), you get green, red and yellow notes. On medium mode, you add blue notes. On hard mode, you add orange and at this point the sequences are complicated. Beyond that is "expert" mode. I can't even begin to imagine anyone actually being able to do that.
I should probably go the easier route and just learn to play a real guitar, but it's already too late. The note colors and combinations are already starting to stick in my head... much the same way the 12 year-year-old me started to see everything as a possible Tetris puzzle. Don't even pretend you don't know what I'm talking about...
I can already tell you that to play the chorus of "Slow Ride" by Foghat, you go... yellow-red-hold on green repeat. More to come shortly on why I was playing friggin' Foghat in the first place...
This game actually requires skill, timing and coordination. Not a fan of that. I just wanted to play "Welcome to the Jungle". Well, I DID play "Welcome to the Jungle". And before I even got to "sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-kneeeeeees-kneeeees", Slash climbed out of the TV... YES, he climbed OUT of my TV, took the guitar away from me, beat me right over the head with it and said "You're not even close, just STOP playing that. Stop it. I'm serious."
On the upside... I got to meet Slash.
This is about where Foghat enters the picture. It's the very first song on Guitar Hero 3. It's the first song because it's the easiest song. Yellow-red-hold on green yellow-red-hold on green yellow-red-hold on green... it's the song you start with when you're a complete DERP at trying to play virtual guitar. It's Guitar Hero: Short Bus Edition.
It's a good training item, but once you get through it twice with more than 80% of the notes played, you feel like you can go try "Welcome to the Jungle" again. But there's Slash, sticking his big old top hat out again to remind you that you still suck. "Back to Foghat with you," he says.
Even real guitarists can't deal with this game... watch HERE as Dave Mustaine says it's "harder than playing real guitar" and Scott Ian can barely get 30% of the way through one of his own songs.
You would swear that the following idea was part of the writing process for every song in the game:
Guitar Hero 5 features "Spirit of Radio" by Rush. This had to be someone being a wiseass. Had to be. If you don't know the song, go to YouTube right now. Play it. Then you'll you'll know why I laughed OUT LOUD when I saw the song list. I've decided not to play it. A) even in strumming-only mode (no fret buttons used), it's a nightmare and B) I don't need Alex Lifeson coming out of that TV next. Maybe he would send Geddy? I'd prefer that. Geddy is wee little man. I could totally take him.
I have since improved a bit. Last time I tried "Welcome To The Jungle", Slash only peeked out briefly and gave me the stinkeye. Once you get the hang of it, it's fun as hell. Now they just need to give me the edition I really want... Guitar Hero: The Who. Come on, we know Pete would sell his own mother for the right price, there's no reason not to expect GH: The Who. The only production challenge is that the game would have to come with 1200 guitars because you'd have to keep smashing them.
Now, one of the other really great things about current video game technology is that you no longer have to sit in the same position, moving nothing but your two thumbs to the point where both of your legs and your ass are asleep (ever get "Nintendo ass"? You know, sitting on a floor, cress-legged for 2 straight hours playing games... you better hope nothing catches fire at that point because running for you life just ain't gonna happen). These days, advanced technology has us acting out the games! Wireless, bluetooth, motion sensors, whatever is going on in those remotes, I don't know, but you can actually go more than 3 feet away from the TV now! (ever forget you were holding a game controller and get up and walk away, pulling the whole game system right off the shelf? Yep. Another hazard of gaming in the 80s)
Skiing, skateboarding, bowling, tennis, baseball, dancing, snowboarding... wait... what? Dancing?
Oh yeah. Now this I got on board with right away. This right here is both exercise and fun rolled up into one. Hmm... what kind of dance game would be fun... let's see...
Oooh! How about that Michael Jackson dance game! I've watched all those music videos most of my life, I can TOTALLY do that, no problem.
I'm gonna stop right here and say this: if you ever find the above thought crossing your mind... just go right to ebay, find yourself a used Atari and a copy of Frogger and call it a day.
If you haven't seen the commercial for this, showing you all kinds of shiny, happy people playing the MJ game, here it is:
And I am telling you right now... that is 100% NOT what happens when real people play.
Turns out, watching those videos a thousand times and knowing the moves does not qualify you for jack diddly crap except maybe having too much damn time on your hands. If you do insist on trying the MJ game, you will need to purchase the required hardware for the game: the Wii-KG machine, set of Wii-fibrillators, intubation kit (also compatible with Wii Sports Resort), crutches and a neck brace (optional). I recommend purchasing the Wii Trauma Bundle. You get all of that, plus the game, as well as a bonus game controller for a friend (more than likely a friend you don't like very much).
Let's put it this way, the "Beat It" and "Thriller" routines are the EASY ones. I'm keeping this game and canceling my Bally's membership right away. (that's not a joke) Additionally, I now know the reason Michael Jackson was so thin his whole life.
Seriously, go try to be "Smooth Criminal" in your living room. Come back and report. Do you know that those creeps had the nerve to include that wacky anti-gravity 45-degree forward lean move in this game? Yeah... I mean this:
The hell?
Yeah, there's no moonwalking, but they saw fit to include this one? You know how MJ did that? Special shoes and pegs on the floor / stage (sorry, Mike, I blew your secret, but in my defense... 1) it's all over the internet anyway and 2) well, you're not exactly going to come get me, are you? O.o)
My game did NOT come with special MJ loafers or pegs for my floor (nope... there were no Anti-GraviWii shoes in the box... maybe in version 2?).
So, I cheat. I make the controller go where it needs to, since that's all it really senses anyway, because if I tried that shit, I'd faceplant. Then I would sue his estate (why not, everyone else and their mother are doing it...).
The thing that bums me out is that in the same way we have amusing videos of real rockers trying to play the music games, I would love to be able to see Michael Jackson here to try to play his own dance game. I bet even MJ would say...
I don't even need to exaggerate about this game. This game *will* kill people. Shit... it probably killed him! Propofol, my ass... he got preliminary copy of the game and "sha'moned" himself to death. This is probably the toned-down version.
Hopefully I can do well enough at the dance game to keep Mike from popping out of that screen, though.
That would be... awkward.
So, if you're going to play this game, here's my advice: Stay far away from any song where MJ was white. Those are impossible. It's no coincidence that I can play the "Thriller" song perfectly and damn near done killed my bad self with "Remember The Time". What I figure, is that the whiter he got, the more he tried to distract us with all the complicated dancing. Knock it off, Mike. You're white, and we can see it. And most of us don't give a damn, we just like it when you dance, so quit it with all the visual trickery.
The long and short of this is that you're never too old, or too young, to enjoy video games. My niece could beat the crap out of me at Wii Bowling when she was 5. And at my advancing age, I could probably beat Scott Ian at Guitar Hero. As long as your having fun, it doesn't matter. And though the playing field has changed since I was a kid, with my little copies of "Rad Racer" and "Dr. Mario", it's still entertaining, still challenging, and still fun as all hell to grab a friend and laugh yourselves insane at how much you suck trying to play "Bohemian Rhapsody" and how impossible it is to try to play "Time Warp" without doing the dance that goes with it.
Just remember: yellow, red, hold on green
