(I really shouldn't have to preface this with "It's ALL about comedy, and never meant to offend..." because you all know my humor, but ... well, ya know... everyone is sensitive about everything these days... so, there ya go.)
People Who Need A Swift Bitchslap: Part Two
People who are sensitive about everything. (ha!)
Couples who sit on the same side of a booth in a restaurant. If you aren't dining with anyone else, and it's just you and your partner, then for heaven's sake, sit across from each other.
People who observe that you are clearly very sick and proceed to ask you "Are you sick?"
Any woman over the age of 21 that speaks in a squeaky little girly cutsie voice. (memo: it's not cute)
Men who oogle women that are browsing for panties at the store. Dear Creepy Old Man, I'm shopping at TARGET not Frederick's of Whoreywood... move along please!
People who define their names with an article (talking to you, "The Situation").
People who make up random dopey-ass names for themselves (you again, Sitch! And I'm kind of side-eyeing your pal, "Ochocinco" too...).
Meatloaf should be bitchslapped for the above, and also for about 146 other reasons.
Anyone named "Blagojevich". ANYONE.
Lisa Rinna
Kathy Lee AND Hoda
People who tell you at a funeral that it's nice to see you and then say "I wish it were under better circumstances." That part is understood!! Of COURSE we would want better circumstances, but it's still ok to say it's nice to see someone, even if it's not the ideal situation (or "The Situation"). Honestly, who in hell is going to enter a funeral home and say "Hey it's nice to see you! Good thing Marge took that bungee jumping trip, or we might not have hooked up until New Year's!" I mean, come on!
The Prez's wifey (hey, I wasn't born this morning, I'm not about to type her name into the same post with the word "bitchslap"and end up being visited by the federalis!)
Michael Vick
Parents who laugh and giggle and loudly exclaim over their children in public so that we will all notice WHILE looking around to make sure every stranger in their vicinity is acknowledging whatever cutsey little thing the kid is doing. Sssssstop it.
Double bitchslap to the parents who give you a dirty look if you DON'T smile and laugh and tell them how cute their kid is. Dude, I don't know you. Yes, your kid is really cute, but since when am I under obligation to stop and fawn over your anklemuncher just because he's laughing and wiggling and flinging Goldfish crackers? If I want to observe your kid and tell you he's cute, then I promise you, I will. If I don't, just move on with your day.
People who take offense at what is clearly a joke just because it might in some way apply to them. (that's pre-emptive for all the shit I'm going to catch from people with kids for saying the above, which brings us to...)
Parents who tell non-parents that they don't understand something about children or parenting just because they don't have children. I really should start saying "Hi, thanks for overtly reminding me that I'm old and childless while calling me stupid at the same time!! Have I told you that all your baby weight is FINALLY starting to come off, and just in time for the baby's 19th birthday!! You look SO great!"
Joan Rivers
People who insist that because their document won't print or a web page won't load it's "this damn Windows Vista!" Translation: "I don't know that much about computers, but people seem to hate Vista, so that MUST be what the problem is!!" Usual solution: nothing Vista-related.
People who don't think Betty White is hilarious.
The women from the "Ahh Bra" infomercial.
Absolute strangers telling you "Hey, smile..." or "Cheer up!" if you happen to appear sullen for whatever reason (or for no reason at all... some of us just have the 'mad eyes' and there's nothing we can do about it.). If you say that to someone you should immediately be slapped 4 times. What if their pet just died. What if they've just been fired. As a matter of fact, you don't even know them, why are you saying jack crap to begin with? Extra slap for that.
ELIZABETH HASSELBECK
The entire cast of Glee.
People who... Just. Don't. Get. The. Joke.
The list will, again, continue.
Also available for your reading pleasure...
the original People Who Need A Swift Bitchslap...
People Who Need A Swift Bitchslap: Part Two
People who are sensitive about everything. (ha!)
Couples who sit on the same side of a booth in a restaurant. If you aren't dining with anyone else, and it's just you and your partner, then for heaven's sake, sit across from each other.
People who observe that you are clearly very sick and proceed to ask you "Are you sick?"
Any woman over the age of 21 that speaks in a squeaky little girly cutsie voice. (memo: it's not cute)
Men who oogle women that are browsing for panties at the store. Dear Creepy Old Man, I'm shopping at TARGET not Frederick's of Whoreywood... move along please!
People who define their names with an article (talking to you, "The Situation").
People who make up random dopey-ass names for themselves (you again, Sitch! And I'm kind of side-eyeing your pal, "Ochocinco" too...).
Meatloaf should be bitchslapped for the above, and also for about 146 other reasons.
Anyone named "Blagojevich". ANYONE.
Lisa Rinna
Kathy Lee AND Hoda
People who tell you at a funeral that it's nice to see you and then say "I wish it were under better circumstances." That part is understood!! Of COURSE we would want better circumstances, but it's still ok to say it's nice to see someone, even if it's not the ideal situation (or "The Situation"). Honestly, who in hell is going to enter a funeral home and say "Hey it's nice to see you! Good thing Marge took that bungee jumping trip, or we might not have hooked up until New Year's!" I mean, come on!
The Prez's wifey (hey, I wasn't born this morning, I'm not about to type her name into the same post with the word "bitchslap"and end up being visited by the federalis!)
Michael Vick
Parents who laugh and giggle and loudly exclaim over their children in public so that we will all notice WHILE looking around to make sure every stranger in their vicinity is acknowledging whatever cutsey little thing the kid is doing. Sssssstop it.
Double bitchslap to the parents who give you a dirty look if you DON'T smile and laugh and tell them how cute their kid is. Dude, I don't know you. Yes, your kid is really cute, but since when am I under obligation to stop and fawn over your anklemuncher just because he's laughing and wiggling and flinging Goldfish crackers? If I want to observe your kid and tell you he's cute, then I promise you, I will. If I don't, just move on with your day.
People who take offense at what is clearly a joke just because it might in some way apply to them. (that's pre-emptive for all the shit I'm going to catch from people with kids for saying the above, which brings us to...)
Parents who tell non-parents that they don't understand something about children or parenting just because they don't have children. I really should start saying "Hi, thanks for overtly reminding me that I'm old and childless while calling me stupid at the same time!! Have I told you that all your baby weight is FINALLY starting to come off, and just in time for the baby's 19th birthday!! You look SO great!"
Joan Rivers
People who insist that because their document won't print or a web page won't load it's "this damn Windows Vista!" Translation: "I don't know that much about computers, but people seem to hate Vista, so that MUST be what the problem is!!" Usual solution: nothing Vista-related.
People who don't think Betty White is hilarious.
The women from the "Ahh Bra" infomercial.
Absolute strangers telling you "Hey, smile..." or "Cheer up!" if you happen to appear sullen for whatever reason (or for no reason at all... some of us just have the 'mad eyes' and there's nothing we can do about it.). If you say that to someone you should immediately be slapped 4 times. What if their pet just died. What if they've just been fired. As a matter of fact, you don't even know them, why are you saying jack crap to begin with? Extra slap for that.
ELIZABETH HASSELBECK
The entire cast of Glee.
People who... Just. Don't. Get. The. Joke.
The list will, again, continue.
Also available for your reading pleasure...
the original People Who Need A Swift Bitchslap...
